“Very cool.”
His eyes narrowed and his smile disappeared. “You don’t sound convinced.”
“I am! Really. I’m just tired from…” I gestured at the waiting room. “Seriously, Nick, I’m so happy for you. This sounds like the coolest job for you.”
“It is.” His palms spread out on his thighs and he pushed them down his jeans, reaching his knees with nervous energy. “It’s like a dream job, seriously.”
“Really? But what happened to the band?”
He canted his head thoughtfully. “I’m too old, I think.”
“You are not. Oh, my god. You’re thirty. That’s hardly ancient.”
“Thirty-one,” he corrected.
I swallowed, remembering his birthday too late. It had been last month. Valentine’s Day. I had never had a problem remembering in the past, but this year I had been too wrapped up in feeling alone and pathetic to think of anyone else.
Did it matter that I forgot his birthday? Was I supposed to remember? No, right?
We weren’t together anymore. His birthday happiness wasn’t one of my obligations anymore.
I glanced at the door that led back to the operating room and wondered what was taking them so long. Fix her, damn it.
Nick’s voice pulled me back to our conversation. “I just think… I honestly think I’m better at this. It’s like I found myself. I thought I knew who I was or what I wanted before, but it wasn’t until I stepped into the studio that I really figured it all out. I belong there. I’ve always belonged with music, but this is the how and why of it.”
“Nick, that’s amazing.” My words came out in a breathless whisper and I knew I was close to crying again. I blinked away hot tears and struggled to hold myself together. I hated that this bothered me, that he’d found this huge thing, discovered parts of him he hadn’t known, while he was away from me. I hated that I had nothing to do with it. “I’m so happy for you.”
His smile was small, nervous. His thumb and first finger tugged on his earlobe. “Kate, I-”
But I would never know what he wanted to say. Dr. Miller, the second, younger, female Dr. Miller, pushed through the swinging door and stepped into the waiting room. “She’s going to be okay,” she announced and I nearly crumpled to the floor after just standing to hear the news.
Nick caught me by the waist and anchored me in place. Dr. Miller smiled sympathetically at me and gestured for us to sit down again.
She walked over to us, her stubby heels clicking against the tiled floor. “She has two broken ribs and a broken toe. We had to give her stitches over her eye and on her side, but she’s going to make it.”
I mumbled something unintelligible so Nick took over and thanked her for us.
“We’ll need to keep her overnight for observation, but we might be able to send her home tomorrow. We’ll call you in the morning after we know more.”
Nick’s hand landed on my shoulder, squeezing it. “Can we see her?” he asked. “Just for a minute?”
“She’s still asleep from surgery,” Dr. Miller warned. “But you can see for yourself that she’s still alive. I know how scary losing a loved one is.”
I was sure she did. But the possibility of losing Annie felt like the absolute worst kind of pain. I couldn’t believe that anyone loved his or her pet as much as I did. Nobody else would feel it this acutely.
Nick grabbed my hand and pulled me after Dr. Miller. We followed her back to the post-op room where Annie was laid out on a metal table. Her fur had been cleaned everywhere and shaved where she needed stitches. Her middle was wrapped tightly. Her rounded chest moved up and down, stuttering a little in between her shallow breaths.
“It’s hard for her to breathe right now,” Dr. Miller explained. “But that will heal.”
Nick asked some logistical questions about home care while I walked to her side and gently trailed my fingertips over her plush ear. “Hi, baby girl,” I whispered. Tears sprang up in my eyes and fell before I could stop them. “I’m so sorry.” She made a whimpering noise and lifted her nose as if she could smell me. I spread my fingers out on her back and buried them in the thick softness of her fur.
Nick sidled up to me, pressing his chest into my side. He reached out and covered my hand with his. “You’re a tough one, Annie girl,” he murmured. “Small but fierce.”
The sincerity in his voice did something inside me. It felt like a wrecking ball as it crashed through my system, upheaving everything I thought I knew about life, love and living.
“You didn’t drive here, did you?” he asked me. His fingers moved over mine, stroking gently. I didn’t know if he was caressing Annie or me.
“Mrs. Dunn dropped me off.”
“Come on, then,” he murmured. His lips were right at my ear when he said, “I’ll give you a ride home.”
He took my hand and led me to the receptionist desk. I stood there dumbly while he filled out some paperwork and handed over his credit card. There was some small part of me that suggested I object to this. I should pay for this, right? I wasn’t even sure what exactly he was paying for.
I realized I didn’t have my wallet, though. I only had my cellphone and house keys. My purse was still at home.
Nick finished up with the receptionist and led me outside. The late afternoon had turned to dusky evening. The breeze had chilled again and the wet puddles of melted snow were starting to freeze.
I shivered against the change of weather. My jacket wasn’t enough to keep out the chill.
Nick noticed immediately, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and pulling me against his body. I loved the feel of his skin through his cotton shirt. I loved the hardness to his body, the lean muscle he worked so hard to keep. I loved that this was so familiar, that this was what I needed.
We reached his old Subaru Forester and I couldn’t help but smile. His car was even older than mine and had a bajillion miles on it. It was actually a decently reliable car, but it was just so old. He had always threatened that once it died for good, he was going to buy an old conversion van for the band.
Thank God it had never come to that while we were still together.
He opened the door for me and I climbed into the achingly familiar cab. I settled back in my seat and inhaled the scent that was his car, that was him, that was him in his car and years and years of memories.
He walked around the front and climbed in next to me. With a sly grin, he asked, “Did you miss her?”
I found myself smiling back. “I think I did.”
He looked forward again and started the car. The radio was on softly and he pointed to it, “This is a band I’m thinking about going to listen to.”
I sat quietly while the haunting sound filled the car. The girl had one of those instantly memorable voices, smoky, sexy and ethereal all at the same time. The instrumentation was incredibly good as well. There was something missing, though.
Nick noticed and said, “They need drums. And they need to grow up a little. But they’re good.”
“They are good,” I agreed.
I felt his eyes on me, but I couldn’t look at him. A sudden strong punch of sorrow hit my gut and I didn’t know how to recover from it.
I realized this was the only glimpse of Nick’s new life I would get. I gave him up. I gave this up. We would never talk music again. I wouldn’t get to go to shows with him anymore or listen to bands he wanted to go see. I wouldn’t get to hear him play his guitar or make up new lyrics to songs on the radio- usually about something dirty.
I wouldn’t get to see him live out this new leg of his life. I wouldn’t see him in his dream job or where it would take him. I would miss it all.