“How did it get in here?” shouted Flora’s mother. “It just came flying down the stairs.”
“Yes,” said Tootie. She gave Flora a meaningful look. “Flying.”
“It absolutely scared the living daylights out of me and Mrs. Tickham. We screamed.”
“We did,” said Tootie. “We screamed. There’s just no end to the excitement.”
“If that squirrel breaks my lamp, I don’t know what I’ll do. Mary Ann is very precious to me.”
“Mary Ann?” said Tootie.
“I’ll just get him off the lamp, okay?” said Flora. She put out a hand.
“Don’t touch it!” screamed her mother. “It has a disease.”
The doorbell, as if it were echoing Flora’s mother’s advice, buzzed its terrible warning buzz.
Flora and her mother and Tootie all turned.
A small voice called out.
The voice said, “Great-Aunt Tootie?”
There was a boy at the door.
He was short, and his hair was so blond that it looked almost white. His eyes were hidden behind enormous dark glasses.
In addition to TERRIBLE THINGS CAN HAPPEN TO YOU!, The Illuminated Adventures of the Amazing Incandesto! regularly featured a second bonus comic entitled The Criminal Element Is Among Us. The Criminal Element gave very specific pointers on how to never, ever be fooled by a criminal, and one of the oft-repeated dictums of The Criminal Element was that the best way to get to know a person was to look him or her directly in the eye.
Flora tried to look the boy in the eye, but all she saw was a reflection of herself in his dark glasses.
She looked short and uncertain, like an accordion in pajamas.
“William,” said Tootie, “I told you to stay put.”
“I heard screaming,” said the boy. His voice was high and thin. “I was concerned. I came as fast as I could. Unfortunately, on the way over here, I had a small but extremely violent encounter with some variety of shrub. And now I’m bleeding. I think I’m bleeding. I’m pretty sure I smell blood. But no one should be concerned. Please, don’t overreact.”
“This,” said Tootie, “is my nephew.”
“Great-nephew,” said the boy. “And I hope I don’t need stitches. Do you think I need stitches?”
“His name is William,” said Tootie.
“William Spiver, actually,” said Tootie’s nephew. “I prefer to be called William Spiver. It distinguishes me from the multiplicity of Williams in the world.” He smiled. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, whoever you are. I would shake your hand, but as I said, I think I’m bleeding. Also, I’m blind.”
“You are not blind,” said Tootie.
“I am suffering from a temporary blindness induced by trauma,” said William Spiver.
Temporary blindness induced by trauma.
The words sent a chill down Flora’s spine.
Seemingly, there was no end to the things that could go wrong with human beings. Why hadn’t TERRIBLE THINGS CAN HAPPEN TO YOU! done an issue on temporary blindness induced by trauma? Or, for that matter, one on extended hallucinations?
“I am temporarily blind,” said William Spiver again.
“How unfortunate,” said Flora’s mother.
“He’s not blind,” said Tootie. “But as of this morning, he is staying with me for the summer. Imagine my surprise and excitement.”
“I have nowhere else to go, Great-Aunt Tootie,” said William Spiver. “You know that. I am at the mercy of the winds of fate.”
“Oh,” said Flora’s mother. She clapped her hands. “How wonderful. A little friend for Flora.”
“I don’t need a little friend,” said Flora.
“Of course you do,” said her mother. She turned to Tootie. “Flora is very lonely. She spends far too much time reading comics. I’ve tried to break her of the habit, but I’m very busy with my novel writing and she is alone a lot. I’m worried that it has made her strange.”
“I’m not strange,” said Flora. This seemed like a safe statement to make when someone as truly, profoundly strange as William Spiver was standing beside her.
“I would be happy to be your friend,” said William Spiver. “Honored.” He bowed.
“How lovely,” said Flora’s mother.
“Yes,” said Flora. “How lovely.”
“The blind,” said William Spiver, “even the temporarily blind, have an excellent sense of smell.”
“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” said Tootie. “Here we go.”
“I have to tell you that I smell something out of the ordinary, something that is not usually smelled within the confines of the human domestic sphere,” said William Spiver. He cleared his throat. “I smell squirrel.”
Squirrel!
Confronted with the spectacle of William Spiver, they had forgotten about Ulysses.
Flora and her mother and Tootie all turned and looked at Ulysses. He was still on top of Mary Ann. He had managed to balance himself on the small blue-and-green globe that was at the center of the lampshade.
“That squirrel,” said Flora’s mother. “He’s rabid, diseased. He’s got to go.”
Why don’t you let me take the squirrel?” Tootie said to Flora’s mother. “I’ll just return him to the wild.”
“If you can call the backyard the wild,” said William Spiver.
“Hush up, William,” said Tootie. She reached out for Ulysses.
“Don’t touch it!” shrieked Flora’s mother. “Not without gloves. It has some sort of disease.”
“If you could just get me some gloves, then,” said Tootie, “I’ll pluck the squirrel off the lampshade and whisk him out of here and set him free. The kids can come along. It will be a scientific adventure.”
“It doesn’t sound very scientific to me,” said William Spiver.
“Well,” said Flora’s mother, “I don’t know. Flora Belle’s father is coming to pick her up for their Saturday visit. He’ll be here any minute now. And she’s still in her pajamas.”
“Flora Belle?” said William Spiver. “What a lovely, melodious name.”
“It will all take just a minute,” said Tootie in a low, soothing voice. “The kids can get to know each other.”
“I’ll get you some gloves,” said Flora’s mother.
And so now here they were, walking over to Tootie’s, getting to know each other. Or something.
Tootie had on a pair of dishwashing gloves that went all the way up to her elbows. The gloves were bright pink, and they glowed in a cheery, radioactive sort of way.
In Tootie’s gloved hands was Ulysses. Behind Tootie was Flora.
And next to Flora was William Spiver. His left hand rested on her shoulder.
“Do you mind, Flora Belle?” he had said. “Would it trouble you terribly if I put my hand on your shoulder and allowed you to guide me back to Great-Aunt Tootie’s house? The world is a treacherous place when you can’t see.”
Flora didn’t bother pointing out to him that the world was a treacherous place when you could see.
And speaking of treacherousness, things were not, in any way, progressing as Flora had planned. She had envisioned Ulysses fighting crime, criminals, villainy, darkness, treachery; she had imagined him flying (holy bagumba!) through the world with her (Flora Buckman!) at his side. Instead, here she was leading a temporarily blind boy through her own backyard. It was anticlimactic, to say the least.
“Have you released the squirrel yet, Great-Aunt Tootie?”
“No,” said Tootie, “I have not.”
“Why do I sense that there is more going on here than meets the eye?” said William Spiver.
“Just keep quiet until we get back to the house, William,” said Tootie. “Can you do that? Keep quiet for a minute?”