“… And bless that while we’re sleeping, no bugs will crawl into our ears and lay eggs in our brains,” adds Edith.
Margo shoots her a disapproving look. “Great. Thanks for that image.”
Agnes continues with the prayers. “… And please bless that someone will adopt us soon… and that the mommy and daddy will be nice… and have a pet unicorn. Amen.”
“Amen,” say Margo and Edith.
The girls climb into their beds, and Margo turns out the light. Agnes begins singing to her stuffed unicorn, which goes with her everywhere:
Edith puts her pillow over her head. But Agnes keeps on singing.
While she sleeps, Agnes dreams of unicorns.She also dreams of being part of a family… as she does every night.
CHAPTER FOUR
“There are a lot of new villains out there.”
“Hello, Mom. To what do I owe this pleasure?”
Gru is in his car when he receives a call from his mother, the meanest woman on the planet. She is in the middle of a karate class.
“I just wanted to congratulate you on stealing the pyramid,” his mother says. “That was you, wasn’t it? Or was it a villain who’s actually successful?”
Gru clenches his teeth. “Why is it that nothing I ever do is good enough for you?”
Gru’s mother stops mid-kick and stares at the phone through her cat’s-eye-shaped glasses. “That is so not true.”
“It is true!” insists Gru. He can remember when he was a child. He drew a picture of his mother and proudly showed it to her. She just shrugged and went back to reading her book.
So he made a statue of her out of pasta. Noodles were piled high to represent her tower of hair. He painted a massive portrait of her as the Mona Lisa. Each time, she wasn’t impressed in the least.
A determined look crosses Gru’s face. “Just so you know, Mom,” he begins. “I am about to do something very, very big—very important. When you hear about it, you will be very proud.”
In her karate class, his mother simply shrugs. “Okay, I’m out of here.”
Gru sighs. It seems that no matter what he does, he can’t please his mother. But that doesn’t keep him from trying. It’s time to put his next big plan in motion. A wicked grin crosses Gru’s face as he drives down the street toward the bank. Right in front is a small parking space between two cars. SMASH! He knocks one out of the way. CRASH! He demolishes the other one.
Holding his briefcase, Gru casually gets out of his car and walks inside the bank. He strides past the receptionist and into the restroom. After using his Freeze Ray on the only other guy in there, Gru stands in front of a urinal. Lasers shoot out of it, scanning Gru’s eyes. A secret door opens, and Gru enters the Bank of Evil—the secret underground bank that finances all of the world’s villains.
Gru walks down a hallway featuring a series of statues of a man being progressively crushed by a pillar. He has always liked that work of art.
Soon he arrives at the Loans Desk. “Gru to see Mr. Perkins,” he says to the receptionist.
“Yes, please have a seat,” replies the receptionist.
Gru takes a seat on a red leather sofa. He unrolls a piece of paper with his master plan to steal the moon. As he studies it, something distracting catches his eye. He looks up to see a nerdy villain sitting across from him. The villain wears glasses and a costume that looks like an orange tracksuit, but with a really big collar. His potbelly is not part of the costume.
“Hey,” says the other villain.
Gru doesn’t say a word and goes back to studying his plan. The villain comes and sits down next to Gru.
“I’m applying for a new villain loan,” he says to Gru. “I go by the name of Vector.”
Irritated, Gru slides to the other end of the couch. Vector follows.
“It’s a mathematical term,” Vector says of his name. “A quantity represented by an arrow with both direction and magnitude.”
Gru attempts to ignore him. Vector doesn’t seem to notice.
“Vector. That’s me. ’Cause I’m committing crimes with both direction and magnitude. Oh, yeah!”
Gru continues to pay no attention to him, so Vector holds up a futuristic-looking gun with a dangerous piranha sloshing around inside the barrel. The sharp-toothed fish gasps for air.
“Check out my new weapon: Piranha Gun!” brags Vector. “Oh, yes! It fires live piranhas at you. Ever seen one before? No, you haven’t—I invented it.” Vector’s eyes light up as he gets an idea. “You want a demonstration?”
Before Vector can even aim the weapon, the piranha falls out of the barrel and onto the floor, flopping around. Vector tries to catch the slimy creature. “Oh… ah…! So difficult sometimes to get the piranha back in my—”
Gru wishes he could be anywhere else at the moment. He finds it painful watching this pathetic wannabe villain and his ridiculous Piranha Gun. Luckily, at that moment the receptionist speaks up.
“Mr. Gru? Mr. Perkins will see you now.”
Thrilled to escape from the ramblings of Vector, Gru springs off the couch. He follows the receptionist into the office of the loan manager, Mr. Perkins. The large man has hair shaped like horns, and he sits behind an enormous desk.
Excitedly, Gru makes his presentation to Mr. Perkins. He sets up charts, showing how he plans to use a Shrink Ray to shrink the moon and steal it. One diagram even shows the rocket he’ll use.
“So all I need is some funding from the bank, and then the moon is ours,” Gru finishes, and sits down. He holds his breath, hoping to get enough money at least to build the rocket.
“Wow. Well, very nice presentation,” Mr. Perkins says. “I’d like to see this Shrink Ray.”
Gru squirms in his seat. “Absolutely. Will do,” he tells Mr. Perkins. Then quietly, he adds, “As soon as I have it.”
Mr. Perkins frowns. “You don’t have it?” he asks. “And yet you have the audacity to ask the bank for money?”
“Apparently,” Gru agrees, with a nod.
Mr. Perkins’s voice begins to rise. “Do you have any idea of the capital that this bank has invested in you, Gru? With far too few of your sinister plots actually turning a profit, I might add.” Mr. Perkins stands up and walks around his office. “Hmm… how can I put it?” He pulls an apple from his coat. “Say this apple is you. If we don’t start getting our money back…”
Mr. Perkins squeezes the apple until it explodes!
“Get the picture?” says Mr. Perkins with a nasty grin as he shakes the apple juice off his hand. Then he holds up a balloon that is filled with something.
“What about this convenient balloon filled with flour? Let’s say this is you.” Mr. Perkins hurls the balloon at the wall, where it bursts in a shower of white powder.
Gru gulps loudly.
“Look, Gru, the point is, there are a lot of new villains out there. Younger than you. Hungrier than you. Like that young fellow out there named Vector. He just stole the pyramid.”