Jennifer walked numbly along the top of riverbank, picking her way past the boulders that dotted the bank. The water was low this time of year, but it was cold and still deep enough to be dangerous. She wanted to cry, but no tears came. The day had left her feeling so hollow she wasn’t surprised there was nothing left.
She looked out across the water, swift, cold, and deadly, and she crawled down to the edge, dropping her head into her hands. “You’ve done it, God. I’ve wondered for the past five months where my breaking point would be. Thought maybe I was tough enough to deal with whatever you threw at me, but I was wrong. I’ve endured separation, indescribable fear, evil, more death than I ever hoped to see, losing my husband twice, nearly losing a son, and now you have to rip my heart out too?”
A sob escaped her lips, and she shuddered, losing her grip on the rock and sliding down to the ice at the water’s edge, her legs splashing in up to her knees. The water was icy cold, causing her to jerk involuntarily, but she left her legs in, the temperature rapidly making them more and more numb. “Do you even care about me? Do you even know I’m alive, or did you just wind up this world and step back to watch it all fall apart?”
The river was rocky near the shore, then the bottom fell away to a deeper section where David liked to come and fish, though he never caught many to speak of. She estimated the water to be at least five feet deep, maybe six, not necessarily deep enough to be deadly, but fully dressed and with the cold temperatures, it could be dangerous. She didn’t have her gun, it was still on the floor beside the couch, but at least this way, her death could look like an accident.
Ten, fifteen minutes tops, she thought, and she would have no more worries, no more disappointments, no more struggles, no more anything. It could all be over. How nice it would be to not go to bed with your stomach hurting from hunger, or have to worry about what tomorrow might bring. If there was a heaven, maybe she would still make it. God embodied love, and surely He would understand what she’d been through. If hell was where she ended up, how could that be any worse than this. In fact, maybe it would be better, since she wouldn’t be cold or hungry. And, if there was nothing at all, well then there would be no struggles, no heartbreak, none of the crap that life seemed so happy to jam down your throat every day.
She stood up and reached out to swirl her hand in the water. It gave her goose bumps up and down her arms and across her back. She looked out to the deeper water, wondering how cold it would feel and how long it would hurt and if drowning or hypothermia would take her first. She took a step forward. The water was deeper and came up to her thigh. She gasped as the cold gripped her legs and the current tugged at her. She paused and looked around, knowing someone from the militia might come by and see her at any moment. She began to cry, wanting so much for all the pain to go away, but scared to take another step forward.
Jennifer heard laughter off in the distance that reminded her of Spencer, her pure, loving, little ray of sunshine whose enthusiastic hugs at bedtime melted all the troubles of the world away. Then she thought of Emma, and how much Emma mimicked her mother in wanting to be grown up and in charge, but how much she still craved her mother’s love and approval. David flashed before her, with his broad shoulders, his courage, and the emotional rock he had been for her through so many challenges. How can I do this to them? She shook her head, trying to clear it, to think straight. What am I doing, she asked herself.
“I’m not done yet,” she gasped, her jaw tight from the cold. She moved back towards the bank, her legs numb and unsteady. She stepped in a hole in the rocks, sinking up to her waist in the water. Shrieking from the cold, she grabbed at the ice ledge lining the side of the river to steady herself, but her fingers slipped off, causing her to lose her balance. The current nudged her, and she teetered back and forth as she fought to regain some stability. As she felt her foot slipping deeper into the water, she lunged forward and grabbed ahold of a large, exposed root on the bank of the river, clasping it tightly with both hands.
The root was thick, dry, and secure, and she clung to it while she caught her breath and regained her footing, then slowly pulled herself out of the water, her legs weakly pushing her body forward. Slowly climbing up the bank, Jennifer flopped over the top edge with a gasp of relief. She rolled onto her back and closed her eyes, letting out a breath and shaking her head slowly from side to side. In the distance she heard a horse approaching at a gallop, its hooves beating hard on the dirt path. Jennifer sat up to get out of the way, shielding the sun from her eyes to see who was approaching.
“Jennifer!”
Still numb and out of breath, she watched the horse come to a stop. Rose dismounted and rushed towards her. Jennifer wondered briefly if Rose had a gun and had come to eliminate the competition permanently.
“Jennifer, are you okay?”
Jennifer nodded, avoiding eye contact. “I’ll be fine. You don’t need to worry about me. Kyle isn’t here, you know. The community…”
“Jennifer, stop, please. You weren’t there when I came out of the bathroom, so I waited for you. When you didn’t come back, I began to think and realized what this must seem like. I was so tired from traveling and too excited to have made it that I didn’t explain things the way I should have. And, I forgot to tell you the most important thing.”
“Are you pregnant?”
Rose laughed. “No, I’m not pregnant. I haven’t had sex in almost a year, though heaven knows I tried with your husband. I’m embarrassed by what I did, but Kyle loves you. You need to know that. He refused to cheat on you even though I gave him the opportunity. That’s why I came here, because he’s one person I know I can trust. I just knew he was a decent man and thought he might help me.”
“You had nowhere else to go?”
Rose shook her head. “It’s pitiful, but true. My kids are too far away, my parents are dead, and my husband is gone, plus it was over with him anyway. I needed somewhere to go where I could be safe, or at least where I could trust the people around me.”
“So you’re saying you came here because Kyle wouldn’t sleep with you?” Jennifer blinked, fighting back tears that were a little freer in coming than they had been earlier.
Rose wavered a little. “I guess so, though that sounds bizarre. I came here because I wanted to be somewhere I felt safe. With what I knew of Kyle and what he told me of the community, I thought I’d find that here. I’m so sorry. I should have explained that first thing.”
Jennifer closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. “Thank you for clearing that up. I’ve been teetering near the edge emotionally for a while, and this nearly pushed me over. It feels good to be pulled a few feet back away from the brink.”
Rose reached out and grabbed Jennifer’s hands. “I truly am sorry. I wish there was something I could do for you.”
A thought came to Jennifer and she looked at Rose. “Would you be a character witness for Kyle?”
“Of course. Whatever you need.”
“Come with me.”
They returned to the house, where Jennifer put on dry clothes. Then the two women hurried across town, with Jennifer explaining to Rose what had happened to Kyle. When they reached their destination, Jennifer knocked sharply on the door. A young boy of about twelve answered. “Is Sean here?” Jennifer asked.
The boy nodded and turned. “Uncle Sean,” he called out. “There’s someone here for you.”
Jennifer waited for Sean to appear, bouncing with nervous energy. It was only a few seconds before she heard his voice.
“Hi, Jennifer. What brings you by?”
Jennifer smiled more fully than she had since the day Kyle had first arrived home. “Sean, I have someone here you have to talk to. Someone who will swear that Kyle would never do what he was convicted of. I want you to meet Rose Duncan.”