“So tell her that. She’s risking her family, being with you. You have to convince her you aren’t going to break her heart. But she’s right, you have to be sure she’s who you want.”
Ashleigh had been clear. She needed to see that she was my choice. “I’ve never been so sure. There’s no going back for me. I just need to provide her with some evidence. But that’s okay, because that’s what I do, right? I build cases, uncover and present the facts. I just don’t know how to do it yet. But I’ll get there.” I had to. Losing her forever wasn’t an option. “How did Jake win you back?”
“By loving me. By giving me time and being there to catch me despite me pushing him away and losing faith in us both.”
So that was it. I had to give her space, show her I’d had time and opportunity to think of every conceivable version of my life, and that I still wanted her at the center of it.
I’d prove to her that she was my choice.
My only choice.
I went to bed early, telling Jake and Haven I was tired. I wasn’t. I had plans to make. A strategy to formulate. I glanced around, my overnight bag slung in the corner, clothes spilling out the top. A bunch of notebooks from work that I’d brought home on Friday were lying on the dressing table. This couldn’t be my life. I pulled out my laptop and logged on. I grabbed a notebook.
Step one: Find a place to live.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I was actually eager to move out of Haven’s home. Perhaps it was partly because it was what Ashleigh needed from me, but all of a sudden, I relished the idea of moving on. As much as I loved my sister and Jake, I didn’t want to be an appendage to their life. I wanted one of my own.
I fired up a real estate website and started to look at flats to rent near to where Emma and I had lived. As I clicked and scrolled, I realized the pictures were all from a place I’d left behind. There was no reason for me to live in that area. I was starting fresh with only myself to worry about. What did I actually want? Where did I want to be? I had no boundaries, no one to consider while making my choice. I could put a pin in the map and decide that would be the place. The possibilities were endless and in a sense daunting, but a decision had to be made if I was going to move on.
I did what I did best and buried myself in the details, working my way through different sites, firing off emails, setting up viewings for the coming days. I’d check a few places out and decide what felt right.
By the time I was finished, it was close to two, but the adrenaline pumping through my veins meant that sleep was a ways away. Was Ashleigh sleeping? Was she worried about if I would be able to do what she’d asked? I closed my eyes and imagined the contours of her body covered by her cream-colored sheets, her hair spread across her pillow, her lips parted. Over the years, we’d spent a lot of time with each other, but it was only in the past few days that I knew what she looked like while sleeping. Bold, funny, energetic Ash slept unguarded. She was soft, thoughtful—a Tennyson-imagined heroine. I logged on to my email.
Monday, September 12
Dear Ashleigh,
You’ve been in my every thought today. I miss you, but I want you to know that I’m beginning to understand what you’ve asked me to do and why.
I’m going to look at flats tomorrow. I wish you were coming with me. You could help me choose. But you’ll see it soon enough, one way or another.
Believe in me. Believe in you.
All my love, Luke.
My mouse hovered over the send button. Was it too pushy? Did she even want to hear from me right now?
Eventually, I pressed delete and logged off.
Less than twelve hours after finding it on the internet, I stood in the middle of a furnished flat in the center of the city. It was the second one I’d seen. I’d skipped out of work early in order to progress step one on my plan.
Floor-to-ceiling windows spilled natural light into the flat—very different from the place I’d shared with Emma.
“You can see the river from outside,” the agent said.
I slid open the balcony door and stepped out, peering over the wall. It was quiet and high and away from the hustle and bustle of London, despite being right in the middle of things. It was exactly the opposite of the flat I’d shared with Emma and the one I’d seen before this one. Our place had been a Victorian conversion in West London—and a forty-five minute journey into work. This was a ten-minute walk to the office. Emma had loved the original features and the garden at our place. To me a garden simply meant I had to cut the grass or pay someone else to do it. But I’d been happy to go along with whatever made her happy, grateful I didn’t have to make the decision. Now I had to choose, and I found I preferred this sleek, modern, purposefully built flat in the center of town, with no commute and great views. It didn’t require me to do anything. I could just move in and . . . live.
Would Ashleigh like it? I suppose I couldn’t make this decision with anyone else but myself in mind. That was the point, wasn’t it? This was what she wanted from me. To see the decisions in front of me, weigh each one carefully, then pick. Every hour I spent away from her, my focus was getting clearer.
Back inside, I ran my hand along the cool marble of the breakfast bar. Could I see myself reading the paper here?
“There are two bedrooms,” the agent said as I followed her through the flat. She pointed out the master and then the guest bedroom. “There’s a desk in there so you could use it as a study.”
Perhaps it was difficult to picture myself living here because I’d never lived on my own. It struck me that I might get lonely. I could host a Sunday dinner. The dining table seated six, so we’d all fit. Seeing my family here would help me settle. “I can rent from month to month?” I asked. I guess I could try it and see how I liked it.
“Yes, you just need to give thirty days’ notice after the first month, so a minimum two-month stay.”
“I’ll take it.” There was no point in delaying. I needed to take the plunge and move forward.
The agent’s eyes widened.
“And it’s okay if I bring some additional furniture. A sofa . . .” My old brown leather sofa was the only thing I would take from the flat I’d shared with Emma. I loved that thing. It had been my first big, adult purchase, and it had seen a lot of beer, banter and girls. Where I went, the sofa came with me.
“I don’t think that’s a problem. When do you want to move in?”
“You can’t make it happen quick enough.”
The agent grinned. “Let’s go back to the office and get you to sign the paperwork, and I can give you the keys.”
I shoved my hands in my pockets and grinned.
Progress.
Ashleigh
I stared out the window of the café where I’d lunched with Luke just a few weeks ago. It was raining and the windows had begun to fog up. I wiped the glass with the sleeve of my uniform so I could see the raindrops on the outside more clearly. It was like I was watching the inside of my heart. Damp, gray and miserable. Was Luke thinking the same thing? Was he hurting as I was? I wanted to call him, just to hear his voice. To let him tell me that everything was going to be okay. My brain knew that I had to give him space and time to figure out what he really wanted. My heart thought my brain was an idiot.
Adding to my pain was that I couldn’t talk about it with Haven. I didn’t want to create conflict when there was none, but I didn’t want her to tell me I’d been a fool. Not for hoping that a relationship with Luke could work, or for pushing him away. My two best friends were suddenly people who I couldn’t reach out to. The separation felt physical, slicing through me like a million tiny blades.