This was the culmination of a rather amusing incident. I had witnessed the seemingly insignificant event that had led to this case, and I feel it is worthwhile to relate it in all its details.
There is a proverb that might best explain the mishap—“What the sober man retains—the drunkard reveals.” Being drunk, the defendants just spoke what they had thought, and what they thought was not in accordance with the Party line.
Since the start of collectivization, the necessities of life had almost completely disappeared from the shelves of the village store. Kerosene, matches, salt, and other common goods had become scarce. It had been announced one Sunday that a supply of herrings had arrived at the store, and that each person would be allotted one pound. Therefore, on that Sunday, a long line stretched along the square in front of the store. Petro Zinchenko, one of the defendants, wanted to buy his ration of herring. He was an honest and hard-working man, but he had the reputation of being a Sunday drunkard. Aside from this one weakness, he was a likeable and intelligent man. This Sunday, like every Sunday, he was drunk.
“Listen, Kitty,” he said to a young woman standing in the line close to the store door, “if you let me stand ahead of you, our wedding will be held right after we buy our herring.”
The young lady dissented.
“Well, I understand,” Petro continued. “You don’t want to marry me without the Church’s blessing.” He pointed toward the ruined church cupolas. “We’ll be married there, in the church… under the portrait of our dear and wise leader and teacher, Comrade—”
“Shut up, you ass!” she shouted. And, of course, she did not let him take the place in front of her.
But Petro was not discouraged. He changed his tone and disguised his voice so cleverly that it sounded like that of Comrade Cherepin.
“Hey, you—enemy of the people!” he said to the young woman, “Who gave you the right to stand in the herring line ahead of a hero and invalid of the Revolution, and a member of the Komnezam?”
Her answer was still no.
The situation became embarrassing. Petro’s joking used to evoke laughter from the people. He was more witty than ever now. His imitation of Comrade Cherepin was expert. However, this time no one dared to laugh. He was openly ridiculing the Soviet regime, and everyone feared the presence of secret agents.
“Comrade enemy,” he continued, addressing the same lady, “in the name of our beloved Communist Party and dear government, I arrest you for refusing to cooperate with a hero of the proletarian revolution in his quest for a quick purchase of his ration of herring granted him by this same beloved Party and government.”
The woman did not cooperate with him. But Petro, still in a joking mood, shifted his attention to another woman, an older one.
“Look, Granny, did you see that?” he asked, pointing at the younger woman. “I helped build this Communist paradise complete with its annual herring sale, and she—she won’t even let me buy the herring before she does; may I stay in front of you?”
But Petro had no better luck. The older woman was not exactly in a joking mood either.
“You’ve got your paradise. Away with you!” she mumbled.
“What?” shouted the surprised Petro.
“I meant,” shouted the woman, “that as long as you wanted this paradise, you’ve got it. Enjoy it! The end of the line is back there.”
Petro jumped closer to the older woman.
“My dear,” he exclaimed, “for years I’ve been looking for an angel in this paradise, and I’ve finally found her, in the herring line of all places!”
As the older woman struggled against Petro’s attempt to kiss her, another drunkard weaved his way toward the line, swinging his arms and singing loudly.
He was middle-aged, and like Petro, was known for his wit. His name was Antin. He had been a Communist partisan during the Civil War. He also had the reputation of being an educated man; we all knew that he could read and write.
Petro left the old lady and went to meet Antin.
“Ah,” he shouted to Antin, “birds of a feather flock together! Long live the drunkards of paradise!”
“Hurrah!” shouted Antin, embracing his friend Petro.
“Long live the herring eaters!” Petro responded with a long hurrah.
“Listen, Comrade-Sir,” started Antin, “you are a bourgeois-capitalist-counterrevolutionary-imperialist shark…”
“Thanks,” replied Petro. “Thanks for the honor.”
“You want to buy a herring, don’t you?” continued Antin. “And isn’t that a counterrevolutionary desire?”
Petro laughed and then took his turn.
“You’re an old, skinny, dirty pig, Antin. You are even more than a pig; you are an enemy of the people. The worst and skinniest enemy I ever saw in my whole long drunken life!”
“The honor is mine,” answered Antin.
“How dare you come to the annual herring sale like this?” Petro continued, gesturing toward Antin. “How could you come to the public place with such dirty trousers on your socialist legs?”
The old man smilingly fingered the holes in his trousers.
“I ask you, is it permissible in the socialist paradise, under the leadership of our dear and beloved, our wise and almighty, our teacher and leader, great Comrade…”
“Shut up, you stinking rat! I feel like vomiting!” shouted Antin.
“That’s exactly what I mean, continued Petro. You feel like vomiting when I speak about our dear and beloved…”
“I’ll kill you!” Antin raved.
Petro wished to mention this leader by name, modified by the adjectives which the propagandists used for Stalin. A vigorous protest from Antin did not stop him.
“You’d better give me a direct answer about your trousers,” Petro demanded. “How is it possible for you to expose your socialist bony knees to the public, as if you were a peasant of a capitalist country?”
“You are wrong, Comrade Red Partisan,”[17] Antin said. “My trousers are neither dirty nor torn. It’s a new fashion.”
“Aren’t they lovely?” Petro continued. “And you mean those holes aren’t holes?”
“That’s right, comrade-sir, they aren’t holes,” Antin answered. “They are just delicate openings for ventilation.”
Petro sighed. “Do the creators of this fashion have this kind of ventilation also?” he asked.
“I’m not sure about their trousers, only their heads.”
The two men, weary of their dialogue, returned their attention to the herring line. Petro, again imitating Comrade Cherepin, shouted:
“Comrades, my compatriots! From now on, comrades, you are entitled to receive an annual ration of one whole herring! We’ll call it the Red Herring, for those of you, comrades, who won’t be able to consume the ration yourself will be urged to deliver the surplus to our dear Party and government, which will then distribute them among the starving laboring people of the capitalist countries. Comrades, join our socialist competition for the collecting of surplus herrings for the laboring classes of the capitalist world.”
There was no laughter in the crowd during or after his herring speech. The people, aware of the danger, turned their backs on Petro.
Seeing that his humor no longer had any effect on the people, Petro enlisted Antin in a new mode of entertainment, dancing and singing.
They sang the new anti-Communist folksongs created by the villagers themselves during collectivization. They sang a few more of them before realizing their failure to cheer the people, and finally elbowed their way through the line singing:
17
A Red Partisan was a participant in the Communist partisan (guerrilla) warfare during the Civil War of 1918–1921. This title became synonymous with being a Soviet patriot, and, as such, it secured all kinds of privileges for its bearer.