With Stephanie's video camera capturing the event, including the disappearance of the bruise, Paul realized what I had done. "You are horrible!" he screamed. "Horrible! You're a horrible, angry dyke!"
ONE-LEGGED WONDER
A while back I tried to set my friend Sarah up with my brother Ray, to no avail.
"Whatever happened to hooking him up with Sarah?" Sloane asked me when my sisters and I were on a three-way phone call discussing the fact that our brother had been single for far too long.
"It's a little late for that, since she's getting married in two weeks. I do love Ray, and I'd be willing to break up most relationships if it meant giving him one, but I have grown to love Sarah's fiance, even though Firouz is Iranian and has only one leg."
"Come again?" Sidney asked me.
"I told you guys this already," I lied.
"No, Chelsea. I think I would have remembered if you told me that Sarah's fiance was legless. Is he in a wheelchair?"
"No. I really can't believe I didn't tell you this already. He lost one of his legs in Iraq."
"I thought he was an editor?" Sloane asked.
"He is," I confirmed. "But he volunteered for the war and lost his leg in combat, so he's got one of those plastic thingamijiggies."
"Sarah is marrying someone with no leg?" Sidney asked.
"He has one leg. God, you guys are pretty judgmental. He loves her and she loves him. It's not like he can't walk around."
"So let me get this straight," Sloane asked. "She rejected Ray for a one-legged soldier? Is he a Republican, too?"
"No! Of course not! He's a Democrat."
"Where is the leg?" inquired Sloane.
"I have no idea where the leg is, Sloane. This isn't CSI: Miami. I didn't ask where the leg is. Obviously it's gone. It's probably still somewhere in Afghanistan."
"Chelsea, you said Iraq," Sidney reminded me. "Is this one of your stupid stories? Because it sure sounds stupid."
"Then ask her!" I yelled, exhausted. "Like I'd make up someone losing their leg."
A week later Ray moved out to Los Angeles to be the caterer for my show. He had come to learn about Firouz's leg through my sisters and had questions of his own. Sarah was nice enough to invite Ray to her wedding, since he was new to L.A., and when Ray watched Sarah and Firouz dance to their first song, he leaned over and said to Ted, "For a guy with one leg, that guy can really move. Are Iranians known for dancing?"
It didn't take long for Ted to come over and inform me that not only did he confirm my lie about Firouz's having one leg, but he also took it up a notch and told Ray that Firouz was able to score Heather Mills's old leg on eBay for only fifteen hundred dollars. Not an amazing attempt to corroborate my story, but a valiant effort nonetheless, especially for someone who took so long to get on board with my chronic storytelling. I was just glad we were finally on the same team. Like Serena and Venus playing doubles together. Not opponents but large black teammates.
Acknowledgments
These are the people I acknowledge: Michael Broussard, Beth de Guzman, Jamie Raab, Sara Weiss, Anne Twomey, Grand Central Publishing, Hachette Book Group, and the main person involved in getting everyone to give away all of their rights: Eva Magdalenski from Denver. My sisters and brothers for giving me a life; it's safe to say your efforts in me paid off. I acknowledge my father, although I don't appreciate his body type or complete lack of morality. Steve Marmalstein, Jen Kirkman, Heather McDonald, Johnny Milord, Chris Franjola, Sarah Colonna, Brad Wollack, Jeff Wild, Guy Branum, and Sue Murphy for carrying me when I am too tired to carry myself, like footprints in the sand but not really. Tom Brunelle is responsible for me having any time to write a book, and responsible for allowing me to sleep in, and responsible for me having a successful mid-level cable show. I love you, dearly. Also, thank you, India. And finally, thank you Belvedere Vodka for keeping me sane.
