The point I’m trying to make here, as far as I can tell, is that you want subordinates who, when it comes to thinking up ideas, are more like dogs than like cats. Ideally, you should determine this before you hire people, by giving them a test, as explained below.
Test To Find Out If A Potential Employee Is The Kind Of Person Who Thinks Up Ideas
Show the person three forms, marked A, B, and C. Tell him that part of his job would be to fill out the three forms, then throw Form B away. Stress that this is company policy. If he nods and says, “Okay,” or if he asks you a question like, “How can you tell which one is Form B?” hire him. But if he says something like, “Gee, it seems kind of inefficient to fill out a form you’re just going to throw away,” get rid of him. This is the kind of person who will eventually, no matter how much training you give him, come up with an idea.
You should also check the person’s references for telltale statements like: “Ellen comes up with a lot of good ideas.” Or: “Ellen is a real innovator.”
What these people are trying to tell you is: “Ellen will get your job, and you’ll wind up on the street licking the insides of discarded chicken gumbo soup cans.
How To Fire People
This is the most painful part of being a supervisor, except for the part when you slam your finger in a file drawer. You never want to fire anybody, but sometimes you have an employee who has done something totally unacceptable, such as stealing, or drinking liquor on the job without sharing it, or coming up with an idea, and you have no choice but to let this person go.
There is no good way to fire an employee, but there are some things you can do to make it easier. You can have compassion. You can have understanding. You can have two large security guards named Bruno standing next to you and holding hot knitting needles. Call the employee in and say, “Ted, your performance has been unsatisfactory, so I’m afraid these two Brunos are going to have to poke out your eyes with hot knitting needles. I hate to do this, but the only alternative is to fire you.” At this point, Ted will beg you to fire him. He may well confess to the Lindbergh baby kidnapping.
That about covers how you should behave around your subordinates. Now for the really important issue, which is:
How You Should Behave Around Other Executives
Years ago, corporation executives tended to be middle-aged white Anglo-Saxon Protestant males with as much individuality, style, and flair as generic denture adhesive. Today’s corporations however, thanks to a growing awareness of the value of diversity and of avoiding giant federal lawsuits, have opened their executive ranks to people of all races and sexes, provided they are willing to act, dress, and talk like middle-aged white Anglo-Saxon Protestant males. This is what you need to learn how to do.
List Of Topics That Middle-Aged White Anglo-Saxon Males Talk To Each Other About When They’re Not Talking Business
1. SPORTS.
As we can see from the above list, if you want to get along with the other executives, you have to learn how to talk about sports. This is pretty easy, if you know certain key phrases, as shown in the chart.
Chart Of Key Phrases To Use When Talking About Sports
SPORT SEASON KEY PHRASE
FOOTBALL July to February “They got some really bad calls.”
BASEBALL March to October “Some of those calls they got were really bad.”
BASKETBALL August to March “I can’t believe some of those calls they got.”
ICE HOCKEY Eternal “Can you believe some of those calls they got?”
To you, these phrases may not seem to have a whole lot of meat on them, but believe me, middle-aged white Anglo-Saxon Protestant males can use them to keep a conversation going for hours.
Here’s an interesting Ethical Question you might care to think about: if you go to a meeting of executives, and just by chance it happens that not a single one of you is a middle-aged white Anglo-Saxon Protestant male, do you still have to talk about sports? Or could you, in that one meeting, without telling anybody else, switch over to another topic, such as the theater? (“I can’t believe some of the reviews they got!”)
My personal feeling about this is, it’s not worth the risk. Somebody might report you.
Joining A Club
At some point, if you really want to make it to the top, you have to join a club. Actually, you have to join two clubs: one should be in the city, and it should be very old and have big dark drafty rooms where deceased members sit and read the paper all day. It should also have really bad food. The idea is, when you want to make a deal with an important client, you take him to your club for lunch, and eventually he realizes that unless the two of you reach an agreement, you’ll take him to your club again, so he gives you whatever you want.
The other club is your country club. This is a place where during the day you can relax by putting on ugly pants and golfing with other executives, and at night you can hold social affairs where you give each other golf trophies and, if everybody is in a really funky mood, dance the fox-trot. This is called “networking,” and it is very valuable because in the business world, a golf trophy creates a lifelong bond between two people.
Of course most clubs have certain requirements regarding who they will allow to become a member. I don’t mean to suggest here that they don’t admit minority groups. Ha ha! Don’t be ridiculous! After all, these are the eighties! Today’s clubs are more than happy to admit any minority person whatsoever, provided this person is also a member of the U.S. Supreme Court. But even if you don’t fall into this category, you should apply for membership. What’s the worst they can do? Laugh at you? Blow their noses on your application? Foreclose your mortgage? Have you fired and see to it that you’ll never again get a job, anywhere in the country, better than Urinal Cake Replacer? Don’t be intimidated! Go before the Membership Committee and explain to them that you really, sincerely want to join, and that you will work hard to be the best darned member they have ever had, and that you have photographs of them entering and leaving rooms at the Out-O’-Town Motor Lodge and Motel in various interesting groups of up to six people and two mature female caribou. They’ll welcome you with open arms. Don’t let them kiss you on the lips.
Computers In Business
You won’t last long in the modern business world if you’re not comfortable with computers. Computers are involved in every aspect of business from doing the payroll to running the elevators, and if they don’t like you, they can make your elevator drop like a stone for 20 floors, then yank it up and drop it again until your skeletal system looks like oatmeal. So you damn well better read this chapter and get comfortable with them and become their friend.