This happens and that happens, but it’s just another day at school until we get to that part of the day. It’s actually not that weird, what’s been happening to me. Not anymore.
It’s kind of magical, like I’m just watching it again for the second time. The second time, it’s very different. This time I see it with my own eyes. I have a horrible headache but it’s like I’m using the pain as motivation. It’s like you’re the one moving the body while I keep busy with the conversation.
Sure enough she walks up to me around fourth period, just before lunch, and she tells me, “I got us the day off!”
Say it like this: “What?” Almost like I’m stuttering, in shock, but really I’m already aware of what’s happening.
I’m holding on to a deadly secret.
We’re holding on to the secret. She won’t know what hit her.
“Wow, you’re looking better today,” Becca says.
I’m grinning wide for obvious reasons.
I nod and say, “It’s a beautiful day.”
Becca agrees. “Like, you have no idea. I actually got Halverson to let us out early, on the fact that you’re not feeling well. I’ve planned our entire day. Food, some sun, fun, and all that.”
“Is that so?”
“Yup!” Becca being Becca.
You have no idea what I’m about to say.
“Oh, and I want you to see another priest too. You’re not looking good, Hunter. Better today, true, but I’m worrying about you constantly and I just can’t let that happen.”
Of course you can’t let that happen.
People are starting to form a crowd. It’s because of what H is doing. H is making it so that they can’t help but stop and watch. Becca notices this and gives this one person a really mean look.
Then I realize this is it. This is the moment. Do it now or never do it at all. But the latter isn’t even a choice. It’s like you’re telling me that it’ll be okay.
First line is “Listen…”
But of course Becca isn’t listening. She’s looking around at the people circling us, all confused.
Now you know how I’ve felt most times. I used to be confused but that’s changed. I know now what I need to do to get things going on the right track.
Next line is “We have to talk.”
That’ll get her attention.
Yeah, it does. Now it’s a real scene.
Becca, do you know?
“What are you, like, talking about?” she asks.
You do, you know what this is about.
Maybe she’s even surprised that it’s taken this long for us to actually have an argument.
Then you kind of take over from here. You say the next line: “This isn’t working out.”
And the next line too: “You and I have nothing in common.”
I’m still the one who’s saying everything, but you’re helping me line up the words, the lines, in a way that makes this feel as dramatic as possible for Becca and everyone else watching.
But we couldn’t be any further from this day. Moment’s a blur but we’re having a good buzz.
“I’m tired of being treated like a child.”
That’s a good one. That line makes everyone around Becca and me gasp.
She puts up her side of the fight, meaning it’s the tears, and her saying sorry and all of that stuff.
I can see that it could be easy to break down too. It could be easy to trade her tears with my own. But instead of crying, I end up laughing at the thought. We’re graduating so soon — why does she even care?
It’s kind of funny, if you think about it.
Becca doesn’t find it funny. Everyone else thinks this is serious.
Becca and Hunter are breaking up! Fresh gossip for the grapevine.
More people crowd around us.
The next line is actually a long list of things I can’t stand about her. It’s like you’re telling me to just let it all out: You’ll feel better later. Let it all out. Tell her how she’s ruined the relationship. Tell her how it really wasn’t much of a relationship to begin with. Tell her that it all goes down the drain the same way. Tell her that you don’t actually know what that means, but then save that line by saying that it’s a metaphor for everything that doesn’t make sense about the relationship. Tell her that she never saw you as anything more than something who helps her get her way. Tell her about that one time you almost cheated on her. Don’t mention what actually happened between you and Nikki, but use it as an example of how miserable she makes you feel.
Go on and on until it makes sense that she’s in tears.
She apologizes and says, “We’ve been through so much. I’ve invested too much in us to just let it fall apart now!”
That’s enough to take it home with the one line that’s left:
“We’re finished.”
Now it’s a dramatic end where I’m looking around at everyone who’s watching. I don’t care about what they think. I don’t care that they’re looking at me like I’ve gone insane. I don’t care at all.
I don’t care that Becca is trying to hug me, trying to save it. She’ll understand it better later. But she’ll never understand me.
No one here really gets why I’m breaking up with her.
Later, when I’m at lunch, Brad will act like it was a surprise. He’ll say things like, “Damn, bro, all those years just wasted.” Never mind that he was the one who told me to break up with her way back when. Never mind that. He just forgot. It was probably just something to say at the time.
There it goes, forgotten. But Becca won’t forget this. I won’t either.
I look around at the faces, not knowing any of them. I pick out Blaire in the crowd. I wave to her, all happy that I finally did it. I broke up with her!
But Blaire looks at me like I’m someone else.
I’m waiting for you to tell me why.
I’m waiting for you to say something like I know you can.
But you wait until I leave school for the day. You wait until I’m unexpectedly driving back down that dirt road, getting out of the car, leaving it running. You wait until I’m running through that field, ignoring all the people there skipping school, drinking, and giving me looks when they see me show up, like I just popped up out of nowhere. You wait until I see the black crown, the darkened tunnel, and you wait until I run it again, this time without any hesitation. I just run down that tunnel, not at all worried that it might not have an end. You wait until I’m breaking a sweat, and with the sweat, I lose everything that might have been close to being an explanation.
I don’t need an explanation.
I don’t need to know why.
But as I run, you wait until I realize that I’m nowhere closer to the end than I was at the beginning.
You change the sound of my voice, making it more monotone.
More than that, you get me to turn and look, and I see that I’m only a few steps from the entrance.
Then, only then, do I hear you speak.
You say, “There’s an end to the tunnel and I’m going to show you.”
I’m the one who’s speaking.
Somehow that makes complete sense.
It makes sense now when before it didn’t. I’m not looking for symptoms and I’m not thinking about how you’re nearby.
It’s because you’re right here.
I hold up my hands, look at my palms.
You are here.
Right here where I’m standing.
I don’t think about what everyone’s been saying, their worried looks and all of them talking about me like I’m losing. I don’t think I’ve lost anything. I think I’ve found it.
I’ve figured it out.
I’ve found the end of Falter Kingdom.
You’re showing me, telling me it’s not that far at all. So when I start running again, you’re the one that’s running for me.
“Just keep running,” you say.