Instead, I decided to take Annie for a walk after school. I wore rain boots so we could stomp through melting piles of snow. She loved every second of it. I knew I would have to bathe her as soon as we got home, but we’d been cooped up in the house for so long that I didn’t care.
We just needed to breathe freely and move our winter-atrophied appendages.
Walking was beyond therapeutic. I didn’t just have cabin fever from being indoors for months; I had it from being in my own skin… in my own head. I was exhausted from myself.
But today felt different. The end of the school year was in sight, the end of my divorce was too. Maybe.
Hopefully.
And tomorrow was my birthday. Thirty-one.
I nearly had a meltdown when I turned thirty. I couldn’t stand the idea of aging into a new decade. I wasn’t ready to let go of my twenties and the youthfulness they represented. Thirties seemed too mature for me. Too grown up.
But Nick had been the one that made it amazing. He’d given me bouquets of thirty things all day long. He kept having them delivered to my classroom until my desk had overflowed and I had to set things along the windowsill.
Thirty pink roses. Thirty cans of Diet Coke. Thirty Snickers Bars. Thirty brand new red Sharpies. Thirty dollars for my Kindle. Thirty dollars to Garmans Deli. Thirty packs of my favorite gum.
I had to make three trips out to the car to carry it all, but he was at home to help me haul it all inside. Then he’d taken me to a bar called Thirty and Clover. The food had been awful and we’d laughed about it all night. He had leaned over the table at the end of the night and said, “See? Thirty isn’t so bad.”
The next day we’d fought about something stupid. I couldn’t remember what it was now. But I knew we didn’t speak to each other for four days.
Two months later I demanded a divorce.
Annie and I walked around the corner of our block. I could see our cute house, up a little hill. The grass had started to peak out from beneath the melting piles of snow. It was still dead and brown, but at least I could see it.
It felt like hope.
It felt like change.
Mrs. Dunn was outside getting her mail and I stopped to talk to her. I hadn’t seen her in months. She was an elderly woman. Most of the people on our street were elderly or young parents with wild kids running everywhere. There wasn’t much in between.
“Hi, Mrs. Dunn.” I smiled at her and paused on the sidewalk. The leash hung loosely in my fingertips while Annie skipped around Mrs. Dunn’s pink velour jogging suit.
“Hi, Kate.” She bent over to pat Annie on the head. “Hi, pretty girl. Out for a walk?”
“It’s so nice today. We couldn’t resist.” Across the street, young kids bounded into their driveway with a basketball.
“Seems like everybody needs to get out of the house today,” Mrs. Dunn smiled across the street at the children playing. “Do you know the Jacksons? Nice family. The kids are sweet.” She gave me a sideways glance, “Loud, but sweet.”
I couldn’t help but smile. Mrs. Dunn thought the mailman was too loud.
I looked across the street as the basketball hit the rim of the hoop and bounced backward. It rolled off the end of the driveway and into the street. I watched in horror as the littlest girl ran for the ball just as a car came zooming down the street, way too fast for a neighborhood.
I threw my hands up to warn her to stop, but her older brother grabbed the back of her shirt just in time. I sucked in a gasping breath because my nightmare wasn’t over.
When I’d panicked about the little girl, I dropped the leash. Annie had raced into the street to get the ball. The car saw her, but couldn’t stop soon enough and my poor little Annie girl was caught under the tire.
I watched it all in a slow-motion nightmare. The car couldn’t get out of the way fast enough. I heard her pained yelp and leaped into motion. I followed her into the street, scooping her up in my arms as I sunk to my knees on the damp, cold pavement. She was filthy from our walk and soaking wet. Blood mingled with her wet, dirty fur, turning it a sickly brown color.
I sunk my fingers into her sticky coat, beyond terrified that she had died, that the monster in the car had killed her. Her little lungs trembled with the effort to breath. They shook in her small chest while her head rolled listlessly in my arms.
I ripped off her leash and the new collar Nick had bought her. I couldn’t figure out where she was bleeding from or what exactly was wrong with her. My mind spun and spun and spun and all I could do was panic. I was useless. Stupid. Completely hysterical. Nothing but terror and dread.
I could barely see her through my tears. I didn’t know what to do. I knew I needed to do something. I had to do something. But what? Not my Annie.
Please, not my Annie.
Please please please please.
I needed Nick. Oh, god. Nick would know what to do.
The driver got out of his murder machine and tried to talk to me, but I was too frantic to make sense of anything he said. Mrs. Dunn tried to intervene, but even she couldn’t translate my panic-stricken sobs.
Poor Annie just kept whimpering and twitching in my arms as I held her tightly to my chest.
I rocked her as gently as I could. I couldn’t let her die. The rational part of my brain told me to move, told me to get up and do something. But the fear of losing the one thing left that loved me so completely was too heavy. Too consuming.
“Kate, who can I call?” Mrs. Dunn’s voice slowly penetrated through my haze of panic. “Kate, we need to call someone.”
“Nick,” I gasped. “I need to call Nick.” I reached into the pocket of my coat with my clean hand and with shaking fingers I punched the right buttons.
I cooed to Annie as I waited for him to answer. Please pick up. Please, please, please pick up.
Finally, on the second try, he answered. “Hello?”
“Nick,” I cried. “It’s Annie!”
“Kate?” He sounded so confused, but I needed him to get this. Now.
“She’s been hit by a car,” I sobbed.
“Wait, what? Annie’s been hit by a car?”
“Yes!” My voice was a wretched sob from my chest. Annie winced again and my tears fell faster.
“Is she alive?”
“Barely.”
“Where are you?” His tone changed from fear to decision in a second. I closed my eyes against a fresh wave of tears. These ones were relief. I knew he would take charge. I knew he would know what to do.
“I’m in front of our house. It just happened. I don’t… I don’t know what to do.”
He cursed under his breath. “It’s five-thirty, it will take me forty-five minutes to get to you with traffic. Is there someone there that can drive you? I can meet you at the vet.”
I looked up at Mrs. Dunn. “Can you drive me to the veterinarian? It’s only ten minutes away. Nick can meet me there.”
“Of course, I can,” she said quickly. I noticed her exchanging information with the stranger, but I couldn’t even look at him.
He’d nearly killed Annie. I hated him. I didn’t care that it was an accident. I couldn’t stand the sight of him.
I knew I would eventually calm down, but I couldn’t right now. I needed to know she would be okay first.
“Mrs. Dunn’s going to take me,” I told Nick with a more level voice. But then it broke when I asked in a ragged whisper, “Promise you’ll come?”
“I’ll be there as soon as I can, Katie. I swear.”
“Thank you.”
“Go,” he ordered. “Get her some help.”
“Tell me it’s going to be okay,” I cried. “Tell me she’s going to be okay.”
His voice pitched low with sincerity and promise. “Kate, everything is going to be okay.”
I stood up and followed Mrs. Dunn because I believed him.