“That wasn’t cool, Donut,” I said.
Donut: I TOLD YOU HE’D BE MAD. I DON’T LIKE PEOPLE MAD AT ME, CARL.
Carclass="underline" Yeah, he’s pissed. Sorry about that.
“If you do pick the Manager benefit, and it's not attached to an obvious choice, you’ll want to make it look like a mistake,” Odette had said. “Don't ask him about it, because once he tells you what it is, it'll be too late. He won't be allowed to tell you unless you ask. Make it look like it was all Donut’s idea, and you didn’t have anything to do with it. Mordecai can hold a grudge, but he still sees Donut as a child. He’ll forgive her. If he ever found out you did this on purpose, he would never forgive you.”
“What if that manager benefit is attached to a class that isn’t as good?” I said. “I like having him around, but it doesn’t seem like that great of a trade-off if it hobbles Donut.”
“There’s a lot he can’t tell you or help you with as a game guide. As a manager, that’s all out the window. He’ll lose access to the codex, and everything he tells you will have to be from his own memory. But Mordecai has been in the dungeon for a very long time, and that brain of his is the single greatest resource any crawler can have. As long as he wants to help you, it’ll be the next best thing to having him in the party. He’ll be able to use the chat feature. He is an alchemical master. Get him in front of an Alchemist’s table, and he’ll be able to make you potions. Surely you can see the benefit in that.”
I did, indeed, see the benefit in it. So we’d decided to take Odette’s advice. I didn’t like lying or tricking Mordecai. He was as close to a friend as I could get to an alien, and I knew this could irreparably harm that trust and friendship if he ever found out. Furthermore, I didn’t trust Odette. We now owed her, and she potentially held something over us. But I did trust that she wanted us to survive for as long as possible.
After quickly discussing it with Donut, we’d decided the risk was worth it. We would pick that benefit if it was available.
Mordecai’s well-chiseled face groused. His smoldering eyes focused on Donut. “Well, congratulations, crawler. You are now Princess Donut the Level 13 Former Child Actor Cat. Welcome to the third fucking floor.”
Mordecai glared at me.
“Your turn,” he said.
2
Mordecai took a deep breath, and I watched him calm himself.
“Okay,” he said. “Let’s take a look at your race selections, Carl.”
I sat on the bed. I’d transferred the still-sleeping Mongo to the seat. Donut sat next to the baby velociraptor and rested a paw on his tiny head.
Lines and lines populated the screen.
“It looks as if you have 398 choices. That’s a good amount,” the incubus said.
I focused on the line of the three AI-recommended choices and laughed.
Hobgoblin
Human
And
Sasquatch
“Huh, that’s odd,” Mordecai said. “I’ve never seen the system recommend the existing race before.”
“The AI loves Carl’s tootsies,” Donut said.
Mordecai made a face. He opened his mouth as if to say something, then closed it.
I clicked on the first one, the Hobgoblin
A spinning, 3D model of a large creature appeared in the air. They were basically large, more muscular goblins, but with festering sores on their faces. My stomach lurched at the sight of the monster, and for the first time what was happening here really hit me.
I can say the word, and I will turn into that thing. Forever. Holy shit.
“Ew,” Donut said. “Carl, you are not picking that. If you’re going to change, you should pick what he chose.” She waved at Mordecai. “An Incubus. Or a Changeling. Yes, a Changeling! You can alter yourself to fit my current class. Carl, wouldn’t that be great?”
“Neither of those are on the list,” I said. I didn’t like the idea of the Changeling anyway. Mordecai had said—like Donut’s Character Actor skill—the facsimile wasn’t always as good as the original. Extreme versatility came with a price.
Hobgoblin
This limited race is only available to Crawlers who have obtained a level five Explosives Handling skill by the time race selection becomes available.
A Hobgoblin is what happens when a lady troll manages to get a goblin drunk enough to talk herself into his pants. Large, muscular, and smart, Hobgoblins excel at trapmaking, explosives management, and all-out mayhem. Unfortunately, these guys are so ugly even Gorgons lose their lunch looking upon them. This race is best suited for rogue and fighter-based classes.
Automatic +3 to all trap-based and explosive-based skills.
+5% Faster skill progression in all trap-based and explosive-based skills.
Unlocks higher-tier explosives and trap-making abilities, allowing one to raise these skills to 20.
Free access to all Hobgoblin Sapper Workshops.
-5 to Charisma. Charisma is capped at 10.
+1 to Dexterity.
+2 to Intelligence.
Adds the Regeneration skill (already obtained via Trollskin Shirt).
This was a good race. In fact, it was almost perfect for the build I had in my mind. But there was no way I was going to turn myself into that thing. Absolutely not. The bonuses were great, but I would lose all of our viewers. They really were ugly. And not cute ugly like Mongo. These guys were genuinely unsettling to look at.
I was curious what the system had to say about humans.
Human
You’re already a human. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess you don’t need a description. If you choose this, nothing will change. Except for these racial benefits:
+2 to all base stats.
Adaptability. +2% faster skill progression.
Choosing this race unlocks multiple exclusive, earth-based classes.
I cringed a little as I clicked on my last choice.
A large, hairy humanoid with massive feet started spinning. It looked almost identical to the creature in those beef jerky commercials. It was a stereotypical, hair-covered bigfoot creature with fangs and a giant forehead.
Sasquatch.
This limited race is only available to Crawlers who have obtained a level five Smush skill by the time race selection becomes available.
Bigfoot. Yeti (if you choose an ice-based class). Skunk Ape. The list of nicknames for these things is almost endless, but in the end, the result is the same. First you take a human, you cross it with a gorilla, you make them a foot and a half taller, cover them with hair, and then give them size 24 feet. The resulting behemoth is a monstrous melee fighter and tank.
+ 3 to Bash Skill
+ 3 to Smush Skill
-3 to Intelligence
-1 to Charisma
+6 to Strength
+6 to Constitution
+2 to Dexterity
Unlocks higher tier Smush skill.
I eyed the spinning, 3D bigfoot creature with distaste. I focused on the creature’s massive, sparkling feet. That was not going to happen. I didn’t want to become a joke or a fucking parody of an earth creature. I thought of what that orc had said, that I was the AI’s pet. No. No way.