My class was silent so I pressed them. “It’s better if you tell me.” When they continued to stare at me, I felt familiar fear. “Is he hurt? Sick? Did something happen to him?”
“Arrested,” someone called from the back of the room. “He got arrested last night.”
It wasn’t the most surprising news in the world, but it still dealt a painful blow. “Damn,” I whispered. I looked up and saw fear reflected in my students’ eyes. Fear and resignation. “How old is he?”
It was quiet for a long time before someone said, “Eighteen.”
Grief swirled through me and for a moment I thought I would be sick. I hated that he was an adult. I hated that he hadn’t been smart enough to get out of trouble on his own. But I hated more that I felt relief that he was off the streets.
And then I felt intense regret.
He had terrified me before Christmas break. And I had never gone to Mr. Kellar with what happened. I had been too afraid that Kellar would expel him.
It had been stupid of me. Dangerous even. But I wanted to give Andre a chance to finish school. I wanted to help him.
But I hadn’t. I hadn’t helped anything. I’d let him continue his wayward journey and now he’d gotten himself arrested.
My gaze tracked to Jay Allen, who sat with his head down, stabbing his notebook with a short pencil. He didn’t look up at me. It was like he knew what I was thinking.
Only I doubted Jay felt the same sense of loss.
It took me several minutes to pull myself together enough to teach. I struggled and stumbled until I found my rhythm. The class never fully engaged with me. They all felt the loss of one of their peers.
Unfortunately, it happened too often in this school. They weren’t always arrested. Sometimes they just dropped out.
Sometimes they were killed.
A chill slithered down my spine as I remembered how smart Andre could be… how far he could have gone.
When the bell finally rang, I knew I could have done so much better. Those were not my finest moments as a teacher.
I slumped back in my desk chair and tried to pull myself together for the rest of the day. The next hour was my plan period, so I had a little time, but it still felt like an impossible feat.
Long fingers tapped at the edge of my desk and I lifted my gaze to find Jay standing there with a determined expression on his face.
“Can I help you, Jay?”
“I know you never said anything to Kellar.”
His accusation felt strange like he wanted to call me out on it, but there was something more. I lifted my eyebrow, daring him to say whatever it was that he wanted to say.
“Why?” he finally asked. “Why didn’t you say anything? He threatened you. He threatened me!”
“Are you mad I didn’t turn him in because you felt threatened?”
He rolled his eyes at me and rubbed his hand over his shaved head. “Don’t be stupid.” He cut me a sideways glance that I interpreted as an apology for being rude. “But isn’t it your job to say something?”
“Yes,” I admitted. “I should have said something. He could have threatened another student. He could have brought another weapon to school. He could have truly hurt someone. I should have said something.”
“So why didn’t you?” His deep brown eyes searched mine intently, flickering back and forth, waiting for the truth.
So I gave it to him. “If I had said something, he would have gotten expelled.”
Jay let out a bark of mocking laughter. “So what! He ended up in jail, Carter. That’s way worse than getting expelled.”
I swallowed around the golf ball lodged in my throat. “Yeah, and if he would have gotten expelled? Would that have changed anything?”
Jay snorted, “No, he just would have ended up there sooner.”
“Exactly. I wanted him to avoid jail or prison or the lifestyle that he was so bent on having. I wanted him to have a chance at something better. I want the same thing for you and everyone else that comes into this classroom. I gave Andre a second chance and he squandered it. Nobody is more upset about that than me.”
“You don’t know the kind of neighborhood Gonzalez is from. They don’t give college scholarships to kids like him. They get their prison cells nice and ready because they know it’s only a matter of time.”
I expected Jay to be gloating over Andre’s fate, but I only saw an interesting mixture of regret and fear in his expression. Wondering if this was my chance to finally break through to him, I said, “They give scholarships to kids of every kind. It doesn’t matter what neighborhood, social class or family you come from. If you try hard enough. If you work hard enough, you can find a school that will want to take you.”
“So you’re saying Andre actually had a chance at college?”
“Andre was brilliant, Jay. So are you. Every student that comes into this school building and shows up day after day has a chance. But we can’t make you take it. You have to decide that you want it… that you want to do something bigger than prison or jail or whatever.”
He rocked back on his heels while he thought about it.
“College isn’t easy, Jay. And maybe it’s too late for a scholarship. But there’s financial aid. There are options for you. Have you talked to Ms. Chase?” He shook his head. “Talk to her. Please. She can walk you through this better than I can.”
“Maybe.”
“What are you afraid of?”
His gaze snapped back to mine and it was lethal. “I’m not afraid of anything. You saw me with a fu- with a knife to my throat. Did I look scared then?”
I breathed through the rapid beating of my heart. “Then why won’t you try at this?”
“It’s not that I don’t want to try.”
I stood up and placed both hands on my desk, my attempt at looking intimidating. “It is. You have to do something with your life, Jay, or you’re going to end up just like Andre.”
He stepped back, ready to run. “You don’t know me.”
“I know that life is hard work. I know that growing up is the hardest thing you’ll ever do and if you don’t try at something, if you don’t make yourself into something, then you won’t become anything. What Andre did? That’s the easy way out. Getting yourself out of your neighborhood and through college? That’s going to be a lot of goddamn work. But it will be worth it. I swear to you, it will be worth it. The best things in life come with a price. Work hard for those things. Work so hard that you don’t know how to be lazy.”
Jay’s lips twitched and I held my breath, hoping to God I got through to him. “You swear more than any other teacher I know.”
“That’s because I’m the coolest teacher you know.”
The look on his face told me he didn’t believe me. “Is this my second chance, Ms. C?”
I smiled at him. “I knew you were smart.”
He looked around us dramatically. “Shh, you’ll ruin my street cred.”
I rolled my eyes and pulled out a pass pad. “Do you need one of these? Are you late for class?”
“Yeah, but I just got Mr. Bunch and he doesn’t give a shit.” He started walking backward, out of my classroom. “Unlike you.”
“That sounds like an insult.”
“It might be. I haven’t decided yet.”
I laughed, despite myself. “Go to class, Jay.”
He gave me a sarcastic salute and disappeared out the doorway.
I sat back down in my chair, completely perplexed.
Kara appeared five minutes later with her lunch in hand and two Diet Cokes. She handed one over to me. “What’s with you?” she asked.
“Did you know Andre Gonzalez got arrested last night?”
Her eyes flashed with disappointment. “Yeah. It sounds serious. They caught him in possession, selling to minors.”
“Oh, my god.”
“He’s eighteen,” she added.
“I heard that.”
We were silent for a minute. “Jay Allen might come find you.”