“Don’t mention it, pal. Don’t mention it. Hey, where I’m going, who needs money?”
The other barfly said, “You need it to get where you’re going.”
“Hey, that’s true. You die without the cash, you’re up the creek without a paddle.”
“Or up the river.”
“Yeah, and you need to get down the river.”
“On the other hand, if you get sold down the river, you might wind up up the creek without a paddle.”
The first barfly burst into laughter.
“Hey, that’s pretty good. That’s funny. Hey, piano player, wasn’t that a great gag? Huh?”
“Yes, sir, sure was funny.”
“You’re too kind. Why the hell am I making jokes, though? I wish someone could tell us what the hell is out there on the Sea Of Oblivion. At least we’d know what we’re in for.”
“Who wants to know? What good would it do if we did know?”
“I’d feel better, somehow, knowing.”
“Like you said, it’s inevitable. You pays your money, and like that.”
Conversation continued. Before long the piano player launched into “You Belong to Me.”[16]
The two barflies listened.
“I never saw the pyramids.”
“Neither did I. What the heck are pyramids?”
“I guess we’re not from the same world.”
“Nah, I guess not.”
“I wonder if there’s more than one afterlife.”
“Huh?”
“If there are many worlds — and I hear there are indeed a shitload of them — I wonder if there aren’t a whole assortment of different and differing afterlives. Maybe this is just one of a number of possible ones.”
“Hey, that’s interesting.”
“Just idle speculation.”
“What do you think about that, piano player, huh?”
“Sir, I think the gentleman is right.”
“Hey, what do you think of that? Maybe in some afterlives, you get everything free. I’m all for that.”
“But here money is a token of moral worth, my friend.”
“Is that why I got here so poor? I coulda sworn I socked away enough for a better ship than the one I got.”
“It means your life didn’t amount to all that much, friend. Just like most folks. You left the world you lived in more or less the way you found it, neither better nor worse for your having been there.”
“Hey, I did okay.”
“Not saying you didn’t. Just saying you’re an average guy, like me.”
“Yeah, that’s me. Average. I like it that way.”
“Nothing wrong with it. Now, take our friend, here, the piano player. He brings music to the world.”
“This ain’t the world.”
“The netherworld, whatever it is. He creates a little beauty, makes people happy. That’s something. Me, I couldn’t play “Chopsticks.” No talent for anything.”
“I thought you said you were a businessman.”
“Yep, but I didn’t show any particular talent for that either. I just got by.”
“Hey, buddy, that’s all you can expect. Just to get by.”
“But it’s all over, now. All over.”
“Don’t go sappy on me. Come on, drink up. I’ll buy you another.”
“Thanks. Let’s buy the piano player a drink. Whaddya say?”
“Sure. Here, pal.”
Two more gold coins plunked into the tumbler as the piano player finished the tune and did a short finale.
Scattered applause.
He rose from the keyboard and picked up the tumbler.
“Thank you, gentlemen. Much appreciated.”
“Don’t mention it, pal.”
He made his way past the bar, nodding to the barkeep, Rhadamanthus,[17] en route.
He found the owner, Minos,[18] in the back room, sitting at his untidy desk and writing in a ledger. Minos looked up, smiled, and laid down his pen.
“Good crowd tonight, eh?”
“Pretty good. Drunker than usual, and all the more generous.”
“That’s the idea, pal. Part those fools from their cash.”
“Here’s your cut for the night. That was the last set.”
Minos looked at his pocket watch. “Hey, look at that, almost closing time.”
“Speaking of time, mine here is nearing its end.”
“How long’s it been?”
“Seventy years.”
“That all? Seems like you’ve always been around. So, you got your nest egg up to respectable proportions, eh?”
“More or less. I have my eye on a sleek little schooner down at Alecto Wharf.”
“So, you’re gonna ship out at last, huh. Good luck. Talked with a chandler yet?”
“Not yet, but I have friends, connections.”
“Outfitting’ll set you back some, you know that.”
“I know it. I have it all scoped out.”
“Good, good.”
Minos yawned and stretched his chubby arms.
“I’m bushed. Going to call it a night.”
“Night, boss.”
“G’night, Steve.”
Minos paused at the door and said, “Your own name come to you yet?”
“No. I still go by “Steve Daedalus’[19] around town.”
“It’ll come. Part of the learning process.”
“Boss, what is it I’m supposed to be learning?”
“You got me, Steve. Not my department.”
“I still have the vague feeling that I don’t belong here.”
“Yeah, you’ve said that many times. You know, I’m inclined to agree with you. You don’t seem like the rest.”
“I don’t feel dead.”
“Well, there’s always some residual disbelief.”
“I feel it’s a lot more than that. I really do not believe I’m supposed to be here.”
Minos shrugged. “But you’re here. Hey, what are you gonna do? Maybe you just haven’t faced facts yet.”
“Possibly. Possibly.”
“Then again …” Minos heaved his shoulders again. “I dunno. Maybe you’ll find your answer out to sea, like everybody else. Maybe your case is special, but your destiny is still the same. The only way to find out is to get on that boat and take the final journey.”
“To where, boss? Where?”
“But … Stevie boy, that’s the whole point, isn’t it?”
Steve nodded. “Yeah, I guess it is.”
“Right. Well, I’ll see you … Uh, you are gonna work one more shift?”
“Sure. Tomorrow-which-is-meaningless-here.”
“Okey-doke. See you around.”
“Right.”
Minos shut the door after him.
He poured himself two fingers of ambrosia from Minos’ hidden stash and sat, sipping thoughtfully.
Seventeen
Spot Quiz No
Multiple Choice. Circle the correct answer.
A. spell that makes things happen is called a:
A. magic spell
B. make-it-happen spell
C. facilitation spell
D. bribe
A device for faster-than-light communication is a:
A. cellular phone
B. CB radio
C. multiphone
D. friend of your wife
What character in Greek mythology does the strange specter in the ferryboat evoke?
A. Charon
B. Theseus
C. Bellerophon
D. Biff the Wonder Clam of Phrygia
Departed relatives may be contacted in the afterworld through the services of a:
A. psychic medium
B. necromancer
C. good lawyer
D. yenta
There once was a man from Khartoum, who took a lesbian up to his:
A. room
B. pad
C. flat
D. roommate
Life’s a bitch, and then you:
16
The author would have quoted some lyrics, but obtaining the proper rights and permissions is a costly and vexing process.
17
Cf. “Rhadamanthus,” above. Note the return to mythology here. This mixing of ancient and modern allusions is very clever.
18
As you can see, the Greek mythology theme has been dispensed with in favor of more cryptic allusions. What he’s getting at here is anybody’s guess.
19
Again with the Greek stuff, this time by way of Joyce, which makes the allusion not only charming but adds layers of meaning as well.