I struggled to swallow and smooth out my trembling voice. It didn’t help. “I surrender, Nick. To this.” I waved my hand between us. “To us. To you.”
Just as abruptly as he had leaned back, he shot forward and placed one palm on the shiny conference table. “You’re doing this now?”
Fear boiled inside me, superheating my insides, making me feel wobbly and off balance. But I had to get this out. I had to say this or I would hate myself for the rest of my life. “I don’t want a divorce.”
Mr. Cavanaugh jumped in, hoping to rescue me. “Ms. Carter, I think you should take a minute to think about this.”
I shook my head, acknowledging him, but not wanting to waste time to address him. “Nick, I was wrong. I was so wrong.”
“You can’t do this now.” He sounded pained, shocked and beyond confused. “Just the other night-”
“I’m not asking anything from you. I… I don’t even really know if I want anything from you. I just… I just can’t do this. I can’t go through with this. I’m sorry.”
“For what?” His words were a punch through the air.
Confusion roiled through me and I thought I would be sick. More tears spilled over and a shuddering sob racked my chest. I fumbled for my purse somewhere on the floor.
“For what?” Nick demanded. He stood up. His voice grew louder, commanding, desperate. “Katie, for what?”
I glanced wildly around the room, my eyes bouncing from his lawyer to mine, then out the window at the traffic far below.
“For this,” I whispered. “For all of it. For everything.”
Nick fell back in his chair, defeated and out of breath. I was his opposite- like usual. I jumped to my feet and for the second time since we began mediation, I fled the room.
I nodded once to Ryan Templeton, then turned to Mr. Cavanaugh. “I’m sorry for wasting your time, Mr. Cavanaugh.”
My feet stumbled over themselves as I raced out of the room. I needed fresh air. I needed to find a dark place so I could curl into the fetal position and rock myself into a stupor.
I needed so much tequila.
Like all the tequila.
A hand caught me just as I reached the elevator. For a fast second, my lungs filled with breath and hope zinged through me. But when I turned around and found that it was Mr. Cavanaugh and not Nick, my entire spirit crumpled.
“Ms. Carter… Kate, are you sure about this? Are you sure this is what you want? Because if you leave today, we are basically giving up our position. It will be much harder to argue in your favor.”
“I’m so sorry,” I sniffled. “But I’m sure. I’m positive. I can’t… I can’t do this.”
“Well, if you’re sure.”
“I am.”
His expression softened and some of his frightened concern receded. “If it helps any, I don’t think he wanted the divorce any more than you did.”
I shrugged helplessly. My chin trembled too violently for me to respond. I didn’t know if it helped or not. I didn’t know if it was true or not. I didn’t know what to say.
Seeing that I couldn’t speak anymore, he patted my shoulder with his hand and gave me a sad smile. “Good luck, Kate. I hope it works out for you.”
“Me too,” I whispered, even while I knew I didn’t deserve for it to work out. Even while I knew it probably wouldn’t.
I stepped into the elevator and he let me go down alone. I was thankful for that. I was thankful for him. As far as divorce lawyers went, he was one of the good ones.
Not that I knew very many.
The elevator doors closed behind me and took me to the ground floor. I left the building, walked to my car and got inside.
I drove home. I walked inside my house. I collapsed on my couch and I started to cry.
I didn’t stop for a very long time.
Nick never came after me.
Chapter Twenty-Four
31. I love him.
My mom called later in the day. She wanted to know how mediation went. She wanted me to get the dog.
I didn’t want to move for the next forty years.
“How did it go?” she asked impatiently.
“Not well.”
“Are you divorced?” Her tone was panicked and concerned. She rarely sounded panicked or concerned. “Is it final?”
I sniffled. “No. No, it’s not final.” I didn’t explain to her that we couldn’t have finalized it in mediation. That there were more steps to it than this. It didn’t matter now because if I had any say about it, I would never take those steps. Nick would have to go on living his life forever anchored to me. I would be the ball and chain that never let him move on.
He’d have to become a polygamist if he wanted to get married again.
Oh, god, what if he wanted to get married again?
I collapsed back to my side and let out a high-pitched whimper. “Kate? Katherine? What’s wrong? What happened?”
“I couldn’t go through with it,” I cried.
“Go through with what?” Her patience had run out. She had started shrieking.
“The divorce, Mom! I couldn’t go through with the divorce!”
“Oh.” Her tone evened out and she sounded obnoxiously pleased. “Well, that’s a good thing.”
I started crying harder. It wasn’t a good thing if Nick still wanted one.
“Oh, Kate,” she sighed. “It’s going to be okay. Everything is going to work out.”
She had never said that before. Not once since I told her Nick and I were going to end things.
“How do you know?” I croaked.
“Because you love each other. Because you went through some hard times, but you’ve never stopped loving each other.”
Ladies and gentlemen, my mother, the closet romantic.
I propped myself up on my elbow. Some of my tears dried and I took a steadying breath. “He didn’t say he didn’t want to end the divorce. He might still want one.”
“He doesn’t,” she said confidently.
“How do you know?”
She sighed again, only this time I could hear the smile in her voice. “Because he’s a good man, honey. He’s a good man that loves you.”
“I thought you hated him?”
“Katherine Claire, I am your mother. I always want what’s best for you. I suppose we were a little harsh with Nick because… well, because I didn’t think he was giving you the life you deserved. But when you left him, I realized I was wrong.” She cleared her throat while my entire world tipped on its axis. Did my mother just say she was wrong? Had I prayed a little too hard for that zombie apocalypse? “In comparison to your life of loneliness, he was the best thing for you. No matter what his profession.”
I let the passive aggressive digs slide and said honestly, “Thanks, mom.”
“I love you, Kate.”
“I love you too.” I sat up fully and added, “I can’t come to dinner every Sunday though. It’s too much. I love you and dad, but I can only make it once a month.”
“Twice.”
“What?”
“Come twice a month and I won’t bug you about it again.”
“Okay,” I laughed. “I’ll come twice.”
“We can keep the dog another night, too. Your father has grown really attached. I think I’m going to have to buy him one by the end of it.”
I blamed my heartbroken exhaustion, but nothing she was saying was making sense. “Buy him what?”
“A dog,” she muttered. “Like this one. I might have to hit it with my car too just so he can feel needed.”
“Who?”
“Your father, Kate. Keep up! He won’t watch TV anymore unless the dog is curled up on his lap. It’s ridiculous. You should see the way he babies it! You’ll help me find the right breed, won’t you?”
Feeling sufficiently exhausted and completely weirded out, I nodded. Then I realized she couldn’t see me and so I said, “Oh, okay. If you think he really wants one.”
My dad had never loved anything in his life. Not even me! Okay, that wasn’t true. But small animals were definitely not on his short list. They ranked right under traffic for things he could not tolerate.