“It happens more often than it doesn’t; people are talking, two people talking about whatever, and a third person walks in, says something that gets the attention of one of the other two, maybe both of them, and then it changes the dynamic of the whole conversation.
“I see it all the time. It’s like there’s a pattern to how people talk. And if you look at the pattern, it makes all the information that fits into that pattern kind of, well, lame. I think it kind of makes almost everything that happens between when a person says hello and good-bye kind of predictable.
“You know what I mean?
“It’s just that I think it’s all filler.
“It’s like a song you buy on a whim because it’s recommended to you and you listen to the whole thing expecting it to be better but it’s not as good as you thought.
“That’s what most conversations end up being, I think.
“I’ve listened to so much music I don’t like, just because it’s there, and it’s too hard to get up and find the right music.
“I don’t know. I really don’t know. I don’t know what I’m going to do now. What do you think?
“It’s a wreck, huh? I know. No one cares about the place where the party is; they trash it with beer bottles and cups and food everywhere. I don’t remember anyone buying pizza but there’s a slice of pizza facedown on the kitchen tile. I take one look at all of this and I get tired.
“This is rude, right?
“I mean, you aren’t human but you have to think this is rude. The word ‘rude’ makes sense to you, right?
“Yeah.
“It is rude.”
Ugh.
I don’t know where to start.
“I think I’ll just sit here in this corner for a while. Parents won’t be back until the end of the weekend. Or whatever. They could be back already, it wouldn’t matter much. I’m still sitting in the corner of a room, cleaning up after other people.
“No, they aren’t back.
“What time is it?
“I’m not tired. Not anymore.
“Think I should just leave everything this way?
“Yeah… I should.
“What is Dad really going to do? Mom’s just going to think that I’m sick or something. I’m not sick. You know that. I know that.
“I’ll be fine. No problem.
“And even if it ended up becoming a problem, I could definitely get by. I know how my parents think. Even if I didn’t, I’m good at playing the right part of a conversation. It’s like you can talk your way out of anything. Just say something that doesn’t let the other person say anything in response.
“You can be, I don’t know, talking about a test.
“Yeah, let’s say we’re talking about a test. It’s you and me, we’re talking about what answers we got. Comparing notes, basically. I wouldn’t really be as confident about my answers, so I probably wouldn’t have remembered them. So you would be the one asking and directing the conversation. I’ve noticed that most conversations have one person really aggressive, talking more, and another who’s reacting more than talking. Words are said but both people usually don’t stay at the same level. Really good conversation is different. I think it’s when two people get along and they just can’t stop talking so it keeps going, and the conversation goes back and forth but both are aggressive. Both are talking just as much. I can’t remember the last time that happened. Most of the time it’s one person and everyone else reacting.
“Same thing, just different size.
“You’d be talking about the answers.
“I’d be like, ‘Yeah, I think I got that one right.’ But see, I wouldn’t be sure. I’d be either confused or just not that interested in the discussion. Maybe worried, because if I failed, I’d be pretty certain that the answers you got weren’t the ones I got.
“That’s how most of the conversation would go. You talking more and leading the direction — what is talked about and when — and I just kind of fill in the gaps with reactions, with replies. That’s how the conversation would go. It’s the typical kind of conversation. It’s why I can just say something and people either will notice or not — it’s up to what I say, how much of it is just agreement and how much of it is actually statement. If you disagree, it’s just fuel for the aggressive one to keep going and going and going…
“Thinking about this”—oh, man—“it’s getting me worked up.”
Maybe I’ll — I don’t know.
What do I do?
Am I really going to clean?
Hmm.
Do I go upstairs?
Do I grab my laptop and go online?
Do I go to sleep?
Do I at least try to sleep?
“What do you think? Think I should go online? Yeah?”
Hmm.
“What time is it? Yeah, I think I’ll check online. See what’s up.”
I go upstairs, find the laptop where I left it, plugged in and charged, resting on my unmade bed. I don’t bother making the bed, not when I’m under the covers 100 percent of the time I’m in my room. Jesus, it’s cold. I hold back that shiver like it might be an insult to H, run back downstairs with the laptop, because why not?
It’s warmer downstairs.
“Let’s get rid of this fast-food garbage. They just left it on the couch, beautiful.”
And… let’s…
Watch videos.
“It’s like opening a gateway of content when you sign in. There’s always new uploads. New stuff.
“Huh?
“I haven’t…
“What is this? I’ve never heard of this kind of thing before.
“ASMR?
“I don’t remember subscribing to this guy’s channel. Damn, he has a lot of these ASMR videos.
“What does ASMR stand for? It’s an acronym, right?”
I’ll look it up. Yeah. First search result, boom: It’s an acronym. It’s an acronym for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. I could read more about it, but the first line says as much as I need to know. This stuff is supposed to calm you down. Soothing voice and stuff.
I like that.
I need that right now.
“I think I’ll… click on the one here.”
It’s a red-haired woman with really, really bright blue eyes. She gazes at the camera in a way that makes me not want to look away. She speaks in a low, breathy whisper.
“I think they manipulated the sound or something… everything seems really close. Like she’s…” I’m looking for the right words. “Yeah, that’s it — like she’s whispering right into my ear.”
It really does work though.
The more I watch this, the calmer I am.
The calmer I am, the more aware I am of what’s going on. I’m curious about how I’ve gotten so used to the symptoms now. I’m so used to them that I can’t imagine what it would be like to literally be alone. I’m so used to them that I always dress in layers. I’m so used to them that I’ve been online twice as much because there’s nothing else left in my room except for clothes, furniture, and this laptop.
And then I kind of just stop thinking at all.
“This is really working…”
And I sit here, watching the entire twenty-minute video.
During it, I can’t help but think that you are watching it too.
When it’s done, I yawn.
“That’s really great. It works. I think I’m going to… subscribe to more ASMR videos.”
I do that, clicking around, subscribing to the more popular ones, the ones that also have a bunch of collections videos where they talk about various things they collect. There’s one channel that has a bunch of videos of a guy who just repeats words over and over again.