A spring from an AK-47 rifle came flying out of a shredded tent and directly into my face. “Ow. Shit, dude, watch out!” I blurted out in English to Mofak, one of the jundi with me. Mofak looked at me puzzled, not understanding what I had said. “Jamal, shaku maku? Inta zien?” (Jamal, what happened? Are you okay?) Still flinching from the pain, I replied, “Anii zien, bess shtisowwi wiya AK?” (I am fine, but what are you doing with the AK?) Mofak would not respond, so I entered the tent.
Mofak decided to dismantle the AK-47 inside the tent. “Mofak, what are you doing, man?” I asked. “Nothing,” he responded. “I am destroying this AK-47 so they don’t attack us with it when we leave.” Despite my desire to agree with him, I had to explain to Mofak that the Iraqi people were allowed to have one AK-47 per household, even if their household was a shitty tent on some island in the middle of nowhere.
Mofak understood and begrudingly tossed the rifle on the ground. “Jamal, you know everyone out here is an insurgent, don’t you?” I responded, “Yes, Mofak, that may be true, but we have to respect these people. Here’s a deal. If they fire on us when we leave, we will come back here and take them all back to the Iraqi camp for interrogation. Will that work?” He nodded in agreement. “Okay, that is good. However, I will kill them if they shoot at us so we won’t even have to worry about bringing them back to Camp Ali.”
At the conclusion of our search efforts, we rallied everyone together, including our two insurgent detainees, and patrolled back to our landing zone for extract. Our mission, despite its chaotic beginnings, had been a complete success. The Marines operating the boat hollered, “Sir, how was it? You got the insurgents?” Excited, I answered, “Oh yeah, we got them. Now let’s get the hell out of here!” They shouted back, “Oohrah, Sir. Roger that.” We loaded onto the speedboats and dashed for Haditha.
Part 4
BETWEEN IRAQ AND A HARD PLACE
Chapter 19
Contending with Iraq Culture
“Resgar, do you want to run with us?” Adams and I were on a jog and wanted to see if our resident Kurd, who speaks five languages, was interested. “Jamal, I am so sorry,” he replied. “I cannot run with you. I have too many bullet holes in my legs.” Never hearing this excuse before in my life, I asked again for clarification. Resgar elaborated. “Jamal, I have five bullet wounds in my legs from snipers in the Iran and Iraq War. I have shrapnel in my body and hands and I have a bullet wound on my head from a friendly Iraqi aircraft round that ricocheted off my head. I have a hard time moving my body.”
What can you reasonably say to an excuse like that? I laughed. “Resgar, my brother, no problem. We don’t want you running with us anyway—you will probably make us run too fast!”
Iraqis operate in an environment unimaginable to outsiders—and it is reflected in their unique culture.
Iraqi Sex Education (or Lack Thereof)
Most of the MiTT hates sitting on Iraqi COC duty. I particularly love it because it is a great opportunity to speak with the Iraqis. One day the Iraqis and I discussed everyone’s favorite topic—sex.
The Iraqis receive little to no sex education and are naturally curious. Our first conversation was on the fabled clitoris: what it was, how to find it, and how it can give a woman pleasure. In what was very awkward conversation, I explained to the jundi the basic concept of the organ. I tried to explain everything to the serious-faced jundi in Arabic without bursting into laughter but had a difficult time. I think the Iraqis understood the gist of what I was trying to tell them, even if they got half of it wrong. I was amazed at how sexually illiterate they were. I felt like I was surrounded by a bunch of teenage boys who were frothing at the mouth for the opportunity to learn the basics of female anatomy. I didn’t claim to be any sort of expert on sexual matters, but even my rudimentary knowledge put me in a class above most Iraqis.
The conversation lit a fire under the jundi. Lieutenant Colonel Ali asked, “Jamal, how do American men last so long in bed and how do you grow your penises so large?” Baffled, I replied, “What are you talking about, man?” He responded, “On all the movies I see the man humping the woman for over an hour and they always have a penis the size of a baby’s arm! What cream or medicine are you guys taking?”
I shook my head in disgust, hiding my laughter. “Listen, you understand that in the porno movies they always hire the guys with the biggest dicks, right? You also gotta understand that the reason those movies go on for hours is because they cut scenes and take breaks—none of it is reality!” Ali wasn’t buying it. “Jamal, you are full of shit. I know there is a medicine you can take. I’ve seen these things on the Internet. I have also heard that to increase your penis size you guys inject some sort of jelly substance into your cock.”
Sometimes I wondered where Iraqis get their information. I continued, “Oh, so you saw it on the Internet and now it must be true? Guys, let me tell you, everything you see on the Internet or on television does not reflect the reality of America.” I paused. “Trust me, my penis is only nine inches long and I usually only last an average of thirty minutes in bed.” The sarcasm in my comment didn’t communicate to the jundi I was joking. They looked at me with a sense of reverence. “Guys, I’m joking. Lighten up.”
I was tired of being the jundi’s sexual education teacher and instead turned the conversation over to them. I addressed Ahmed and the others. “Ahmed, tell me about sex in Iraq. What do you guys do that I would find surprising?” Ahmed turned to his fellow Arabs and they conversed in Arabic for a moment, then Ahmed turned to me. “Jamal, have you heard of the Shia custom of ‘enjoyable marriage?’” Perplexed, I replied, “Enjoyable marriage? Naw, never heard of it. Explain this one to me.”
Ahmed explained, “Jamal, the concept is very easy. If you are a widow you are allowed to pay a man to be your temporary husband. The temporary husband’s job is to have sex with the woman, protect her, and take care of her.” I smirked and asked, “What does Allah think of all this?”
“Well, it’s a tricky situation,” Ahmed replied. “Allah doesn’t really see this as a true marriage because there is no love involved. It is purely a pragmatic solution to a common problem.” I replied, “Uh, you’re going to have to explain a bit more for me, Ahmed.” He obliged, saying, “Sure, I will give you an example of when an enjoyable marriage is legal and not legal in the eyes of Allah.”
Ahmed began to lecture. “Okay Jamal, let’s say a widow wants to have an enjoyable marriage. She will market herself or other men will come to her to make a proposal. Let’s say they agree to a six-month agreement. The man from that point forward is able to have sex with the woman and is obligated to take care of her.” I asked, “Okay, why doesn’t Allah see that as having sex outside of marriage?” He responded, “Well, here is the catch. At the end of the six-month period, the agreement must end. If the two individuals actually love each other, or want to continue the contract, they have to get married. If they are caught having sex after the agreement, they will be punished as any other sexual offender would be punished.”