"You can do it," he says.
"I know I have to," I reply with my umbrella in my hand. "But I am afraid to hesitate, knowing what I know about what happened to the Muffin Man's children."
"If we consider every Bin Laden-like terrorist's miserable childhood and make excuses for him, the world will end up perished in a few days," he says. "Everyone is responsible for themselves. You can't blame the world for what happened to you." He stops for a breath and asks me, "Now, do you want to know who Jack really is before you do this?"
"I am not sure."
"It's all up to you. I am only reminding you in case you don't come back alive," he says. "Who knows what might happen up there?"
"I think I know who Jack is." I finally falter under the pressure. Why should I deny it? I woke up crippled in a world that seemed to be the real world, while all of this, although it feels real, simply can't be real, because it doesn't make any sense. "Jack is just a figment of my imagination."
"Go on..."
"I made him up to compensate for his absence after I killed him in the school bus for reasons I can't remember..."
"And?"
"He just pops up whenever I am in great danger because it feels better thinking he came to save me." I am crying already. "I made him up so I don't feel guilty about him. Sometimes I think people see him, but I could have made that up as well."
"Is that all?"
I crane my head up at the Pillar. "I am ready to admit that, but I want him to stay near. Please, don't make him disappear," I say to the Pillar, throwing myself in his arms. It has been so long since I needed to let these words out.
"I can't make him disappear, Alice." The Pillar doesn't put his arms around me. He just lets me do whatever I want, but doesn't show his sympathy.
I pull back and ask what he means.
"All you've said is wrong," the Pillar says.
"Does that mean Jack is real?" I wipe my tears with the back of my hand.
"Not really."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Are you ready for the truth?"
I nod eagerly.
"Jack isn't a figment of your imagination, Alice," the Pillar answers. "He is a figment of his own imagination."
"What?" I can't even comprehend the sentence he just said. "A figment of his own imagination?"
"When people die in this world, sometimes they aren't ready to cross over to the other side," he explains. "Usually it's someone they have left behind that keeps them attached to the living world. It's not something that happens often. Maybe one in a million." I'm beginning to see where this is going. "There is no doubt you killed Adam—I mean Jack. He just wasn't ready to leave you alone in this world. He believes there is something you haven't learned yet, and he can't leave without helping you with it. Don't ask me what it is, because I don't know."
"You mean he is a dead man walking in my life?"
"He doesn't know that. If you ask him where he slept last night, he usually can't answer it, right?" the Pillar asks. "He is in a haze himself, driven by only one force in this temporary figment of existence."
"One force?"
"His love for you."
My tears burst out again.
"He will appear when your heart needs him the most. He will be seen by others and he will be effective," he says. "If he kills someone, they will die. He is rather true when he is present. Think of him as a living soul borrowed from the other side."
"This so confusing." I hiccup. "But it means he will always be there for me."
"Like a guardian angel." The Pillar chews on the words. "I pretended I didn't see him because of the emotional pressure he will put on you. The world is in danger, Alice, and emotions make us weaker. You can't be like that. You have to learn the art of bluntness in order to face the enemy."
I pull the umbrella up and wipe my tears. "You have it all wrong, Pillar," I tell him. "I don't know what you know about love, or what happened to you in the past that made you so blunt and without feelings, but love strengthens, not weakens. Why didn't you just tell me he was a figment of his own imagination long ago?"
The Pillar stays silent. I sense there is more he isn't telling me.
"If there is anything else I should know, please tell me now."
"There isn't," he says. I believe he is lying. "Do me a favor and don't call for Jack with your heart when you confront the Muffin Man. I want you to know your powers and what you are capable of doing. Jack and I can't be there for you forever."
"How can I do this?"
"Just don't think about Jack up there when you meet up with the enemy," the Pillar says. "Be yourself. Everyone else is taken."
"I will." I like the idea. I can't keep using Jack or the Pillar's help to get me out of every problem. "But still, you have no idea what it's like to be in love." I push the elevator button up, ready for a kill.
The Pillar seems slightly insulted by my words. For the first time, I realize that this ruthless killer was definitely in love one day. The kind of love that maybe left him the way he is now.
Chapter 6 5
Cadbury factory, chocolate stirring floor
I ask the Pillar to leave me alone with the Muffin Man.
"If you say so," he mumbles as the elevator door closes. "I would have liked to see a chocolate factory just like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," he teases.
The sound of working machines and drills surrounds me as I walk in between. The factory is huge; I am worried it will take me too long to find the Muffin Man.
Surprisingly, it's easier than I thought. Gorgon Ramstein is humming his own nursery rhyme as he is working.
"Muffin Man, Muffin Man. Do you know the Muffin Man, who lives in Drury Lane?"
I take off my shoes so I can surprise him and he can't hear me coming, my umbrella held up high like a loaded gun.
"Muffin Man, Muffin Man. Do you know the Muffin Man, who somehow lost his brain?"
A few rows of stacked-up material later, I see him standing behind a huge, round machine. It looks like a bathtub, with chocolate stirring inside. It has huge mixing fans that are so long and sharp they could cut through a person. The Muffin Man has tons of pepper sacks next to him. He begins opening one to pour the pepper into the mix.
"Muffin Man, Muffin Man. Do you know the Muffin Man, who's gone utterly insane?"
"Stop!" I stand firm and point my umbrella at him. It's surprising how I got a straight window for a shot so easily. It occurs to me that I must have been taught to use this umbrella before—or was my clash with the Cheshire in Ypres just about enough? "Or I will shoot!" I say.
"How did you know I was here?" He is utterly surprised, one of the sacks open in his hands.
"That doesn't matter." I manage to control my voice. I have to be loud enough so he knows I will shoot. "I need you to put that sack down, sir." I don't know how it works, but the Cheshire said if Gorgon is stopped, his acquaintances will stop.
"How did you find me?" He is perplexed. "You should be out there with all the panicked people, trying to find the poisoned food or stay away from it."
"Please, sir," I repeat. "Put down the sack of pepper."
The sound of stirring machines demands I raise my voice even more.
"The only one who knows I'm here is the Cheshire." His jaw tenses. "Did he tell you I was here? Why would he do that?"