She went out and left us and, as she did so, he came towards me and would have embraced me.
I felt lost and frightened without Maggie. I knew that there was nothing he could say to reassure me, for my good sense told me that Maggie's interpretation of what had happened was the correct one.
"How could you have left my lodgings?" he demanded. "When I came back, I found you gone."
"You were a long time gone, my lord," I said, and was surprised at the coolness of my voice. There was something in his face and perhaps even in his demeanor which told me that he was not finding it so easy to deceive me as he had previously. There was a subtle change in his manner and, while it made me very unhappy, or perhaps because of this, it aroused my anger and indignation and gave me the courage I needed to face him.
"It was business. Did I not tell you?"
"Business on that mysterious estate of yours?"
"What do you mean? Have done with this. What has happened to change you? My darling ..."
"I cannot have done before I have started," I said. "While you have been away I have been learning much. I have met your false priest. Sir Harry Fresham was very good in the part ... but not quite good enough."
For a moment the expression which crossed his face betrayed him and he muttered something beneath his breath.
He recovered himself and asked, almost plaintively: "What are you saying, Sarah? Come, enough of this. I know you are angry because I had to be away from you. It was necessary. Do you think I should have taken myself away if it were not?"
"Oh, yes," I said. "I think you might very well have done so. It is no use hiding the truth now, is it? I have learned it all. That ceremony was no ceremony. It was what you wicked men indulge in. It was a mock marriage, with a mock priest and a mock bridegroom. I have discovered all about it. Do you wonder that I have left your roof and come to my real friends?"
He seemed to come to a decision that further pretense was useless. I believed in that moment that he thought I had not only seen Sir Harry Fresham but had made him admit that he had played the part of the priest at the mock wedding.
"Listen, Sarah," he said. "I will look after you, I promise. You shall have a fine house. It will be as we planned it. I shall be with you ... whenever possible. It will be just as though ..."
Every hope I had had then was gone. Up till that moment I was praying that he would deny the accusation, that he would explain to me why these suspicions had come into being and disprove them in every way.
As I was silent he went on: "Come, Sarah, admit it. Did you not know it was something like this? Did you think that a man in my position could marry like that?"
"Someone so far beneath your station?" I asked.
"Well, you must know something of how these things are arranged."
"I understand now. Good enough to be taken to sport with awhile, but not to marry. That is it, is it not?"
I was humiliated beyond endurance. I hated myself as much as I did him for allowing myself to be so easily deceived.
What a fool I had been! A silly, innocent girl, meek, trusting, overawed by the first man who had noticed me. No wonder Kitty had thought fit to impress on me the danger of fife in London.
I hated him as he stood there, smiling cajolingly, trying to deceive me again.
"Please leave this house," I said, "and never, ever come near it again."
"Sarah, don't be so dramatic."
"It is probably a familiar situation with you. How many trusting women have you betrayed? Did you boast of it with those friends who helped you plan your villainous deeds? I wish to God that I had never seen you. I loathe you, I despise you for the miserable rogue you are. I never wish to see you again. The least you can do after having done so much to ruin my life is to get out of it."
"You do not mean this, Sarah. It is a blow, I am aware of that. But really, you should have realized."
"Go!"
"You will see sense in a day or so."
"I have already seen sense. That is why I ask you to go."
He lifted his shoulders and looked at me regretfully, bowed and said: "This is not the end, you know."
Then he was gone.
I slipped into a chair and stared blankly before me.
Maggie came in and knelt beside me.
"So, he has gone," she said.
I nodded.
"It is for the best," she said. "Sarah, my dear Sarah, we will turn our back on it. We shall do our best to forget it has happened. And we shall go on from here."
At Whitehall Stairs
I DO NOT KNOW how I should have lived through the weeks that followed but for Maggie. She was there all the time when I needed her. I had not realized until I had sent Jack away that it was all over, and I rejoiced that only a few people knew what had happened.
Maggie had talked seriously to Martha and Rose. She had told them the truth because she felt it was better for them to know the full story of which they already knew a great deal, and then they would draw their own conclusions. They were part of the family, she told them, and this was our secret.
I scarcely went out during those days. I was afraid of meeting someone. I had the feeling that I wanted to crawl away and hide.
Maggie understood. She helped me in every possible way and in the midst of my unhappiness I thanked God for this good friend.
A few weeks passed in this state. I began to think of the theater and the thought excited me. Maggie brought in news of what was happening and who was playing in what. I knew some of the plays and would imagine myself in them. I went over the parts I had played; I felt the old excitement creeping back, and I wanted to be there, a part of it all again.
I tried not to think of Jack. That was not possible, of course. I had wild fantasies in which he returned and proved it was all a mistake. We were truly married and he was begging me to go back with him.
How foolish I was!
"Forget it," said Maggie.
There were times when I felt the need to be alone. Then I would go outside sometimes at dusk in my hooded cloak so that I could not be easily recognized, walk past the theater and watch the people going in.
I felt that if I could go back to work I might begin to be happy again.
Sometimes I would talk to Maggie about it. She was in agreement with me. "You'll make a fresh start," she said. "If you were back on the stage you'd grow away from all this as time passes."
"Some will know what happened. They will laugh at me for a simpleton who was an easy victim."
"It has happened to others before you."
"I could not bear the sly looks."
"You cannot think Rosslyn has talked."
"No. I do not think so. Harry Fresham ..."
"They will not wish to expose themselves as such heartless villains."
"They might think they are very clever to have arranged such a farce."
"I think not. You will have to have courage. We will construct a story and keep to it. You have been away visiting your family in the country. Your mother was ill, perforce you had to stay and nurse her."
"As you did your sister."
"Exactly so."
"Perhaps one day, Maggie ..."
"When you are ready," she said.
So I took my evening jaunts past the theater and when I came back Maggie would be waiting for me. She was convinced that one day I should be ready to face anything that would take me back and she believed that the theater could be my salvation.
There were times when I felt deeply depressed, when I lured myself into thinking that Jack would come for me and would explain everything. It was the old theme that there had been a terrible mistake. I found it becoming harder to convince myself, but I still went on dreaming.