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An hour later I had been banished to the vet waiting room and my tears had turned into sickening panic that crushed my insides and turned everything into mucky goo.
God, I was a mess.
But I could not lose Annie. I could not.
The vet hadn’t given me good news, but he hadn’t given bad either. I looked around the bright waiting room and blinked against the utter whiteness of it.
We had been coming here since we first got Annie. A buddy of Nick’s from his work told us about it. The Animal Doctor was run by a gray-haired man in his late sixties. Dr. Miller had the kind of smile that reminded me of a horse, all big teeth and long face. But he had always done a phenomenal job with our puppy. His daughter worked here too, the second-generation veterinarian that would presumably take over the practice. She soothed my frayed nerves when I couldn’t stop staring at her dad’s shaking hands.
She’d wrapped her ice-cold fingers around my forearm and smiled patiently. “Annie’s in good hands,” she promised. “We’ll take care of her.”
She had walked me to the receptionist who had asked if there was someone she could call for me.
“My husband’s on his way,” I had explained. It hadn’t felt like a lie. It hadn’t even felt weird. Nick was still my husband. Maybe not for much longer. But today I needed him in his husband role.
Besides, I wasn’t sure if there was a family only policy. I didn’t want him to be banned from seeing Annie.
Did they do that here?
My head swam and I plunked down on the white plastic waiting room chair. White had always seemed like a bizarre choice for a place animals trotted into on a daily basis. And this wasn’t just any white. It wasn’t off-white or dull-white or faded-white. This was white white. The kind of white that reminded me of bleached teeth and black lights.
How did they get it this white?
How did they keep it this white?
“Kate?” Nick was suddenly kneeling in front of me, his warm hands gentle and comforting on my thighs. “How are you holding up?”
I swallowed roughly and stared into his ocean blue eyes. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t say the words. I shook my head in a frightened way and a few more fresh tears slipped out.
“Come here,” he murmured, pulling me against his solid chest.
I threw my arms around his neck and didn’t let go, even when he wobbled unsteadily. He caught us, pulling me to my feet so we could press against each other.
One of his arms wrapped around my waist and held me tightly to him, while his other hand palmed my nape, his fingers trailing through my hair. I buried my face against his neck and trembled against him.
“Can you tell me what happened?” His voice was a low rumble that cascaded over my skin like a warm caress. I felt his chest vibrate with his words and the flex of his fingertips against my side.
Pieces of me that had started to fragment, to break off and float away like I was some kind of shipwrecked rocket in space, found purchase in the gravity of Nick’s presence. All of these scarred, jagged splinters returned to their home and I became whole once more.
“We went for a walk,” I sniffled. “I stopped to talk to Mrs. Dunn and wasn’t paying attention. There was a basketball and she ran out to chase it, but… but there was a car… and-” My explanation died on a hiccupped sob.
Nick understood the gist of it anyway. He squeezed me tighter. His strong arms encased me in a protective shield that promised everything would be all right. We fit so perfectly together. His body was just tall enough to tower over mine in just the right way. I could tuck my arms under his or reach up and wrap them around his neck and either way was comfortable. When we lay in bed, his body could cover my back perfectly. His legs were just long enough to entwine with mine and make me feel tiny. His arms were the perfect length to hold me against him.
I had never really noticed before, at least not in this complete, awestruck way.
If I left this man, would I ever find another body so suited to mine? We were like puzzle pieces in the way we came together. And I didn’t know if I would ever fit into another puzzle.
Maybe I didn’t want to.
“Has the doctor said anything?”
I closed my eyes at the sound of his voice. It was as anguished as I felt. I knew he had stopped by to walk Annie whenever he could since we broke up. I knew he wanted to take her from me in the divorce settlement. But I had never really believed how attached to the dog he’d gotten.
I always thought he was trying to torture me.
“No. Nothing.”
“But she wasn’t already dead, right? They’re trying to save her.”
I nodded. “They’re trying. She was so weak, though. God, Nick, she seemed to be barely hanging on. You should have heard her. She could barely breathe and her little body was just limp.”
We stood there silently for a long time. Neither of us was willing to let the other go. I didn’t know what would have happened to me if Nick hadn’t been there to hold me together. I would have completely fallen apart. I would not have been able to survive the interminable waiting and minutes that stretched on like hours.
The waiting room became too bright so I closed my eyes, knowing I was safe in Nick’s arms… knowing he would keep me in one piece.
After a long time of silence, I pulled back from Nick. I wanted his comfort still, but my arms had started to fall asleep and my legs were tired. My hands trailed down his chest and he caught them by the wrists over his heart. His blue eyes pierced mine, searching for something or maybe just making sure I was okay to stand on my own.
He leaned forward and I inhaled him again, breathing in his skin. He pressed a delicate kiss to the corner of my eye and then as if he couldn’t help himself, to the corner of my lips.
When he released me, I felt like I’d cut off my arm. I wanted to throw myself on top of him. I wanted to weep in his arms, make him promise to never let go of me again.
Annie, my rational mind whispered. You’re just worried about Annie.
The dog had me too emotional. I felt like I was losing every single thing I had ever loved or cared about. I felt like it was my fault she was here and that Nick and I were in the place we were. I felt like I poisoned anything I touched, destroyed it with a look, killed it just by caring for it.
I argued with my emotions. They were overly sensitive because of the crisis. These things were not true. They couldn’t be.
I pulled back completely and slunk back into one of the waiting room chairs. The hard plastic dug into my spine and the backs of my thighs. I shifted, frustrated with the discomfort. “Did you come from work?”
Nick took the seat next to me and turned his whole body to face me. “Yeah.”
“I’m sorry I made you leave.”
“You didn’t,” he said immediately. “I wanted to come.”
“Can you leave whenever you want? Or, uh, um, tell me about your new job.”
His stare unsettled me, it was too intense, too absorbed in me. When his tongue dragged over his lower lip in concentration, I had to remind myself to swallow.
“I have set office hours, but if I need to leave, like today, I can. My boss is pretty cool with stuff like this.”
“And the scouting stuff? Is that part of your office hours?”
His smile was brief, but for a second it was there. “Yes, in a way. They’re considered mandatory, but nobody at the studio would turn them down. The shows I check out are in addition to what we do during the day, though.”
“That sounds busy. Does it ever get exhausting? Do you get tired of music?”
He leaned forward. “Come on, you know me better than that.”
I felt my lips tip up in a small smile. “Yeah, but how many shows do you have to go to a week? They can’t all be ready to sign.”
This time he chuckled and the waiting room suddenly seemed yellowed and dingy compared to his blinding brightness. “They’re not. So far I’ve only brought one band into the studio that I’ve thought could have some potential. And I’ve seen a lot of bands over the last few months. But we try not to do more than two shows a week. There’s a handful of scouts so we try to spread it around some. We have bands that we track down ourselves, but then there are some that request for us to come out and some that are brought to us through recommendation. Those we can pick and choose from.”