When children are raised to believe they are bad and they deserve punishment, violence on TV and in the movies has a much greater negative impact. When children are raised without spanking, punishment, or guilt, they are still influenced by violent programming, but at least they are less attracted to it. Parents should be diligent in protecting their children from the influence of too much sex and violence in the movies and on TV.
The power to raise healthy children is within the parents’ reach. We cannot fully blame the problem of increasing youth violence on Hollywood. Hollywood only provides what we want to see. As long as children are raised with fear and guilt, they will continue to want the violence Hollywood offers.
WHY CHILDREN BECOME UNRULY AND DISRUPTIVE
There are clear reasons why children in schools today are more unruly, disrespectful, aggressive, and violent. It is not a big mystery. When children are overstimulated by aggression or the threat of punishment at home, it creates hyperactivity in boys — or what is now diagnosed as Attention Deficit Disorder.
In girls, aggressive tendencies are acted out against themselves with feelings of low self-esteem and eating disorders.
Go into any prison, and you will find that all violent offenders, without exception, have been severely punished or beaten as children. The abuse they have suffered is heartbreaking just as the abuse they inflicted on their victims is heartbreaking. Yet even outside the prisons and in the counseling office, many millions of people suffer from depression, anxiety, apathy, and other emotional disorders as a result of fear-based parenting.
On the other hand, there are many children today who are disruptive and impaired from the affects of “soft” parenting. Traditional parents are correct in being skeptical about modern soft-parenting approaches. Although the intent to be love-based is present, the skills to make it effective are not being practiced. The freedom and power given by the five messages must be balanced by equally powerful skills to maintain control over children and create cooperation. If you want to drive a fast car, you must make sure you have great brakes. You can’t give children more freedom unless you have the skills to restrain them so that they behave in an orderly manner.
You can’t give children more freedom unless
you have the skills to restrain them so that
they behave in an orderly manner.
Many parents who were mistreated as children resolved never to hit, spank, degrade, or punish their children. They knew what didn’t work and, to be better parents, stopped doing it. The problem is they didn’t know how to replace the old fear-based practices with love-based skills. Refusing to discipline their children in many cases spoiled their children.
This kind of soft parenting is just as ineffective as traditional fear-based approaches.
Giving up past fear-based techniques only works when you replace them with something else that is more effective.
Although children today have new needs, they still need a parent who is in control. Otherwise, no matter how much you love your child, the child goes out of control.
Positive parenting uses the practice of making the child take a time out in a variety of ways which are age appropriate to replace the need to spank or punish. Even then, time outs are used as a last measure. Long before resorting to a time out, there are many other skills to be applied so that a time out works. Otherwise, it just becomes another fear-based punishment and loses its effectiveness.
Positive parenting uses the practice of time
outs to replace the need to spank or punish.
In light of an alternative way of parenting our children without fear or guilt, we really need to stop and consider why anyone deserves to be beaten or feel pain because they have made a mistake. No one ever deserves punishment. Everyone deserves to be loved and supported. Even in the past, no one ever deserved punishment, but it was the only way to regain and maintain control. Punishment and spanking helped parents keep the upper hand and control their children. Today, punishment and spanking have the opposite effect.
In the past, punishment maintained control,
but today it has the opposite effect.
In the past, children did not have the capacity within themselves to know what was right or wrong. The fear of punishment was necessary to deter them from misbehaving. The more resistant children were, the more punishment they received. Punishment was needed to break their will. It is precisely this kind of strategy that would allow people to tolerate and even support the abuses of tyrants and dictators throughout history. Weak-willed people will allow abuse. Fortunately, times have changed and Western society will not tolerate and support abusive tyrants. Just as society has changed, so have our children. Our children will not be broken, but will continue to rebel in response to spanking and punishment.
If you are still against giving up spanking and punishing, ask yourself this question: If there was another way to have the same or even better effect that didn’t involve fear, punishment, or guilt, would you consider it? Of course you would. We cling to fear, punishment, and guilt only because we don’t know another way. As you read on to learn these new non-fear-based techniques, they will not only make sense, but will also work. That is the whole point. We are not exploring the philosophical pros and cons of parenting approaches. We are talking about an alternative approach that will start working right away.
Thousands of people in my seminars and workshops on parenting have already started to use this approach with success. It not only works, but it feels right in your heart. Let your heart and common sense give you the confidence and courage to move ahead in giving up outdated parenting tactics and begin using these new skills of positive parenting.
A GLOBAL SHIFT IN CONSCIOUSNESS
During the twentieth century, Western psychology developed in response to the new needs of the collective consciousness.
Prior to the last hundred years, an introspective exploration of our inner feelings, desires, and needs was not that important. People were more concerned with their survival and security and not worried about how they felt. Most people were not even aware of their feelings. To a great degree, most people were not even aware of their psychological and emotional needs.
Just as the world has changed, our children have as well.
Many times, my children are more articulate and aware of their inner feelings than I am of mine. We have all been born at a time of tremendous change in global consciousness. As the collective consciousness of society has shifted, our inner world has become more important. The attributes of love, compassion, cooperation, and forgiveness are no longer lofty concepts for philosophers and spiritual leaders, they are daily experiences. The behaviors and practices of people in power that were once acceptable are now seen to be abusive.
The attributes of love, compassion,
cooperation, and forgiveness are no longer
lofty concepts for philosophers and spiritual
leaders, they are daily experiences.
History is filled with atrocities of human conscience.
Throughout the Dark Ages, different religious and political institutions were responsible for brutally murdering and torturing millions of innocent men, women, and children simply because they had different beliefs about God or chose natural herbs to heal their bodies. These atrocities have continued even into the twentieth century. Yet today, most people oppose them. Since human consciousness has evolved, justifying these kind of atrocities has become almost unthinkable.