Her jaw dropped. “Oh, my poor, poor Noelle. So that is why you have come back.”
I nodded.
“I see … what a dreadful thing! I suppose one might have guessed.”
“Yes … I suppose so. I just thought of them as very good friends. Rather naive of me, I suppose.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t thought beyond getting away. I’ll have to think where I’m going from here.”
“And … Roderick?” asked Lisa.
“We were both bewildered. Everything was going well. Lady Constance was reconciled … and then Charlie came back and told us … and everything was shattered. Oh, Lisa, I don’t know how I can bear it. My mother … and now this …”
Lisa nodded and the tears came into her eyes.
“That was terrible,” she said.
“And now, when I thought I was going to be happy again, this happened.”
“You must stop brooding on it, Noelle. You have to find an interest …”
“I know. Tell me, Lisa, how are things with you?”
“I’ve got a job, and I believe Dolly looks on me as one of his regulars now. Lottie Langdon was off one night and I had a chance to take the lead. The audience gave me quite a good reception. Lottie’s not as hard to follow as your mother was. I think I did rather well, actually. It all helps. I am sure Dolly will give me a place in his next. Rags and Tatters can’t last much longer, and he is already considering something. Well, Dolly always is considering something.”
“I’m glad things are going well with you.”
“You must come and see the show again. It’s improved since you saw it. But I reckon it’s on the way out.”
I knew that I had been right to come to London. I felt the influence of my mother here and the first tragedy superimposed itself on the most recent one; but I had learned to live without her; I had even been contemplating a happy life. Now I must learn to live without either of the two people whom I had loved best in the world.
Everyone helped a great deal. Dolly arrived. He had heard, through Lisa, what had happened, and was all sympathy. He was amazingly gentle. I was to let him know if I felt like a visit to the theatre. Even if it wasn’t his show I wanted to see, he’d make sure I had a good seat and was well looked after. There was a camaraderie among theatrical folk and the daughter of Desiree would be welcome anywhere.
The days flowed on. It was existing. That was all I could call it. I awoke each morning with a cloud of depression settling over me, and I went through the days in a blank despair.
Lisa thought I should do some sort of work.
“Work is the best thing at such times,” she said.
I wondered if I should go to a hospital. There would be some voluntary work I could do, I supposed.
Lisa thought that might be a little depressing, which was the last thing I needed. Perhaps Dolly could help?
“What good should I be in the theatre?” I asked.
Martha came to see me. She had heard from Lisa the reason for my return.
Martha was deeply shocked. “It would have broken her heart if she’d known what trouble she’d caused you. I always thought there was something special between her and Charlie. And he was so fond of you, too. And you, of course, were the apple of her eye. She’d have done anything for you. What a turnabout, eh? And it was you she was thinking about all the time. It was always ‘What’s best for Noelle?’ I used to say to her: ‘You make a god of that child. You want to think of yourself.’ And now, because of all this … well, I reckon she’s crying her eyes out in heaven, if she’s looking down and seeing what’s happened. What are you going to do about it, love? I reckon you ought to do something.”
“I could go right away from here. I have to do something, Martha. What do people like me do when they are left as I am? There are only two courses open to them, as I’ve said so often. Governess to some peevish child, or companion to a demanding old woman.”
“Can’t see you doing either of them, I’m sure.”
“I don’t know. It would be different. I could be a little dignified, too, because I would not depend entirely on my salary, as most of those poor people have to. I’d have a certain independence.”
“You’re not seriously thinking of that, are you?”
“The trouble is, I am not seriously thinking of anything. I am just drifting along.”
That was exactly what I was doing; and I should have gone on doing so but for the arrival of Robert Bouchere.
Robert was surprised and pleased to find me at the house, but when he realized how unhappy I was, he was overcome with sorrow and sympathy.
“You must tell me all about it,” he said. “Tell me exactly what happened.”
So I told him. He was deeply shocked.
“You had no idea?” he said.
“No. It did not occur to me.”
“Have you ever wondered about your father?”
“Yes.”
“And asked your mother?”
“She was always evasive. She only told me that he was a good man. Well … Charlie is a good man.”
“His friendship with her went back a long way.”
“Yes, I know. I should have guessed perhaps.”
“He was insistent on taking you to his home.”
“I realize why now. I’m afraid I have been innocent … and very naive. I just thought they were great friends. I should have thought that, as I knew him so well and was fond of him … she would have told me.”
“My dear Noelle, you have suffered two great shocks. You are bewildered, and the best thing for you to do is to make plans. You must take some action. I think it would be good for you to go right away from here.”
“Where should I go?”
“As Charlie did, I promised your mother that, if the need arose, I would look after you. It would seem that the need is now here. Why should you not come to France with me … to my home … if only while you have time to make some decision about your future? You would be in a new place. It would all be so different. You could start again … make a new life. I could believe that here you will not find that easy. Here you remember too much. She is still here … in this house. Do you feel her presence?”
“You have left her rooms exactly as they were,” I said. “How could they change? Everything here reminds me of her … you, too.”
“That is why you should get away. You nurse your grief, chere Noelle. That is not good. You must get away … leave it behind you.”
“Go away …” I said bluntly. “Go right away. You have never told me much about your home, Robert.”
“It would perhaps be interesting for you to discover?”
“Would they … want me there?”
“Who? There is my sister, my great-niece … and there are occasional visits from my nephew … my sister’s son.”
“I thought you had a wife.”
“She has been dead eight years. What do you say to this plan?”
“I had not thought to leave the country.”
“It is best to leave the country. Thus you get right away. Everything will be different in France. You will start a life that is new entirely. Who knows? Perhaps this will be best for you.”
“Robert, you are good to me.”
“But of course. I have promised her that, if Charlie is not there, I shall stand … what is it you say? … in his shoes?”
“Yes, Robert. That’s right. It is so kind of you to care as you do.”
“My dear, I am fond of you. Your mother was very dear to me. I know that her great concern was for you. She made me promise … and if she had not done so … it would have been my duty … even if it did not give me great pleasure … which it does, as you know well. What do you say?”