“I’m totally giving this to Mongo when he wakes up. Carl, you’ll have to put them on him.”
“Are we sure that’s a good idea?” I said. I eyed the still-sleeping Mongo uneasily. He hadn’t chomped down on Donut or me in a couple days, but he snapped at the both of us. A lot. Both Donut and I were immune to poison, but not paralysis, as we’d both learned the hard way when Signet had captured us before.
Mongo chomped at the air in his sleep. It sounded like an axe splitting wood.
I sighed and moved to my boxes. I had several more than Donut did. She harrumphed at that. I could tell she was pissed that I was now three levels above her, but she hadn’t actually said anything out loud. In fact, I had received a Lucky Bastard box for surviving Signet’s initial attack on us, but Donut hadn’t. She received the same Lazarus achievement, but instead of the box, her reward status said, “You’re lucky to be alive. That’s your reward.” None of us were sure why. Mordecai suspected it was because Donut’s health had zeroed out while Mongo was defending her, and she’d been saved by her Cockroach skill. But that didn’t make sense to me.
”It’s just one of those things,” Mordecai said. “Get used to it.”
I started sifting through my rewards. I received multiple sticks of goblin dynamite and smoke bombs. I also received a whole box of hobgoblin dynamite along with three globs of Hobgoblin Pus—the remote-controlled explosive detonators—in the bronze boss box from my fight with Heather. I’d never seen hobgoblin dynamite before. The sticks were white instead of red. They had a larger yield and were much more stable.
I’d also been receiving a lot of random odds and ends lately that were simply labeled “Trap Supplies.” They all went into my inventory. Mordecai warned me not to mess with that stuff until I had my sapper’s table set up. “I don’t know too much about trapmaking, but I do know it’s just as dangerous as handling explosives,” he said.
I’d been expecting another lottery ticket in my Lucky Bastard box, but instead I received a single casino chip.
“Holy cow,” Mordecai said, snatching it up before it could get sucked into my inventory. He held it up to the light. “I’ve never even seen one of these before.” He continued gawking at it as my Platinum Quest Box opened up.
In addition to 5,000 gold coins, I received a single scroll. A scroll of Upgrade. I immediately read the description. A 20 minute timer appeared over the scroll the moment I picked it up.
Scroll of Upgrade!
Warning: This item has a short shelf life.
Maybe it’s not as good as getting something new, but sometimes it’s better to just take something you’re already comfortable with and improve upon it. Kind of like buying your girl new tits.
Once you read this scroll, one random, currently-equipped item will receive an upgrade. That upgrade could be small. It could be huge. But since this item has a short shelf life, you gotta do it now or forever hold your peace.
“I hate these short shelf life items,” I said.
Mordecai was still peering at the casino chip. “They do that because if they didn’t, you could hold onto it and save it for a really deep level, making it more valuable than they intended.”
“Can I just take everything off except one item?” I asked. “If I wanted them to upgrade my ring, can I remove everything but that?”
“Yes, but I wouldn’t,” Mordecai said. “I’ve seen people try that several times, and the upgrade is never very good when they do that.”
“Okay, I’m just going to do it now then,” I said. I pulled the scroll into my hotlist and activated it.
My Enchanted BigBoi Boxers glowed. I read the description. And then I read the description of the new benefit I’d just received.
I looked up at the ceiling. “You motherfucker,” I said. “Well played, asshole.”
Mordecai barked with laughter. “Those things are probably now your most valuable item.”
The upgrade was actually pretty awesome. But it came with a terrible catch.
Enchanted BigBoi Boxers.
This item has been Upgraded once.
All right, you already know the description of this item. Something something Incredible Hulk, blah, blah, blah. Now you want to know how this item has been upgraded. Right? So here are the original benefits of these naughty little undies:
+ 2 to Constitution
Wearer may cast a level 15 Protective Shell once every 30 hours.
That’s some good shit right there. But we can do better than that. Here’s a few additional benefits.
+ 5 to Dexterity
+ 5 to Intelligence
+ 3 more (for a total of + 5) to Constitution
+ The Freeballing Benefit
The benefit’s description was:
Freeballing
And I’m freeeeee! Freeee Ballling!
Usually reserved for monk classes and those too soused to reliably dress themselves, recipients of this benefit receive an additional 100% damage bonus to all attacks that originate below the waist. In addition, all skills that originate from below the waist train 20% faster. But as the name implies, this benefit allows only a single layer of armor or clothing to cover your crotch area. And since you’re already wearing these, it looks like you won’t be getting trousers anytime soon.
Mordecai was still laughing. “You shouldn’t have said you really wanted those pants.”
“What? What?” Donut asked. Mordecai explained it to her, and she, too, started laughing. They both laughed so hard Mongo woke up and started bouncing around the room excitedly.
“Oh this is delicious. Positively delicious!” Donut said. “Don’t worry, Carl. Maybe the next box will contain leather chaps. You can still wear those. Those would really frame out your feet.” She looked up at the ceiling. “Can you imagine how sexy Carl would be in chaps?”
“Goddamnit, Donut,” I said.
I took a deep breath and waited for both of them to stop howling. For the first time in days I really craved a cigarette. I tried changing the subject. “These benefits are way better than the ones we received on the previous level.”
“Yeah,” Mordecai said, finally calming down. He handed me back the casino chip. “You’re eventually going to start seeing items that increase your stats not by numbers, but by percentages. That’s why it’s crucial to build your stats now. And you’ll see weapon damage modifiers that are a lot higher, too. It gets a little crazy on the lower floors.”
Mordecai: Also, I don’t want to risk saying this out loud, but as you’ve just seen, once your brand gets established, they start to shift the type of gear you get. They like it when you get new equipment and, believe me, you’ll be getting all sorts of new stuff, but they don’t want you completely changing your look overnight. Usually you don’t start seeing these scrolls until deeper, but you two already have a name for yourselves. You’ll be receiving a lot more of these Upgrade scrolls. That was a really good one. Most won’t be that potent.
“So, what is this thing?” I asked, examining the poker chip. It was black with pink, then purple, then pink splotches staggered along the edges. A familiar dagger logo adorned the center. The chip felt as if it weighed 15 pounds.
“Oh yeah,” Mordecai said. “So, you’re rich. Maybe.”
100,000 Gold Coin Casino Chip.
This is a comp chip, and it may not be sold or transferred. You may not redeem this chip directly for gold. This chip must be played at the High Roller’s Roulette Table or the Wheel of Fortune game at the Desperado Club Casino.
Good luck.
“Roulette?” Bea always loved roulette. I would sometimes play blackjack, but I was one of those guys who got pissed off after I lost just a few bucks, and if I won, I would quit immediately. I wasn’t much of a gambler.