Until this moment Erast Fandorin had been listening with lively interest, even blushing a gentle pink in his pleasure, and for the time being he had stopped shivering, but at the word ‘whelp’ he scowled and hiccuped twice angrily.
“Don’t go taking offense—I mean it in friendship,” said Zurov, and slapped him on the shoulder. “Anyway, what I thought was: fate has sent him to me. Amalia is bound to go for someone like him. She’ll like the look of what she sees so much that she’ll be hooked. And that will be the end of it—I’ll be free of this satanic compulsion once and for all. She’ll leave me in peace, stop tormenting me and leading me around on a chain like a bear at a fairground. Let her bait the boy with those Egyptian tortures of hers. So I gave you the end of the thread; I knew you wouldn’t renounce your quest…Here, put this cloak over you and take a sip from this flask. You’ll hiccup yourself to death.”
While Fandorin, with his teeth chattering all the while, gulped down the Jamaican rum that splashed around on the bottom of the large flat flask, Hippolyte threw his dandified cloak with the crimson satin lining over Fandorin’s shoulders and then briskly rolled Pyzhov’s corpse to the edge of the quay with his feet, tumbled it over the curb, and shoved it into the water. A single muffled splash, and all that remained of the iniquitous provincial secretary was a dark puddle on a flagstone.
“Lord, have mercy on the soul of Thy servant whoever he was,” Zurov prayed piously.
“Py-pyzhov,” said Erast Fandorin, hiccuping again, although thanks to the rum at least his teeth were no longer chattering. “Porfirii Martynovich Pyzhov.”
“I won’t remember it anyway,” said Hippolyte with a careless shrug of his shoulder. “To hell with him. The half-pint was a rotten lot as far as I can see. Attacking an unarmed man with a pistol—pah! You know, he was going to kill you, Erasmus. As a matter of fact, I saved your life. Do you realize that?”
“I realize, I realize. Carry on with your story.”
“Carry on I will then. I gave you Amalia’s address, and the next day I was plunged into such depression—such a deep depression, as God forbid you should ever know. I drank, and I went to the girls, and I threw away fifty thousand at the card table—and still it wouldn’t let go of me. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. I could drink all right, though. I kept seeing you lovey-doveying with Amalia and both of you laughing at me. Or, even worse, forgetting about me completely. I pined like that for ten whole days. I felt like I was losing my mind. You remember Jean, my manservant? He’s in the hospital now. He tried to remonstrate with me, shoved his nose in, and I put his nose out of joint and broke two of his ribs. I was ashamed, brother Fandorin. It was as if I were in a raging fever. On the eleventh day I couldn’t take any more of it. I decided, that’s it, I’ll kill them both and afterward I’ll do away with myself. Nothing could be worse than this. So help me God, I can’t remember how I traveled across Europe. I was drinking like a Kara Kum camel. When we were traveling through Germany I even threw a couple of Prussians out of the carriage. But I can’t actually remember it. Perhaps I imagined it. When I recovered my wits I was in London. The first thing I did was go to the hotel. Not a trace of her or of you. The hotel’s a godforsaken hole. Amalia’s never stayed in places like that in all her life. The sly rogue of a porter doesn’t have a word of French, and the only English I know is ‘bottul viskey’ and ‘moov yoor ass’—a midshipman I used to know taught me that. It means give me a bottle of the strong stuff and look sharp about it. I asked that porter, the English shrimp, about Miss Olsen, and he jabbered something in his own lingo and shook his head and pointed somewhere backward, as if to say she’s gone, but he doesn’t know where. Then I took a stab at you: ‘Fandorin, I say, Fandorin, moov yoor ass.’ And then—mind you don’t take offense, now—he opened his eyes wide in amazement. Your name obviously means something indecent in English. Anyway, the flunky and I failed to reach a mutual understanding. There was nothing else for it, so I moved into that fleapit and stayed there. The schedule was, in the morning I go to the porter and I ask: ‘Fandorin?’ He bows and says ‘Moning, sya’—telling me you haven’t arrived yet. Then I go across the street to the tavern where I have my observation post. What hellish boredom, those miserable mugs all around me. It’s a good thing I at least have my ‘bottul viskey’ and ‘moov yoor ass’ to help me out. At first the tavernkeeper just gawped at me, then he got used to it and started greeting me like a member of the family. His trade was livelier because of me: people gathered to watch me swigging spirits by the glassful. But they were afraid to come close—they watched from a distance…I learned some new words: ‘djin’—that’s juniper vodka, ‘ram’—that’s rum, ‘brendy’—that’s a wretched kind of cognac. Well, anyway, I would have stayed sitting at my observation post until I drank myself into a stupor, but on the fourth day, Allah be praised, you arrived. And you arrived looking like a real dandy, in a big shiny carriage, with a mustache. By the way, it’s a shame you shaved it off, it makes you look more of a sport. Fancy that, I think, you cock of the walk, you’ve spread your fine tail now. Only now instead of ‘Miss Olsen’ you’ll get short shift for your pains! But that hotel twerp sang a different song for you, so I decided I’d lie low and wait until you put me on the scent and then see how the cards lay. I crept ‘round the streets after you like some sleuth from the detective police. Pshaw! I was at my wits’ end. I saw you agree terms with a cabdriver and so I took measures of my own. I took a horse from the stable and wrapped its hooves in towels from the hotel to stop them clattering too loudly. The Chechens do that when they’re preparing for a raid. Not that they use hotel towels, I mean—they use some other kind of rags. You understand me?”
Erast Fandorin remembered the night before last. He had been so afraid of losing sight of Morbid that he had not given a thought to looking behind him, but now it appeared that the shadower had been shadowed.
“When you climbed in through her window, a volcano started bubbling up inside me,” Hippolyte continued. “I bit my hand until it bled. Here, look.” He thrust his strong, well-proportioned hand under Fandorin’s nose, and indeed, there between the thumb and the forefinger was the perfect half-moon mark of a bite. “That’s it, I said to myself, now three souls will go flying off at once—one to heaven (I meant you) and two straight to hell…You dithered a little bit by the window until you summoned up enough impudence to climb in. My last hope then was that she might throw you out. She doesn’t like being taken unawares like that—prefers to order everyone else around herself. I wait, and I’m shaking in my boots. Suddenly the light goes out, there’s a shot, and she screams! Oh, I think, Fandorin’s shot her, the hothead. Landed himself in a fine mess, a fine pickle! And then suddenly, brother Fandorin, I felt so miserable, as if I were completely alone in the whole wide world and there was no point in going on living…I knew she would come to a bad end, I wanted to do away with her myself, but even so…You saw me, didn’t you, when you went running past? But I was frozen, just as if I were paralyzed. I didn’t even call out to you. It was as if I were surrounded by a haze…Then very queer things started happening, every one queerer than the last. First of all, it became clear that Amalia was alive. You must have shot wide in the darkness. She was howling and cursing the servants so loudly that the walls shook. She was giving some orders or other in English. The lackeys were running around in circles, poking about in the garden. I hopped into the bushes and lay low. My head was full of the most terrible muddle. I felt like the dummy in a game of preference. Everybody’s making their bids, and I’m just sitting there with the discards. Oh no, I think, you’ve got the wrong man. Zurov’s never been anybody’s duffer. There’s a little boarded-up hut in the garden, about the size of two dog kennels. I rip the plank off it and hide inside. It’s not the first time I’ve had to do that kind of thing. I observed events, kept a sharp eye out, pricked up my ears. A satyr lying in wait for Psyche. And meanwhile they’re kicking up a real rumpus! Just like at corps HQ before an imperial inspection. The servants come dashing out of the house, then dash back in again. Amalia shouts something every now and then. There are postmen bringing telegrams. I can’t make sense of it all—what kind of rumpus has my Erasmus started in there? He seems such a well-mannered young man, too. What did you do to her, eh? Did you spot a lily on her shoulder, or what? She hasn’t got any lily, not on her shoulder or anywhere else. Well, tell me. Don’t tease.”