LUCK: 27
Zaena Morozon Level 17 Brawler Assassin
HP: 580/610
ATK: 180
MATK: 8
DEF: 98
MDF: 34
LUCK: 14
A new group approaches – a Warrior, a Brawler, and a Rogue – and Ryuk thinks, more fickboys, after he sees that the three are all below level seven. Two thoughts race through him at this point: one, he doesn’t like being cocky so he feels a bit guilty for that; two, he actually thought in Hiccup’s bawdy patois.
“Yoo-hoo, boys, it’s your mothers’ favorite goblin treat.” He does a little curtsy and lets loose a squeaker. “One on three? I call those good odds! Whoever dies first gets a tomahawk in the ass!” He brandishes a comically small tomahawk, no longer than an unsharpened pencil. “Bring it, you fickwads!”
Ryuk doesn’t pay much attention to their stats. At their levels, there is no way they’ll be able to take down the Mitherfickers, especially with their artillery disadvantage. He aims his marble gun at the sweet spot and, like the battle before, he waits for Hiccup to scuttle on through.
The three lower leveled guildmates give chase and only the Rogue slides to a halt after he sees the bodies stacked in the shadows on either side of the honey trap. He yells out to his compadres, but by this point Zaena has already taken one down with a well-aimed arrow while Ryuk pumps the other full of black and molten marble.
Instakill! Instakill!
The word appears in the air amidst a misting of blood.
“Sheeeyooot!” The Rogue turns to run the other way and makes it all of four steps before an arrow brings him to the ground.
Hiccup makes a running leap and a large ax appears in his hands in midair. He comes down hard with his knees on the back of the rogue, piledriving his ax into the back of his head and bringing him sudden death.
Instakill!
“Whew!” The goblin waddles to his feet and wipes some blood from his ax onto the Rogue’s clothing. As he has for everyone else they’ve killed, Hiccup grabs the Rogue by the leg and drags him over to the side of one of the fisheries, leaving a trail of crimson behind him. He checks him for loot and kicks the rogue when he finds none.
He does the same with the other two. He then walks over to their blood trails and tries to kick up some dust to cover them.
Zaena: The goblin needs one more level, then we’re good.
Hiccup: THE GOBLIN HAS A FICKIN’ NAME. Why are Thuleans so racist? Why do I always want to go to my safe space after a couple hours with you?
Zaena: Are you not a goblin?
Hiccup: Are you not a lizard?
Zaena: We will discuss this later.
“Like fick we will,” Hiccup grumbles as he gets into position. “And by the way, next time we play this little game, I get to be the ballistics expert and Ryuk gets to be the honey trap.”
“But … ” Ryuk bites his tongue, knowing better than to argue with a cranky goblin with a bright pink topknot wearing a matching tutu.
Zaena: Weapons up.
Three musicians approach, slowly, and after seeing their stats, Ryuk immediately pops his mag out and loads it with more black and molten marbles. The three are all clad in zoot suits and wide-brimmed black hats. Their clothes are tailored and they wear cowboy boots with sharp stirrups. Each has a guitar case clutched in their hands.
Berserker Warrior Level 20
HP: 1183/1183
ATK: 275
MATK: 19
DEF: 140
MDF: 46
LUCK: 19
Berserker Warrior Level 17
HP: 641/641
ATK: 215
MATK: 9
DEF: 113
MDF: 39
LUCK: 15
Berserker Assassin Level 15
HP: 587/587
ATK: 172
MATK: 11
DEF: 94
MDF: 51
LUCK: 8
Boss battle. A reticle appears on Ryuk’s viewing screen and he keeps it trained on the most powerful of the three.
“A trio of crappy busker bitch-serkers, huh? Mother of fick … ” Hiccup grumbles. “All you sorry fickers, the first one that plays Kumbaya gets a tomahawk up the chalupa.”
Zaena: Stop bitching and bait them!
Ryuk: Am I the only one that has looked at their stats?
“Keep your underoos on, Marbles,” Hiccup says as he waves and blows kisses at the buskers. “Heya fellas! Did your dads teach you how to play the skin flute or was it your uncle?”
The three desperados stop. The first places his guitar on the ground, pops it open, and pulls an OFB Amogh Carbine from it.
He pops the magazine in and points it at Hiccup. His pearly whites gleam from the shadow cast by his black hat as a grin spreads across his face.
“FICK ME!”
Hiccup can barely get the next string of curses out before the other two can equip HK416Ns. The goblin’s scutum appears and with his hands over his head, he covers his back with the large shield as the three berserkers unleash of fury of metal unhappiness at the goblin.
Brrrat! Brrrat! Brrrat! Brrrat! Brrrat!
“We need Twixy!” he shouts, his voice muffled by the bullets dinging off his shield. “YOY!”
No, we need leverage. Ryuk holsters his marble gun and pulls out his slingshot. In the pocket goes a clear marble and he fires it off with the command, “Disable firearms!”
The marble connects with the most leveled of the three and a wave of force boomerangs around him. It skips to the second berserker and the third.
The three of them stop shooting.
Shit!
Ryuk goes with his marble gun and fires off a string of molten and black marbles. Zaena accompanies him with arrows. -45 HP! -39 HP! -58 HP! As they take damage, the three dive sideways and the berserker slides into a wall, where he sticks to the sidewall of the fishery as if the wall were made of flypaper.
It’s at this point that Ryuk realizes just how epic of a fail his Simple Request attack just was.
And as if a light bulb flicked on over their heads, the three berserkers realize that the laws of gravity no longer apply to them.
Guns a-blazing, the three run along the sides of the buildings, matrix-ly defying in-game physics as they leap up onto the fisheries and dip back down into the alley sidewalls to avoid Ryuk and Zaena’s attacks.
As he fires, replaces his mag and fires again, Ryuk catches Hiccup also trying to run up the side of a wall, which ends poorly. The goblin screams his favorite curse word, falls backwards, and immediately starts nursing a healing potion.
Damn goblin!
The high level berserker flips onto Zaena’s rooftop and away go her two bows.
The faceoff begins.
Ryuk watches wide-eyed, sure that the berserker is going to mow her down with his carbine. He gains a sudden sense of respect for the berserker when the guy equips a buster sword instead. The two charge one another, Zaena’s hands and ghost limbs spinning blades as she meets the berserker.
Realizing he’s about to go head-to-head himself, Ryuk gums a few molten marbles and keeps the end of his marble gun trained at the corner of the rooftop. He spins, checks his three o’clock and his nine, spins again and does the same.