“Big news is we’re planning a trip to Chicago,” Haven said. “We’re all going.” She swept her arm around, indicating herself, Jake and Beth.
“Yeah, you might have to actually cook the Sunday we’re away. Try not to give Ash food poisoning.” Jake said.
“Can you believe it?” Ashleigh finally looked at me. “They’re going on holiday without us.” She tilted her head to one side and pushed out her bottom lip, as if she was almost flirting. She looked so goddamn cute. I wanted to bite that swollen bottom lip of hers.
“I’ve said you can come,” Haven said.
“Nah. Chicago in October?” Ashleigh scrunched up her nose. “You’ve got to be kidding me. I thought you were a gazillionaire, Jake. Can’t you take us all to Aruba?”
Jake grinned. “Next trip.”
I relaxed as I settled into the banter between us. It was nice. Familiar. I was happy to let the sounds of my family’s chatter surround me, rather than actively participate. I hopped off my stool and grabbed the wine from the fridge. First, I topped up Haven then rounded the counter, looking for permission to do the same for Ashleigh. She held the bottom of her glass with the flat of her hand and pushed it across the granite toward me. I tilted the bottle and placed my hand on the counter next to the glass, my fingers overlapping hers. I hadn’t planned to touch her, but I couldn’t be so close to her and not.
I needed to feel her heat.
Her mouth parted, and the redness in her cheeks deepened as her glance flickered from Haven to me. My chest tightened at the idea that the touch of my fingers could illicit such a reaction. I hadn’t lost her, not yet. Her glass ended up fuller than it should have been, and I moved away. I turned from the fridge to find her watching me. She looked away sharply, nodding at whatever Haven was saying. I watched the floor on the way back to my seat in an effort to cover the grin spread across my face.
“I’m going to have to go.” I looked at my watch. “I have an early morning run booked in tomorrow.” It was almost ten and although that wasn’t late, every moment I spent out of bed from here on out made it less and less likely that I’d keep to my training plan.
“Yeah, me too. Well, not the running thing, God forbid.”
Ashleigh grinned at me. Over the course of the evening, we had somehow found a way to be around each other without it feeling anything but normal. I’d caught her looking at me a couple of times when she thought I wouldn’t notice. I’d seen it because I was trying to steal my own private glances. She always averted her eyes quickly.
“Walk me to the tube?” she asked. It was our usual routine, but this time the question felt loaded. My pulse began to hammer in my neck. Time alone with her. I was desperate for it, but terrified she’d say something I didn’t want to hear. The air was thick with what we weren’t saying, and we avoided each other’s gaze as Haven ushered us both out, barely allowing us to say our goodbyes.
“I’ll call you about training,” I called to Jake as Haven shut the door, leaving Ashleigh and I alone.
I stared at my shoes, my hands shoved in my pockets, as we waited for the elevator. I could barely stop from reaching for her.
“You seem good. About Emma and moving and . . .”
I watched her as she kept her eyes fixed on the chrome doors, as if she was trying to stay in control.
“I am good. About Emma and moving.” I tried to be as specific as I could. I wasn’t okay being without her, but I held myself back from telling her that. I didn’t want to push.
The elevator door pinged open, and I reached inside, holding the doors for Ashleigh.
“Emma and I should have split a long time ago. It’s not as difficult as maybe it should be. And it feels good to be moving on, trying new things.” It was true. I liked being in the new place. I found living on my own wasn’t so much of a shock as I’d thought. “The triathlon’s a good focus.”
“It sounds like it. I’m pleased you’re . . . good,” she replied and gave me a small smile.
I wouldn’t be good until she was mine.
Ashleigh
I’d wanted to have him to myself all evening and now here we were, alone, and I had to work to contain my jealousy of Fiona, to not touch him, to keep from wanting him.
Even through my thick winter coat, I felt his hand at the small of my back as we exited the lift. I closed my eyes, trying to get a handle on myself.
“And your new flat? Being there, right in the city center. That’s . . . different.”
Luke nodded. “It is. But it’s good. I think you’d like it. I have an almost zero commute to work, and after the place with Emma, this feels so easy. Like it’s mine.” He words tripped into each other. “You’ll have to see it.” He sounded excited.
“I’d like that.” I hated that I’d not seen it already. I found it difficult to comprehend that there were parts of his life that I didn’t know about. “Maybe you should have a housewarming party.”
His shoulders dropped, and his lips pulled together tightly as if what I’d said upset him.
“And you should host Sunday night dinner one week.”
“Next Sunday, while that lot is in Chicago?” he asked.
Were we going to have dinner together, alone, in his flat?
Yes.
We’d stopped things at the right time. We were going to make it through as friends. Our family wasn’t going to split because we’d had sex. The thought brought relief, and disappointment. Did that mean that friends were all we would ever be? I was always going to want more from him.
“Only if you promise to cook.” I playfully poked him on the shoulder.
We headed left toward the tube. “Only if you promise to buy me a housewarming gift. A good one.”
I grinned at his mischievous expression. “I miss you,” I blurted out. Just as we had started to relax and tease each other, I had to add a layer of awkward. But I wanted to tell him. I wanted to know if he missed me.
Luke rubbed his face with his hands and stared straight ahead as we continued to the tube station in silence.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it.” I wanted to rewind time.
“Not unless it means you’re ready to give us a shot. Otherwise it feels like a head fuck.”
I nodded. He was right. I’d asked him for this time and space, and I had to suffer the consequences.
“I’m sorry,” I said softly.
He nodded as if he understood that I wasn’t ready to trust his feelings just yet. I wanted to be ready. I wanted him to be ready—soon.
Ashleigh
For the first time in my life, I wished I had an office job. A job where I sat behind a desk and had access to the Internet. I’d been jumpy all morning—partly from all the coffee I’d been drinking, and partly because of my weird interaction with Luke. I’d told him I missed him and messed everything up. After he dropped me off at the tube station, I’d had almost no sleep. What I did have was a working knowledge of the four lawyers named Fiona at Luke’s law firm. I was pretty sure our winner was Fiona Pritchard. Her Facebook picture showed her in running gear and a number strapped to her vest. I couldn’t see any other photos of her because she’d selfishly set her privacy settings to anti-stalker, but she definitely seemed the most likely candidate.
Hearing Luke talk about another woman had properly shown me the consequences of the choice I’d made. I knew if he decided to be with someone else—Fiona or another girl—it meant that there had never really been a chance for us. Still, it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. I’d wanted us to have some time apart for Luke to realize he couldn’t live without me because he was in love with me. I hadn’t counted on jealously obsessing over Fiona Pritchard.