“Carl, look! I could get a harmonica!” Donut said. She’d pulled up the submenu of entertainment skills. She gasped. “Bongos. They have bongos, Carl.”
“Harmonica? How would that even work?” I said. “You don’t have thumbs.”
“You don’t need thumbs for the harmonica, Carl. Not if I get one of those neck thingies.”
I had a quick vision of tiny Zev attempting to strangle me after I allowed Donut to take up a ridiculous instrument. “Please, let’s just look at that third choice.”
Former Child Actor
This rare subclass is an offshoot of the Character Actor class. It can only be obtained by Crawlers who have both received the “Cut!” achievement and have obtained at least one trillion views.
Once a spoiled brat superstar, then addicted to drugs, you have crawled back from the brink stronger than ever. You are ready for your comeback. This Charisma and Chance-based class could go either way. You’ll either rise to the top, or you’ll be dead in a ditch in a week.
This unique Earth class is based on the Bard/Rogue Jack-Of-All-Trades subclass, but with a few distinctive differences.
In addition to the following benefits, the most distinct aspect of this multi-faceted class is the Level-3 Character Actor skill. This skill increases in level only upon descent to the next floor.
Additional benefits:
Immunity to all poisons and diseases.
Level-5 Cockroach skill.
+10 to Charisma.
+15% faster growth in all Charisma-based skills.
The Manager Benefit.
This is an Earth Class. As an incentive to choose an Earth Class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.
I watched Donut’s eyes get huge upon reading this one.
“What the hell is the Character Actor skill? Or the Cockroach skill?” I asked. “And what was the ‘Cut!’ achievement? I don’t remember that one.”
“I got it for being a good actress,” Donut said. “When we tricked the goblin shamankas.”
“Okay, but it doesn’t explain what the character actor part means. Mordecai?”
Mordecai didn’t say anything for several moments. His lip was curled in displeasure. On that incubus face of his, it looked downright menacing.
“What?” he said. “Oh, so Character Actor. It’s a bit complicated. Basically every floor, Donut has to pick a specialty.”
“Specialty?” I asked.
“She can basically pick a new class each floor. Each floor from now on will have a theme. So it would be somewhat useful. If it’s a floor filled with ice monsters, she can pick a fire class, and so forth. But it’s also a chance-based skill. So if she chooses it, and then she chooses a fire mage, the system AI basically rolls the dice and decides how many fire mage spells and skills to give to her. And as soon as she’s done with the floor, she loses the skills and starts over. Each higher level of the Character Actor skill, however, gives better skills. It makes it so she is pretty weak for the early levels, but once you get higher, it can be quite powerful depending on her class choices.”
“I don’t think I like that,” I said. “It leaves too much to chance. What about her existing skills, like Magic Missile and the like?”
“Those are untouched. But if she chooses a class that has a penalty for those skills or spells, they will apply. For example, if she chooses a Necromancer specialty, that Magic Missile spell will cost 10% more to cast, but just for the length of that floor. Or if she chooses Warlock, her constitution will go down one point for the length of that floor.”
I liked that she would be immune to poison and diseases. “What’s the cockroach skill?”
“Basically, it gives a chance to survive a fatal attack. At level five she’s guaranteed one free lethal hit a fight, though she’d be near death afterward. At level ten, your health doesn’t go down at all after the first fatal strike. The problem is, the only way to train that skill is by using it. Or with potions, or a training guild if you can find one, but that can get expensive.”
“I like it,” Donut said. “If I pick it, then I can just choose NecroBard as my specialty every floor, but pick a different instrument every time. Wouldn’t that be neat? It’s the best of both worlds!”
“Not necessarily, Donut,” I said. “If you get a bad roll from the AI, you might get stuck with underpowered skills and spells until the next floor.”
“Exactly,” Mordecai said.
“Let’s spend some time looking at the other choices,” I said. “But of the three, I think I like the Artist Alley one the best.”
“I agree,” Mordecai said. “I think the NecroBard might be better. But you’re right, Carl. It’s a… dangerous choice for your social numbers.”
We spent some time going over the other choices, carefully looking at all the abilities. The Feral Cat Berserker was basically a barbarian that’d end up getting her killed immediately thanks to her low health, and the Animal Test Subject was a mage that specialized in using poison. It also caused the crawler to glow green. Warlock was a solid choice in terms of skills, but it caused her to lose one point of Constitution, which would make her just too fragile. The others used mostly melee-based attacks and weren’t really suitable.
I took a deep breath. “Donut, I know you’re not excited about it. But I really think you should go with the Artist Alley Mogul class. It’s not perfect, but it’s the most well-rounded.”
“Okay,” she said.
I exchanged a look with Mordecai to see if he was buying it. He appeared skeptical. “Really?” I said.
She approximated a shrug. “We gotta do what’s best for the team, right? You want me to be a nerd, I’ll be a nerd.”
Donut: CARL ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS? HE IS GOING TO BE REALLY MAD.
Carclass="underline" Do it.
“Okay, then,” Mordecai said. “The menu is going to pop up now, and you have to scroll down and choose it.”
Donut glowed for a moment. A moment later, she glowed again. “Done. I am now a stupid Artist Alley Mogul.”
“Goddamnit, Donut!” Mordecai cried. “God fucking damnit!”
“And scene,” Donut said, waving her paw.
“Whoa,” I said. Mongo stirred in my arms. “What’s happening?”
“Mordecai dear, that’s Carl’s line. You should pick something else. Carl, he’s upset because I chose the Former Child Actor class. I was acting! Isn’t it great?”
“That not acting,” I said. “It’s called lying.”
“It wasn’t a lie. Not technically. I picked the Artist Alley Mogul as my third-floor specialty. It’s basically the same thing anyway, so I don’t see why he’s so upset. It said I received all the benefits except the 25% discount. Or the Shield spell. Or that Pathfinder skill.”
“That’s like all of the usable benefits, Donut.” I sighed. “At least your Charisma is now higher. And you have that Cockroach skill.”
“And I’m immune to poison and disease!”
“Yeah,” Mordecai said drily. “And you’ve received the Manager benefit.”
“Oh yeah,” I said. “What is that?”
I already knew exactly what the manager benefit was. Odette had explained it in detail.
“That’s me,” Mordecai said. “I’m the manager. From now on, for the remainder of your time in this godsforsaken place, I will instantly teleport to any saferoom you are in.”
“Yay!” Donut cried.
“No, not yay,” Mordecai said. “I was supposed to transfer to a magic guild after this floor. I like running the magic guild. My room gets bigger, and I have access to my potions and more spells. Now every time you sleep or eat or stop to brush your teeth, I’ll be forced to spend my time with you. Away from my room and my clothes and food. Oh gods, and I’ve lost my tunnel access. No more television. No more access to the information codex. And since I can no longer watch you stumbling around the dungeon, I will have no warning for when I’m to be teleported away. And if you buy a personal space…” He started grumbling under his breath.