"Heed my words," I tell them. From this moment forward, in order to save themselves, they must utilize the slang terms nigger and fag at every opportunity. They must never wash their hands after using the toilet. They must refrain from ever covering their mouths when they cough or sneeze, especially while aboard crowded airplanes during in-flight meal service and filmic presentations of The English Patient. Oh, I just go on and on. Damn, but I'm having so much fun. And at the last possible instant before they choke totally to death, mired in their own pungent filth, I throw open the door, allowing every one of their peers full view of what these three Miss Twatty Twatlanders have become.
There they sprawl, moaning in their own slippery degradation for all the world to observe.
And yes, I am petty and vengeful, but I have places to be and flowering trees to plant. I have evil hordes and bloodthirsty armies to command. According to my sensible, durable wristwatch it's twenty minutes to Halloween midnight.
To anyone reading this who isn't already dead, I wish you luck. Honestly, I do. You just keep swallowing your vitamins. Keep jogging around reservoirs and avoiding secondhand cigarette smoke. Cross your fingers… maybe death won't happen to you.
And yes, I am thirteen and dead and a girl. I might be a touch of a sadist and a little bit jejune… but at least I'm not a victim, not any longer. I hope. I hope, therefore I am. Thank God for hope.
For the rest of you, please don't be afraid. If you go to Heaven, bully for you. But if you don't — well, look me up. The only thing that makes earth feel like Hell, or Hell feel like Hell, is our expectation that it ought to feel like Heaven. Earth is earth. Dead is dead. Another insider fact about the afterlife: If you miss your midnight curfew on All Hallows' Eve you'll be stuck wandering the earth, a ghost trapped among the living, until the next Halloween.
Now, if you'll excuse me, it's late, and I'm in a terrible, terrible hurry to go kick some satanic ass.
To be continued…