“Look up.”
I did. I looked at the far wall and at the new picture hanging there. It had an ornately golden frame. Antique, I thought immediately. The picture wasn’t of people, but words. I couldn’t read them from here. They were written with curly black letters on a soft gray background.
Even though I didn’t know what it said, I could tell that it matched everything perfectly. It looked amazing on the wall. It brought everything together and added a bit of flare.
But why would there be a picture on the wall?
“What is it?” I whispered.
“You should go read it?” His voice pitched lower, trying to disguise his nerves. If I hadn’t known him so well, I wouldn’t have noticed. But I did know him. I knew him so well.
I didn’t move.
“Kate,” he whispered as if he could see my feet stuck in place and the way my hands trembled. “Go read it.”
I shook my head, but he couldn’t see me.
“Please.”
It was the broken plea that scratched from his throat that made me finally move. I couldn’t say no to that. No matter how much I wanted to. No matter how much I wanted to believe I could move on from this man, I couldn’t. Not if he said please like that.
Not if he sounded like he needed me to look at this picture more than he needed to breathe.
I had only turned on the lamp in the living room, so it was still fairly dark as I walked over to the wall. I bumped into the coffee table and clipped my shin because I couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to where I was going.
I found it harder and harder to swallow as I made my way to the wall. It took seconds, but I had myself so worked up by the time I reached the picture that I was worried I would pass out.
I propped one knee on a chair and leaned in.
Love that is enough.
Love that is big enough for two.
Love that is endless enough for more.
Love that is just between me and you.
My voice trembled as I asked, “What is it?”
I had heard his breath quiver before he asked, “Do you like it?”
“Nick, what is it?”
His sigh told me everything he didn’t say. He didn’t want to tell me what it was. He didn’t want to explain his actions or motives or anything. He just wanted me to like it.
But I couldn’t do that. I had to know. I had to know where it came from.
What made him do it?
“Do you remember Jared’s old girlfriend? The weird artist one?” I sucked in a sharp breath while he paused. Finally, he admitted, “Last year. I had it made for you last Christmas.”
“Why didn’t you give it to me?” I closed my eyes to stop the tears that threatened to spill over. Last year he’d gotten me a new Kindle. Mine had stopped turning on and I asked him for one. He’d gotten the exact one I’d picked out.
It had been a great gift. It had been exactly what I wanted.
But this… This was something… else.
His laugh was bitter. “Do you remember last Christmas?”
“Yes,” I whispered. “No… I mean, I don’t know.”
“We were not in a good place.” His voice was a roughened rasp against the phone. “Jared had asked to borrow money and we argued about it. I had to work Christmas Eve and you were mad and… and I chickened out. I didn’t want to upset you again. I didn’t want to fight with you on Christmas. It was easier to get you what you wanted.”
My heart thumped painfully against my chest. “Why did you think this would upset me?” Even though I knew why he would think that. Even though I knew, I could be mean.
More than mean.
I could be house-falling-on-me-because-I’m-the-wicked-witch-of-the-east kind of mean.
“I was afraid to remind you about… about having a baby. You were so confident it couldn’t happen. You still are.”
“Nick,” I hiccupped. I didn’t want to fight with him about this again. “It’s…” Too late. “Lovely.”
“We’re a mess, Kate.” His voice sounded stronger. It was absolutely silent on his end of the phone, so when he shifted I could tell that he was in bed. I pictured him in athletic shorts and a t-shirt, his long runner’s legs stretched out in front of him, his hair tousled from his fingers running through it all day.
“I wish you would have given this to me last Christmas.” I licked dry lips and stopped fighting the tears.
His voice was infinitely sad when he whispered, “I do too.” There was silence between us for a full minute, but I didn’t feel compelled to hang up with him.
Despite the pain of this moment, the poignant sense of loss, I needed to be near him in some way. It was like we were both acknowledging the magnitude of what we’d lost. We were both admitting how things could have been different between us.
When the heavy moment passed, Nick let out a long sigh and asked, “How was your Christmas?”
“Ugh,” I sighed. “My mother was extra special today.”
I swear I could hear his smile through the phone. “She’s usually super special.”
“Whatever,” I grumbled. “She’s like your new best friend. All I ever hear about anymore is how great you are, how I’m the biggest idiot ever for letting you go.”
“Well, that’s clear to everyone,” he teased.
I should have been irritated, but I smiled instead. “At least your ego is still intact.”
“You have your mom to thank for that.”
I laughed at his sarcasm. “I’m pretty sure your ego was just fine before my mom decided she approved of you.”
“It’s weird, though.” When I didn’t immediately agree, he added. “That she suddenly wants to be my friend. I went through years of hell with that woman and now she decides to like me.”
“Oh, my god, I’ve thought the exact same thing!” I plopped down in the chair I’d been kneeling on, unable to look at the picture anymore. “Do you think it’s your new job?”
“No,” he answered immediately, “she doesn’t know about it. Unless you told her.”
“Oh.” I had, but not until recently. When she invited him over for lunch that one Sunday, she didn’t know.
“I’m pretty sure she had a partial lobotomy. That’s the only reason I can come up with.”
“I don’t think you’re wrong.” I felt myself smile even though I felt as if I were spinning out of control. I forced myself to form words and ask, “How was your Christmas?”
“It was fine,” he sighed. “Jared and I went to our parents. We played Super Nintendo all day and ate too much. I felt thirteen again.”
I smiled again at the picture. Jared could be an absolute asshole, but I had always appreciated Nick’s relationship with him. They were good brothers to each other.
“He told me about when he saw you in Starbucks by the way,” Nick added. “He won’t talk to you like that again, Kate. I promise you that.”
My heart thumped in my chest. I believed him. “Thank you.” After another minute of silence, I asked, “How are your parents handling the divorce?”
He coughed suddenly and I could tell he didn’t want to answer the question. “Not as well as yours.”
“They blame me.”
“They blame both of us.”
I didn’t know what to say after that. I looked back at the art he’d made for me and felt a brand new sense of loss. “Did you write it?”
He knew exactly what I was talking about. “I did.”
“For me?”
“It’s not the first song I’ve written for you.”
“It’s a song?”
He didn’t say anything for a minute. I wasn’t sure he took a breath. There was only silence on his end, so much so that I had to check to make sure he didn’t hang up on me.
“It is a song,” he finally breathed.
Something I couldn’t name buzzed through me and made me breathless. “Have I heard it?”