I took a few steps down the aisle toward it, more to get closer to Jane at the far end of it than to cozy up with the creature itself. “How’s it looking down there?” I shouted down to Jane. “Is it clear?” She looked off to both sides, then nodded.
“Good, then,” I said. “You might want to run.”
Much to her credit, Jane stood her ground. Slowly she took her basket and placed it on top of a stack of nearby cereal boxes. She wasn’t about to leave me to deal with this thing alone-or at least she was putting on one hell of a brave front. Personally, I was having a tough time doing it, but at least I had my trusty retractable bat hanging just inside my black leather coat.
I felt like a gunslinger preparing for high noon. I reached inside my coat and undid the safety strap that held the collapsed steel of the bat in its custom holster. I kept my movements subtle. I didn’t want to do anything sudden to alarm the creature, but I wanted to be prepared if it charged me, and the bat was my preferred weapon of choice. When it came to combating the supernatural, blunt trauma beat guns almost every time.
I looked the creature over. I had no clue what the hell it was, but one thing was for sure… Someone had beaten this monstrosity with not one but two ugly sticks.
“What’s it going to be, fugly?” I said. I looked to Jane. “Sweetie, Director Wesker’s still got you categorizing all those occult books at Tome, Sweet Tome for Greater and Lesser Arcana, yes?”
Jane squinted with a quizzical look but nodded.
“Awesome sauce,” I said, “because now would be an amazing time for you to bust out some book smarts and identify this creature for us.”
Jane looked it over with greater care before she spoke up. “Sorry, hon,” she said with a shrug. “You’ve got me. Most of the material I’m working on right now is more phenomenon based. More sightings and mystic events than para-anthropology. Maybe it’s a demon…?”
“I’m not sure,” I said, wishing I had paid more attention when the Department of Extraordinary Affairs had offered the A Walking Study in Demonology seminar. “I’m pretty sure they’re more hellfire-ish. I think it would maybe have a flaming sword or be flaming itself, and not in a West Village kind of way, either.”
Jane gave a weak laugh at that, which seemed to set something off in the creature. Its growl turned into a full-on snarl, revealing even more of its twist of teeth. It turned away from me and started with caution down the aisle toward Jane.
Screw this, I thought. I pulled my bat out and hit the button on the side of it, extending it to its full length. I started tapping it against one of the nearby shelves, the sound of metal on metal ringing out in a staccato clatter.
“Hey, dick,” I called out. “No one gets all hot and heavy with my girlfriend but me.”
Jane snorted from the other end of the aisle. “Sexist,” she said back to me.
“Would you rather take the first crack at him?”
Jane looked over the vicious, slobbering monstrosity. “No,” she said, sounding a little unsure. “You can go first. Wouldn’t want to emasculate you on date night, after all.”
“I appreciate that,” I said, grabbing a can from the nearest shelf. I spun it in my hand to look at it. Beets. I gauged the distance to the creature. “Batter up.”
I threw the can up in the air, cocked my bat back, and swung. I hit the can with a loud crack, only denting it but launching it perfectly toward the creature’s chest. The can hit hard against it, causing the monster to pause for a moment, but now it no longer looked undecided on whom to attack. It twisted all the way around toward me, flailing as it slipped on the floor tiles, its powerful arms knocking cans from the shelves with a savage ferocity I did not want to see leveled at me. It was getting ready to charge, and it would, once its talons found purchase on the floor. Wanting to both get it away from Jane and find a better position for myself, I mentally considered one of the cardinal rules I had learned on day one when joining the Department of Extraordinary Affairs:
Running is always an option.
I turned and hauled ass down the aisle while the monster got itself together and gave chase. I knocked whatever I could down as I ran, hoping to slow the creature, but all I heard behind me was the crunch of cans and the shattering of bottles as it closed in pursuit. When I turned from one aisle to the next, I was able to buy myself a second, as it had a hard time cornering on the tiles. The monster slid and slammed into the end cap items. Then it picked itself up and got back to its lightning speed in no time.
I could keep outmaneuvering it, but for how long? I could already feel my body giving out, getting winded. Then a thought struck me and I headed back toward the produce aisle. Looking back, I saw the creature once again collapsed in a pile of cans, struggling back to its feet and starting up after me again.
I turned up the produce aisle, not really caring what I did or didn’t run into. The intensity with which the creature was giving chase was terrifying. As it got closer, I could actually feel fear projecting outward from it. I fought back the false sense of spiraling, wall-climbing panic it tried to wash over my heart until I was back at my healthy level of panic. I saw a glimmer of hope in one of the produce bins and I ran for it, grabbing onto it and knocking it over as I passed. I kept running until I hit the end of the aisle before I chanced a backward glance. The creature was stopped about a third of the way back down the aisle by my overturned bin, spinning around in place but otherwise unable to move. Dozens of garlic bulbs, the bane of a whole mess of paranormal boogeymen, encircled the creature. The monster had come right down the aisle behind me, unable to fully stop itself before it slid into my little aromatic trap. Score one for Team Luck.
I walked back toward the creature, marveling at it. It had gone silent as it sniffed around with caution, looking for a way out. I picked up a solid bunch of garlic in my hand and popped it up like a baseball. The bulb burst open on impact, but the individual cloves flew out of it at a wild speed. Like a shotgun blast, they hit the creature all over, causing it to hiss out in pain.
Jane came around the far corner of the next aisle, this time with a different shopping basket from before. From the way she was carrying it, the thing must have weighed a ton. The contents of it were black, boxy, and a little larger than one of my fists.
“Are those batteries?” I shouted over the creature’s roar. I scooped up another bunch of garlic and snapped it off my bat at the creature. This time it writhed as it retreated as far inside its containment circle as it could. I was hurting it.
Jane dropped the basket at her feet and when she stood, she held one of the giant batteries in her hand. She read the side of one of them. “Lantern batteries,” she said. “I feel like shedding a little light on things.” The battery in her hand began to crackle with tiny electrical sparks as Jane willed her ability over it.
Technomancy-the arcane ability to bend machines, gadgets, and raw electrical power to her will. Her boss, Thaddeus Wesker, had brought it out in her, and her natural talent for it had saved my ass a time or two. I felt the sudden need to move myself farther back from where the creature stood.
The giant battery fit perfectly into the cup of Jane’s hand and she lifted it up. I was too far away to hear anything, but it looked like she was whispering to the battery while a tiny tornado of blue sparks began to race around it. The seams along the top of it began to warp and twist. Using an underhand softball pitch, Jane wound up and launched the battery at the creature, smacking it on its right shoulder. The battery exploded with a soft pop followed by a splash of acid that sprayed in a tight circle around the monster.