“Isn't that beautiful?” she asked. And she did not let go of me. I had to show her what I had. She became ecstatic and kept calling out, “Gee, how beautiful!” She wanted me to take off my clothes. She insisted, begged. But I did not do it. We sat next to each other upon the couch for quite some time, she with her skirt lifted high, and I with an open fly, and our hands were not idle. On top of that I had to lick and suck continually on her breasts. It was wild. We possibly could have kept this up for a long time but because of her ardent laboring my member started to burn and sting so terribly that I jumped up groaning. She lost all color and became very flustered and begged me to say nothing to my Mama. Well, I did not say a thing even though I was still hurting that night and despite the fact that I was terribly afraid. When I met Grete the next morning near the bandstand she told me that she had been too excited to sleep at all. If my Mama really did not know anything and if I was still hurting, she wanted to know. It was remarkable how easy it was to put her at ease! Finally she said with an air of superiority, “Ah, you are still too young and too stupid!” And ever since she did not even as much as look at me, no matter how much I tried to attract her attention.
A few days later I saw her in the company of a gentleman who was very big and who had very thick and heavy lips. She stared at him without interruption and he kept smiling at her. I did not feel well at all. Frankly, I believe that I must have been insanely jealous, because I was convinced that that gentleman had seen her exactly the same way I had. How much honey must she have been pasting on her chest to accommodate those big lips! I tried to imagine him licking and smacking. I became unbearably excited. I ran up and down the promenade which led to the springs, avidly looking at the girls and especially the women who showed their fullness through the thin summer dresses they were wearing.
At noontime Mama picked me up in the hotel's reading room, like she did every day, to go to lunch. She was terribly upset about the way I looked and the tutor had to feel my pulse. Thereupon they called the doctor and before afternoon I was in bed. Mama sat next to me, the tutor at her side. My dear God, those two people were so beautiful. Once in a while they whispered to each other, very softly so that I could not understand one word from the French they were speaking. I pretended to be asleep but I was constantly looking at them from between my half-closed eyelids. Mama seemed to be terribly concerned and she leaned over to look at me quite often. And then I saw her lean back and her hand would be in front of her beautiful blue eyes, those eyes which made her look like a Madonna. The tutor kneeled next to her and pressed his lips upon her white hand. I heard him say, “Please, don't cry, it will not be that bad.” She embraced him and pressed his face against her bosom.
When I woke up again I had compresses on my head and I was terribly thirsty. I heard Mama's voice and then I heard her sob loudly. I believe that someone led her out of the room. Only much later she told me that I had been very, very ill and that she was about to ask Papa to come and stay with us. But I had a strong constitution and I was well fed. That is why I made it. And on my eighth birthday, which was a special celebration, I was allowed to get up for the first time. But I was so weakened that, despite the fact that the doctor was holding me, I barely managed to walk through the room once.
It was well into fall before we left Marienbad. Mama was more beautiful than ever. She wore a white, very low-cut Foulard dress, richly adorned with lace up front and she smiled very often and had an extremely contented look. Throughout the railroad voyage the tutor was very concerned about her every move, but she laughed at him. And whenever she thought that nobody noticed it, she caressed his cheeks. We only stayed at home for two days and then the three of us traveled to Nice — Mama, the tutor and I. Father had taken us to the railroad station. He kissed Mama's hand and said, “Take good care of yourself.” He shook hands with the tutor without saying a word. But he swallowed as if something was stuck in his throat. In Nice I was under continual supervision. Mama did not leave me out of her sight and at night the tutor slept in my room which was connected by an unlocked door with Mama's room. I do believe that those two people were very happy, but I was bored to death, especially since they were so extremely careful. Quite frequently I lay awake for hours, listening behind the open door. I heard Mama talk to the tutor and I could hear quite clearly that they were talking about the most unimportant matters, about books and things that were of absolutely no interest to me. So finally I got into the habit of falling asleep as soon as I went to bed. Mama had become positively enchanting, though, despite her cure in Marienbad, it seemed to me that she had put on weight nevertheless. I remember that once she gave me a big kiss and said, “If you're a nice boy, maybe we will give you a little baby brother for Christmas.” When she said that, the tutor blushed a deep red and Mama looked up to him with an adoring look on her lovely face.
We returned home a few days before Christmas — Mama and me. The tutor drove up to the house with us, but he did not come in. I will never forget the long painful look he gave Mania when he took leave from us. Mama whispered to him, “Don't look so glum, when it is all over we will take another journey with the child. I will write you a letter.” I pretended not to listen, though not a single word had escaped me. Besides, I did not think it strange that those two were on such confidential terms with each other and I was overjoyed at the idea that the three of us would soon go on another voyage. After all, it was obvious that “the child” was me.
One can imagine my utter surprise when I was told, shortly after we had come home, that I was to go to a boarding school! Right after New Year's I really had to go. A strange gentleman had arrived, a teacher of the school where I had been enrolled. He stayed with us for a few days so that I could get acquainted with him, and then I had to leave. The farewell from my mother was very sad. Mama pressed me against her and cried, and I cried too, nuzzling her full bosom. I can remember that I wished nothing else but to tear Mama's nightgown and kiss her naked breasts. Finally Mama pushed me away from her with a certain insistence. Papa went with the boarding school teacher and me to the station. He kissed me and said nothing else but, “Have courage!”
I got into the coach.
* * *
I spent three years in that boarding school without ever seeing my parents, not even during the vacations. I know that my mother must have suffered greatly, because she loved me very much. But I also must respect my father's feelings and his reasons for keeping me away from home. Especially now, since I have grown into adulthood, I realize that he was not so devoid of male vanity as to have been without shame before his son.
Life in this educational institution gave a new twist to my sexuality. Physical education, which took an important part in our curriculum, gave me indeed more strength, but it did not tire me enough. It is possible that they should have given me more to do than those pupils whose resistance was not as great as mine. I derived my greatest pleasure from the large swimming pool of the school. When I found myself amidst all those nude boys for the first time (they were not even wearing swimming trunks), I was overcome by a strange feeling of shame. Almost automatically I kept my hands in front of my member, and, as I found out later, that was how the boys could notice the newcomers to their school.