All we did was talk."
His body relaxed, as if tension drained from him.
I sat up and forced my eyes to his. "I would never do that.
I don't want anyone but you. He's right though. I needed time to think. I needed to talk to someone face to face about this who wouldn't look at me like I was a freak."
His eyes widened. "I'm sorry, babe. I didn't mean for you to feel like—"
I shook my head, cutting him off. "You didn't. You didn't do anything wrong. This is about me." Now the words would come, the ones I'd said to Tony, his advice to me. "I need to get better at asking for what I need from you. I haven't done a very good job of being your Domme."
"Honey, you've been great. I'm sorry I've put you through this." He looked at our hands, where he'd laced his fingers through mine. "We can stop if you want. I understand."
"No." I took a deep breath. "That's not what I want. You enjoy this. And I enjoy making you feel like that. But there's going to be times I need you to be and do things for me, too."
His hopeful eyes met mine and he eagerly nodded.
"Whatever you want, you ask."
"I need to do a better job telling you what I want, of teaching you. I didn't realize that before. I guess I assumed since we were playing this and you asked me to do it that you knew what you wanted and what I wanted." I asked the question. "What do you want out of this?"
His mouth opened, then closed.
That actually made me feel better, that he was as lost as I was.
He shook his head. "I want to have fun."
"Okay, that's a start. Why do you want to be my sub?"
He pursed his lips as he thought about it. I was having a hard time concentrating with what smelled like beef stew calling me to the kitchen, but I wanted this handled. Now.
He finally spoke. "I enjoy doing things for you like this. I enjoy letting go and giving myself to you. I like knowing you have full control over me and trusting you like that."
I didn't know how far he could go. I kept Tony's advice in mind. "I will do that for you, but I need to be honest with you. I wish there were times I could just let go and you would be in charge. At least in the bedroom. There will be times I need you to do that for me, to give me a break. Give me a chance to recharge."
I read the surprise in his eyes. Maybe he hadn't really understood me before, all the times in the past when I'd tried to nudge him into a dominant role.
"What do you want me to do?" he asked. "I'll do it."
I shifted position, sitting in his lap, his strong arms around me, my head on his shoulder. "Sometimes, I need to just be.
I need you strong and taking care of me, not just serving me.
I don't know how to explain the difference."
He nuzzled the back of my neck, making me shiver.
"Okay."
"Not all the time. Sometimes I need to recharge. Tony said it was called 'Dom drop' or something. I don't mean you need to play my Dom, but sometimes I just need you to be my husband. Sometimes I need you to be more than that." I took a deep breath. "I promise I'll do a better job teaching you things so you understand what I want."
"I love you so much." He hugged me tightly and I didn't want to cry, but I did. I sobbed against him, loving this man and knowing I had to find a way to get a handle on this for him. As hard as this was for me, I craved the look of unadulterated joy in his eyes when we played. I enjoyed seeing him looking years younger than he had.
I relished the comments from my friends that he seemed like a changed man, a younger man.
I enjoyed how sexy he made me feel, and that he was practically like a horny teenager with me, when most of my friends were complaining they could barely get their husbands to look at them in bed anymore.
We both were changed.
I could—would—do this. I had to.
I finally quit bawling and we ate. He held my chair for me and served me dinner, smiling when I complemented him on his cooking. He wouldn't let me help him with the dishes. I had to admit there was something incredibly sexy about watching a naked man's ass while he washed dishes.
A thought hit me. "You didn't wear your collar to work today, did you?"
He turned from the sink and nodded. "Yes."
I felt horrible. "Why did you do that?"
"Because you told me I wasn't allowed to take it off except in an emergency. That wasn't an emergency."
"But that had to be uncomfortable."
He shrugged, then the faintest of smiles curled his lips. "I loosened it one notch so it rode lower under my collar. And I wore a necktie. No one could tell."
I watched as his cock slowly inflated.
Fuck. That was...
Hot.
"You liked having your collar on at work?"
He nodded, still stiffening. "I liked knowing I was still obeying you." He arched an eyebrow at me. "Of course, Mistress could punish me for loosening my collar and not wearing it properly."
His cock stood at full attention at the thought.
Oh boy.
"Did you have it locked?"
He nodded. "I only had the lock off long enough to loosen it one notch. Then I put it right back on. As soon as I got in the car before I came home I put it back the way it belonged."
I imagined him doing that, loosening his tie and unbuttoning his collar, looking in the rear view mirror to see what he was doing. My mouth went dry.
"So what did you do with your day collar?"
He looked at me like I was nuts. "I wore it."
"Why?"
"Because you told me I'm always to wear it when I'm not at home."
"But you had your collar on."
He nodded. "Yes?"
Now I was wet.
What the hell was wrong with me? Or was there anything wrong with me? Maybe I was meant to do this with him.
When he finished the dishes he walked over to me and took my hands. "If you can't do this, I understand. I have fun doing this with you. I spend half my day imagining what I'm going to do for you when I get home, and I don't just mean sex, either. I like knowing that as soon as I walk through the door my world begins and ends with you."
His stiff erection poked against my hip.
"But the sex is hotter."
He nodded, smiling. "Fuck, yes. I spend most of my day at work hard as a rock. I haven't felt like this in years."
I wanted honesty, I got it.
I knew we couldn't go back. Frankly, I really didn't want to. Maybe I could find a balance I could comfortably live with.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and ground my hips against him. "I want you to take me to bed and make love to me. If you're a good boy, I'll reward you."
He shivered with anticipation. "Really?"
I kissed the base of his throat. "Yes. Make love to me right now, and I'll let you spend the rest of the evening with one of your toys in your ass—"
He scooped me into his arms, crushing his lips against mine, practically running with me to our bedroom.
Something inside me broke free in a good way. I could live like this.
Maybe I hadn't been trying hard enough. Maybe I hadn't spent enough time looking for my path, had spent too much time focused on his, trying to do it the way I thought he wanted it done.
An hour later, he'd made me come twice and left me a melted puddle of flesh in the middle of our bed. I crooked my finger at him. "Fuck me, baby."
I didn't have to ask twice. As his eyes squeezed shut I wrapped my legs around his waist. Then I stretched just a little, running my finger down the crack of his ass and settling it over his rim.
He gasped, his strokes harder. I teased him, not fucking him with my finger, just pressing firmly enough against the puckered ring of muscle to give him a tantalizing hint of what I knew he wanted.