Vengeful Dragon had a way of stealing memories. I could not remember coming aboard. I did remember murdering my wife and her lovers before I did. But what was her name...?
The curse of the gods lies heavy. To remember my crime, to remember the love and hate and pain that had gone into and pursued it, and yet to forget the very name of the woman I had killed.... And, worse, to have forgotten my own, so that the very cornerstone of my identity was denied me.... They award their penalties in cruel and ingenious ways, do the gods.
Some of the others remembered their names but had forgotten why they had committed their sins. That, too, was torture.
None of us remembered much of our life aboard Vengeful Dragon.
Colgrave and I had the murder of our families in common. That was not much of a foundation for friendship.
"I don't know, Mica. No more than you."
"I thought maybe the Old Man.... It scares me, Bowman. To be recalled...."
"I know. Think of the Power involved. The evils unleashed.... Come on up to the forecastle with me,.Mica." He did not have anything else to do. He was our sailmaker. Our sails were in chandler's shop condition.
We leaned against the rail, staring over the quiet green water at the tops of a pair of triangular sails.
"That's no Itaskian galleon," Mica observed.
"No." I debated for several seconds before I hinted at my suspicion. "Maybe the gods are tinkering with us, Mica." A gull glided across our bows. For a moment I marveled at its graceful flight. A shadow followed. One of the black birds.
"Suppose they're giving us another chance?"
He watched the black bird for several seconds. "How patient are they, Bowman? We had our chances in life. We had them in limbo, while we harried the coasts. And we didn't even recognize them."
"And maybe we couldn't. This ship.... We forget things. We stop thinking. We get like Lank Tor, who can't remember yesterday. Remember Student and Whaleboats?"
They had been friends of ours. They had disappeared during a terrible storm shortly before the sorcerer had caught us. "Uhm."
We had never talked about it, but the suspicion could not be denied. There was a chance that Student and Whaleboats had found redemption. There was a connection between righteous deeds and disappearances from Dragon.
It had to be more than coincidence, Our memories were reliable only back to the time Kid had come aboard, but since then several men had vanished. Each had been guilty of doing something truly good shortly before. How Colgrave had screamed and cussed at Student and Whaleboats for not setting fire to that shipload of women....
"Student claimed there was a way out. Fat Poppo told me he figured it out too. I think there is. I think they found it. And I think I know what it is too, now." Mica did not say anything for at least a minute. Then, "Did you die in that place, Bowman?"
"What?" For some reason I did not want to tell him. "What place?"
"The foggy sea, dummy. Where we met ourselves and lost the battle."
Colgrave's habit was to destroy every vessel we encountered. We had entered that quiet place out of a deep fog, with a sorcerer's grim promise still ringing in our ears. Black birds had roosted in our tops and another ship had been headed our way. Colgrave, mad Colgrave, had ordered the attack. And when we had come to grips with the caravel, who had we found manning her but doppelgangers of ourselves....?
"Were you aware the whole time?"
"Yeah." The grunt like to choked me getting out. "Every damned second. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't even go crazy."
He raised an eyebrow.
"All right. Crazier than I already am."
Mica grinned. "Sometimes, Bow-man, I wonder if we're not just a little less wicked than we think. Or maybe it's pretend. We're great pretenders, the crew of the Vengeful D."
"Mica, you ain't no philosopher."
"How do you know what I am? I don't. I don't remember. But what I'm saying, man, is I think we all knew what was going on. Every minute. Even the Old Man."
"What's the point?"
"The sun rose and set a lot of times, Bowman. I didn't sleep either. That's a lot of time to think. And maybe change."
I turned my back to the rail. The crew were about ship's work. They were quieter than I remembered. Thoughtful. They moved less jerkily now.
How long had it been? Years?
"We don't look any different." Colgrave was the same old specter of terror there on the poop. He had changed clothing. He was clad in regal finery now. Clothes were his compensation for his deformity.
When he dressed this well, and kept the poop instead of lurking in his cabin, he meant to spill blood.
"I mean different inside." He considered Colgrave too. "Maybe some of us can't change. Maybe there's nothing else in there."
"Or maybe we just don't understand." I suffered an insight. "The Old Man's scared."
"He should be. These are Itaskian waters. Look what they did already."
"Not just afraid of what they'll do if they catch us. We had that hanging over us before. It didn't bother anybody. Won't now. I mean scared like Barley. Of everything and nothing."
Old Barley was our resident coward. He was also the meanest fighter on the Vengeful D. His fear drove him to prodigies in battle.
"Maybe. And maybe he's changed too."
"I haven't. Not that I can see."
"Look at your right hand."
I did. It was my hand, fore and middle fingers calloused from drawing bowstrings. "So?"
"Every guy here can tell you two things about your hands. If there's a ship in sight, your left will be holding a bow. And so it is. And your right, when Colgrave lets you, will be hanging on to a cup of rum like it was your firstborn child."
I looked at Mica. He smiled. I looked at my hand. It was naked. I looked down at the maindeck, that I had crossed without thinking of rum. Barley was almost finished issuing the grog ration.
The craving hit me hard. I must have staggered. Mica caught my arm. "Try to let it go, Bowman. Just this once."
I waved at Barley. "Just to see if you can do it." Why didn't he mind his own business? Gods, I needed a drink.
Then Priest caught my eye. Priest, the king of us alkies. The man who peddled salvation to the rest of us and remained incapable of saving himself. Priest did not have a tin cup either. He leaned over the starboard rail. His expression said that his guts were tearing him apart. His need for a drink was devouring him. But he was not drinking. His back was to Barley.
"Look at Priest," I murmured.
"I see him, Bowman. And I see you."
The cramps started then. They pissed me off. I whirled and planted myself
against the rail, mimicking Priest, overlooking the bowsprit. I tried to shut out the world.
"No way that pervert is going to outlast me," I declared.
Our bow began rising and falling gently. The water was assuming the character of a normal sea. Our resurrection was about finished.
I did not look forward to its completion. I could get seasick in a rowboat on a lake on a breezy day.
The other vessel was hull up on the horizon and headed our way fast.
I reexamined my bow and arrows. Just in case.
VI
Had we changed? The gods witness, we had. The two-master came in alongside, gently, and we did not swarm over her. We did not cast her screaming crew to the sharks. We did not set her aflame. We did not do any thing but hold our weapons ready and wait. Colgrave did not ask us to do anything more.
Mica and I surveyed our shipmates. I'm sure he saw as much wonder in my face as I saw in his.
We watched Colgrave almost constantly. The Old Man would determine the smaller vessel's fate. Like it or not, if he gave the order, we would attack.
"We're a pack of war dogs," I told: Mica. "We might as well be slaves." He nodded.
Never a word escaped our mad captain's mouth. That astonished him more than the rest of us, I think.