“So, I don’t really know what’s going on with their systems. I’m just a guy from a planet that thought we might be all alone. We got thrown right in and had the lid slammed on us, so Donut and I, and Hekla, we don’t have much of a say in what’s happening to us. But I’m guessing it’s different for the people who live under the Skull Empire. If it used to be okay, but it’s not okay anymore, then maybe you should do something about it. Don’t compare your circumstances with how they were yesterday. Look at how they were years ago. We’re supposed to be making the world… the universe… a better place for our children. If it’s not better, if you’re dealing with cruelty, with neglect, then you should do something about it. So, yeah. Fuck ‘em. Fuck King Rust and his asshole child. If you’re unhappy with your government, then kick them out and set up your own, one that represents the people’s best interests. You shouldn’t have to put up with some loser who’s going to take the people’s money and waste it on games, especially when those games entail killing people weaker than him with little or no real danger to himself. What a pussy. That’s my opinion.”
Nobody said anything for several moments.
“You probably don’t know this,” Tucker said, a hint of triumph in his voice, “but openly using tunnels to advocate for system sedition against a member state is a crime.”
“If that’s true,” I said, “then you’re all in that same pot.” I turned to look at the audience. “All of you. If a government is afraid of what its people say, then maybe there’s a reason for it.”
“Besides,” I added. “What are they gonna do? Throw me in the dungeon?”
Next to me, Princess D’nadia started clapping and making trumpet noises with her tentacles. Hekla, who’d barely said anything this entire time, was looking directly at me. I couldn’t read her expression.
Underneath my hand, Donut trembled as the audience roared their approval.
But it wasn’t everyone, I noted. Some of the people—most of the people—cheered. But not all. Those who didn’t appeared uncomfortable. Some looked annoyed. That was okay. Baby steps. That frog metaphor worked both ways.
“Well,” Ripper said, “they told me you two tend to leave a path of scorched earth wherever you...”
In front of me, Manasa the cobra blinked in and out of existence and then she disappeared. The entire studio bucked, and Donut and I both fell back out of our chairs. The lights flickered as Donut cried out. I hit the floor, and my HUD, which had been off since we’d arrived in the production trailer, turned on.
“Carl, Carl, I’m going to be sick.”
The trailer continued to rock. The sea, which had been dead calm, now roiled.
The studio was gone, and all that remained were our two chairs and a half table. Donna the robot entered the room. “Please remain calm. The system will be restored in fifteen seconds.”
Zev: Oh my gods, are you two okay?
Carclass="underline" What the hell is going on?
The HUD snapped away, and the studio returned as the boat started to settle. Ripper, Princess D’nadia, and Tucker remained in their chairs. Ripper talked animatedly with someone we couldn’t see. Hekla stood behind her seat, and I suspected she had also been knocked out of her chair, which meant her trailer was probably floating nearby. She hesitantly sat back down. The cobra-headed Manasa did not return.
“Are you injured?” Princess D’nadia whispered to me.
“We’re fine. The trailer started pitching. What happened?”
“They’re saying there was an attack on Manasa’s trailer. She’s vacationing on Earth, and she’d ascended to participate in the interview. They say her trailer got hit with a pulse. That’s all I know.”
“What about you, are you okay?” I asked Hekla.
“Yes,” she said. “I am fine.”
“Yeah, us too,” I said.
“I threw up,” Donut said, looking up at me. She had puke all down the front of her face. I used the thick fabric from my Nightgaunt cloak to clean off her fur the best I could.
“Are you kidding? Are you kidding me?” Ripper said to his invisible assistant. “Let me see the statement.” He turned and looked at me and Donut. The furry host opened his mouth, as if he were going to say something, but then he changed his mind.
Instead, he turned to his audience. “Ladies and gentleman, I’m sorry about that. Something just happened on Earth’s surface, and we’re still gathering information. Manasa has lost her signal, so I’m afraid we won’t have her back. Stay tunneled, and we’ll get you information straight away. In the meantime, let’s go straight into the Danger Zone.”
Nothing happened for a moment, and then suddenly a female owl creature stood at the end of the table. She’d appeared out of nowhere.
“Hi,” the owl said. “I have a question for Hekla. Why did you leave your husband to fend for himself when you both entered the dungeon? And do you regret it?”
Hekla appeared stricken by the question. The abrupt change of subject with everything happening around us seemed so sudden, so out of place that it was almost absurd. Apparently, they called the Q&A section of the program “The Danger Zone.” Behind us, Ripper had disappeared. Tucker was turned all the way around in his seat, talking quietly with someone offscreen. Next to me, Princess D’nadia had her head cocked to the side and was also listening to something or someone hidden.
“I,” Hekla said, stammering “I… He left me. He didn’t leave me a choice. He was going to get us both killed. Now he’s dead, and I’m not.”
“And do you regret it?” the owl repeated.
“Of course I do,” she said.
“Thank you,” the owl said. She disappeared and was replaced by a male orc.
“I am Rolf,” the orc said. “This question is for Carl. What is your most enjoyable way to kill?”
“That’s kind of a fucked up question,” I said. “I don’t like killing.”
“No?” Rolf said. “But you kill good.”
“He does, doesn’t he?” said Donut.
“I guess I like it when it’s simple, clean,” I said. “A quick punch, breaking their neck.”
Rolf made a fist in the air. “This is good. Thank you.”
The next question was about Hekla’s crossbow. The one after that was a fish creature that looked like a human-sized Kua-tin. I think Odette had called them Gleeners. She looked directly at Donut.
“Princess, who is Ferdinand?”
Several people in the audience clapped at the question.
Donut tensed, but then she relaxed. “Oh darling, I just love that outfit you’re wearing. It’s so pretty. But you are right to ask. This secret has festered for far too long, and I suppose it’s time for the universe to know the truth.” She sighed dramatically. “Ferdinand is the love of my life. But we’ve had a tragic courtship. He visited me often at night. We’d gaze upon each other across the wide expanse, and we both knew it was a love that couldn’t be. For we were star-crossed lovers, and he was hunted by the authorities. In royal circles, he was reviled, branded as a ‘Moggie,’ a non-pedigreed cat. It is why I’d jumped out the window that night. I could sense him out there, calling to me.”
“Wait,” I said. “Are you talking about that creepy yellow cat that would come to the window when you were in heat?”
“Yes, I am, Carl,” Donut said. “I imagine it’s time you learned of my secret affair. A princess and a ruffian. It wasn’t meant to be, but our love was pure.”
I couldn’t help it. I laughed. “His name wasn’t Ferdinand. His name was Gravy Boat. He belonged to Marjory on the first floor.”
The cat had also knocked up every female cat within three square blocks. Bea had called animal control on him twice, but they’d never been able to find or catch him. Bea had gotten into a screaming fight with Marjory over it, though I was never really clear on the reasons why Bea had cared so much. Gravy Boat sitting in that tree outside our window wasn’t nearly as annoying as Donut yowling while she was in heat.