‘Gosh,’ said Heather cogently.
‘I suggest you bethink a circle of light around your whole being in readiness. Also call upon the countless legion of Violet Elohim for support. Visualise yourself within the electronic pattern. Keep the rhythm of invocation going at all times. And don’t offer her any refreshments.’
‘Of course not, great Hilarion.’ As if they would be so crass. ‘Have you any idea of the exact -’
But he was off. Back over the aeons to the galaxy of his choice. At one once more with the burning stars and solar fire of divine alchemy. Briefly the words ‘I AM’ burned in the heavens then they too were gone and Ken gave a great sigh as he sloughed off his ethereal persona and returned to the thorny old work-a-day world. He looked across at Heather.
‘How was it for you?’
‘Ohh ... Unity of Life as Light in the Sisterhood of Angels. A new core Avataric message - God Ego equals Vestal Virgin. A bit samey to tell you the truth. But Hilarion ...’ Heather tried not to sound miffed. ‘Giving you a prediction ...’ Ken blushed, shrugged and regarded the sole of his upturned left foot. ‘Do you think we should tell the others?’
‘Certainly,’ replied Ken. ‘It would be unfair not to. Imagine their surprise otherwise. And we have to consider the Master. He is old and frail. An unadvised shock of this magnitude might well be too much for him.’
Suhami was milking Calypso, resting her cheek against the goat’s cream and chocolate flanks, gently squeezing dark wrinkled teats. The milk spurted into a plastic bucket.
When not tethered about the place Calypso lived in an outhouse. This was clean and whitewashed with a two-part stable door. There were rows of apples on slatted shelves. Though scabby, the fruit smelt very wholesome as did Calypso’s straw which was changed every day.
Suhami loved this place. The quietness. The golden warmth of the morning sun as it bounced off snowy walls. It reminded her of the Solar where they gathered for meditation - having the same charged, beneficent brightness. Even while noting the comparison she smiled. Nothing very spiritual about an old byre full of goat. But the Master had said that God could be present anywhere if the heart was open and humble, so why not here?
‘Why not Cally - hmn?’ Suhami shook off the last drips of milk and stroked the goat’s warm mottled udder. Calypso turned her head, lifted a rubbery lip and gazed at her milkmaid intently. The pupils of the goat’s eyes were yellow horizontal slits and she had a slight beard, girlish and feathery. Her expression never changed. She always looked ruminative and self-satisfied, as if guarding an important secret. A back hoof shifted slightly and Suhami moved the bucket out of harm’s way. Calypso’s bell gave a petulant honk. There was nothing she liked more than kicking the milk over.
In a moment Christopher would be here to take her out to graze. The habit was to move her round and about the vast lawn where she would nibble away producing a nap like velvet. This idea of establishing goat browsage rights had been voted for almost unanimously after a petrol mower was judged to be environmentally unsound. Only Ken, who was allergic to the milk, abstained.
Suhami slipped Calypso’s leather collar on, gave her an apple and put a second in the lovely tapestry bag resting against the milking stool. The bag was a birthday present from May. The embroidery of glowing sunflowers and deep purple irises against a background of earth and red-brown leaves was almost identical to the design on May’s own bag which Suhami had long admired. Only the sunflowers were different. A shade paler, for the shop in Causton had run out of marigold wool and could only offer the slightly less rich amber. Suhami had been very touched, picturing May secretly sewing in her room, motivated solely by the wish for someone else’s happiness, hiding the work if Suhami came by. Suhami had received so much kindness since moving to the Manor House, in addition to the supreme kindness of the Master’s teaching. So many offerings of quiet concern, conversations where someone really listened, gestures of comfort, tasks shared. Now they knew who she really was all this would change. Oh - they would try to carry on as usual. To treat her just the same but it would be impossible. Eventually money would drive a wedge. It always did.
Suhami’s lips twisted ironically as she remembered how excited and hopeful she had been at the idea of choosing a new name and leaving her old self behind in London. A naïve and childish way of going on, for how could one shed twenty miserable years or become another person by such an ingenuous device? Yet it had helped. As ‘Sheila Gray’ she had presented a new face for new friends to write their affections on. Then her growing interest in and determined practice of Vedanta, coupled with a deepening commitment to further change, had suggested her present title. Now her days were filled with quiet gratitude which she took for happiness, for it was as near as she had ever been.
And then Christopher joined the commune. They had slipped almost immediately into an easy jokey friendship. He would tease her - not unkindly (he was never unkind) - crossing his hands over his heart in a mock languish of love, swearing he would waste away if she would not have him. This was in front of the others. When they were alone he was quite different. He would talk then about his past, his hopes for the future, of how he wanted to get out from behind the camera and write and direct. Occasionally he kissed her, grave sweet kisses quite unlike the heartless mouth-mashings she had previously endured.
When she thought of Christopher’s inevitable departure Suhami had to remember very hard the Master’s maxim that all she needed to sustain her was not out there in the ether, or residing in another person’s psyche, but right in her own heart. This struck her as a tough and lonely dictum and she’d been alone enough already. As she pondered, footsteps disturbed the gravel outside and Suhami’s fingers trembled against the wooden stool.
Christopher leaned over the stable door and said, ‘How’s my girl?’
‘She’s been eating apples again.’
As always Suhami was both exhilarated and perturbed by the sight of him. By the soft black hair and pale skin and glowing, slightly tilted grey-green eyes. She waited to hear him say, ‘And how’s my other girl?’ for this was a well worn bit of cross-talk. But he simply pushed open the stable door and crossed over to Calypso, taking hold of her collar saying, ‘C’mon old fat and hairy.’ He had hardly smiled and in a moment they would both be gone.
Suhami said: ‘Aren’t you going to wish me happy birthday?’
‘I’m sorry. Of course I am, love.’ He wound the chain about his wrist. ‘Happy birthday.’
‘And you haven’t declared your undying passion for nearly a week. It’s not good enough.’
Struggling to keep her voice light, to make a joke of it, Suhami heard the echo of a hundred similar questions in a hundred other scenes. Won’t you come in for a minute? Shall I see you again? Would you like to stay the night? Will you give me a call? Must you go already? Do you love me ... do you love me ... do you love me? And she thought: Oh God - I haven’t changed at all. And I must. I must. I can’t go on like this.
‘I know you only do it in fun ...’ She heard the pleading note and loathed the sound.
‘It was never in fun.’ His voice was harsh as he tugged at Calypso’s chain. ‘I said come on ...’
‘Not ...’ Suhami stood up, dizzy and weightless. She stared at him in disbelief. ‘Not in fun? What then?’
‘Does it matter.’
‘Christopher.’ She ran towards him shaking with emotion, putting herself directly in his path. ‘What do you mean? You must tell me what you mean.’