“How should I know? I just made that shit up.”
“I’m impressed.”
“Thanks! But if we’re honest, most of what I use is made up.”
“Wow, K. Summa cum laude from Northwestern is really coming in handy, huh?”
She let out a dramatic sigh, “I do what I can.” With a delicate throat clear she added, “And it was magna cum laude. I was off by three-tenths of a point.”
“My apologies.”
“You are forgiven.” Another pause. “Are you coming to school today?”
“No.”
“Mediation?”
“Yes.”
“This is your second sick day this week.”
“This one was planned.”
She made a tsking sound with her tongue and then said, “Give him hell.”
It was my turn to fidget nervously. I hadn’t told Kara any of the drama with Nick other than he had come to the vet when Annie got hit and taken me home. But I could tell she knew something went down. She had been giving me funny looks all week. I also knew she was holding her tongue for my sake, but part of me had wanted her to demand to know what went on.
I was dying to tell someone. I wanted to hear an outside opinion. I wanted her advice, her perspective, her curse words.
But I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. Instead of blurting out what had happened, I kept it locked tightly inside of me. I felt like I had to protect it… protect Nick. Even if Kara would have ended up on his side of the argument, I was reluctant to put our marriage, or what was left of it, on trial.
I was tired of other people’s opinions. I was tired of looking elsewhere for answers and ignoring the strong, still voice inside me.
I was sick and tired of dissecting every single thing that Nick did wrong and giving it to a jury of my peers to decide how to feel for me.
I needed to figure this out for myself. And fast.
When I didn’t respond to Kara, she backed off and said, “Or give him really polite, pleasant discussion.”
I laughed, despite the seriousness of my thoughts. “I’m honestly not sure what he’s going to get out of me today. I guess I’ll decide when I get there.”
She gasped, “You don’t mean the house? Not Annie. You really have lost your mind. Oh, my god, did you already call the witch doctor?”
“Stop,” I laughed. “You’re the crazy one. Not me.”
“I trust you, Kate. You know that I do. But this year has been emotionally draining for you. I just don’t want to see you get hurt because you’re tired. Promise me, you’ll be careful today… that you’ll think everything through? Even if it’s hard and you don’t feel up to it?”
Now those were some words I could live by. “I promise.” And I meant it. I would do exactly as she asked. “Thanks for being such a good friend.”
“Mwah! Love you. Good luck today.”
“Thanks. Love you too.”
We disconnected and I felt marginally better.
Marginally.
As in just barely.
Most of me was still a pile of nerves and sweating pits.
I had taken the day off because I was tired of rushing into mediation after school and I was tired of mediation affecting my teaching and thoughts and general motor functions all day long.
So today I took it easy. Annie still needed twenty-four-hour care, so she had spent the last couple days with my parents while I taught. I was going to pick her up after mediation today and keep her for the weekend.
For all of their faults, my parents were really good with her. I knew she was in good hands and they were surprisingly good-willed about keeping her for me.
I hadn’t told Nick about it because I wasn’t quite sure what he would have said.
Just kidding, I was terrified he would demand to keep her.
And also, I was just terrified of talking to him.
So I didn’t.
And he hadn’t tried to reach out to me.
It stung a little that he hadn’t called or stopped by. Okay, more than a little. It hurt deeply. I was embarrassed and heartbroken and a million other things I didn’t even want to name. But I also knew that it wasn’t his responsibility to forever chase after me.
As much as I wanted to be chased.
He was right; I had to figure this out.
I had to decide what I wanted. And in the meantime I had to go to mediation and fight with him over who gets the dog.
What had I done to my life?
Mediation was scheduled for early afternoon, so I took the morning to laze around the house. I ate breakfast, an actual breakfast. Not just coffee. I actually made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I took my time getting ready, dressed carefully, paid attention to my makeup and hair. It wasn’t that I was trying to impress Nick more than usual; I just never had this much time in the morning.
Usually I was a whirlwind of the fastest blow dry in the history of hair, a quick brush of foundation and some swipes of mascara before I jabbed earrings in, slipped on work-appropriate clothes and grabbed coffee on my sprint through the door.
This morning I sipped coffee on my couch while watching the Today Show and got ready without stress. I made sure all of my hair dried and I added bronzer and blush to my makeup routine.
So basically I was almost late for mediation because it took so long to get ready.
My official prognosis? Being a woman was officially the worst.
There were way too many steps to just looking halfway decent. Men had it so easy.
Mediation was back at Ryan Templeton’s office. Mr. Cavanaugh had hosted the last failed session in his smaller office tucked away on the outskirts of the city proper. It had been a stark deviation from the expensive, swanky suites in the heart of downtown, but I had felt more at ease there. I hadn’t minded the faded furniture or scuffed conference table.
Mr. Cavanaugh had offered coffee and pastries. I’d had two. Ryan Templeton offered expensive bottled water and no snacks. These offices were meant to impress… meant to intimidate.
And they did that in spades.
I checked in with the security guard and walked slowly to the elevator. I felt nervous energy gaining momentum and I wasn’t quite sure what would come of it. I had no idea what I was thinking or what I would say upstairs. My mind was a tornado of confusion. Spinning and spinning and spinning.
To add paranoia to my already agitated nerves, this session felt final for some reason. I couldn’t shake the feeling that whatever we decided or said here would be permanent and lasting.
I felt equal parts sick to my stomach and anxious. I leaned against the back wall of the empty elevator and closed my eyes. My arms were crossed over my chest, holding my body in a tightened cocoon of protection. I couldn’t relax or I would fall apart. I had to physically hold myself together or I would splinter into a thousand unfixable pieces.
Someone else entered the elevator before the doors could shut and my eyes popped open, surprised and not surprised at the same time.
Nick.
I could sense his presence before I saw him. It was something in his energy that was inexplicably tied to mine. I felt him in the atmosphere, in the very atoms dancing in the air around us. I could smell him. Feel the heat of his body even from several feet apart.
Okay, maybe not in the real sense of the word, but I knew the feel so intimately that I could easily imagine the sensation of his body heat warming me, pressing into my skin, turning everything inside me into molten lava.
“Nick,” I whispered, unable to stop myself.
He didn’t turn around. He didn’t acknowledge me. He stood near the doors, his finger retracting from the buttons. “You forgot to push for the floor.”
I nibbled my bottom lip and shook myself. I was a mess.
“Thanks,” I mumbled weakly.
The elevator started with a jerk and began the ascent to the eleventh floor. I held my breath for as long as I could, then let it out with a forced puff of air.
I watched Nick’s back with fascinated awe, wondering how to engage him. His spine was absolutely straight. His shoulders were taut with tension and from the view of his profile that he gave me I could see his jaw flex and release.