Dad was lying down, watching cheesy old music videos on VH1. Each of his hands was covered by a plaster cast, and each cast was as large as a honeydew melon.
He looked up with an embarrassed smile. “Could be worse,” he said.
“That's true. At least you're not in jail this time,” I said.
“And it was only doors that got smashed. Those I can fix myself.”
I sat on the edge of the bed, trying not to stare. I still couldn't believe what he'd done to himself. “You really feel like you're improving?” I asked.
My father nodded confidently. “I think the counseling has helped, Noah, I honestly do.”
Like I said, sometimes he's on his own weird little planet.
A video came on with a chubby guy dressed up like a woman, lipstick and all. Dad hoisted one of his casts and dropped it on the remote control. The TV screen went blank.
“Be glad you weren't around in the '80s,” he said. “The worst music and the worst hair in the history of the human race-that's no lie.”
“Mom's pretty upset,” I told him.
“I've been a disappointment to her. I realize that.” Dad pulled himself upright and gazed out the window and didn't say anything for a while.
“She'll be all right,” I said, to break the silence.
“Yeah, she's amazing. Rock solid.”
He turned to face me and cleared his throat a couple of times. “Noah, I'm going to tell you how things work in the real world. It might make you mad or sick to your stomach, whatever-but I want you to listen closely. Okay?”
I said sure-and braced for one of his rants.
“You know how much Dusty Muleman got fined for dumping his holding tank? For fouling nature with that awful crap? Guess what his punishment was!” My father was trembling with fury. “Ten thousand lousy dollars! Ten grand-that's what he makes in one stinking night off that casino operation. It's a joke, son. It's chump change to a rich maggot like that!”
“Dad, take it easy-”
“No, you need to hear this. You need to know.” He hunched forward, eyes blazing. “Last year a few young hotshots from the federal prosecutor's office in Miami drove down here for a private bachelor party on the Coral Queen. You know what a bachelor party is, right?”
“No, but I'll be glad to do some research.” I was trying to lighten the mood. “Yes, Dad, I know what a bachelor party is.”
“Don't be a smartass, son. Just listen and learn. The party gets a little out of control, okay? On the boat there are some… well, let's be nice and call them ‘dancers.' Exotic-type dancers-”
“I get the idea, Dad.”
“Anyway, Dusty takes out a camera and he snaps some pictures. Now, these aren't the sort of pictures that a person would necessarily want to frame and hang on the living-room wall-”
“Hold on,” I said. “You're telling me that Dusty Muleman blackmailed the government's lawyers?”
“Let's say he didn't hesitate to tell their boss what happened that night-and what was on that roll of film,” Dad said, “which I'm sure Dusty has locked away in a vault somewhere. Anyway, all of a sudden the feds are looking to cut a deal and close the case.”
“For a fine of ten thousand bucks.”
“It would've been even less, if it weren't for Lice Peeking,” my father said. “He showed up one day at the Coast Guard station and gave a secret statement, testifying about what he saw when he used to work on the casino boat. He swore that Dusty ordered the crew to flush the holding tank whenever it got full, as long as nobody was around to see.”
I smiled to myself. That was pure Shelly-forcing Lice Peeking to step up and tell what he knew. It was obviously part of the price he had to pay if he wanted to be her boyfriend again.
“So Dusty agreed to cough up the ten grand,” Dad went on, “and he promised never, ever again to flush into the basin.”
“And they believed him? After all this?” I said. It was incredible.
“Oh, and dig this. To show how much he cares about the ocean, he offers to throw a big fund-raising benefit for the Save the Reef Foundation on the Coral Queen.” Dad chuckled bitterly. “It would be funny if only it were a movie and not real life.”
Now I understood why he'd slugged the doors. It was the surest way to stop himself from doing the same thing to Dusty Muleman.
“What happened to Luno?” I asked.
“He's back in Morocco, probably living the high life,” my father said. “Dusty paid him off and put him on a jet, in case the feds went looking for him.”
“How'd you find this stuff out?”
“Shelly told me,” he said. “She's slick. Dusty still hasn't got a clue that she was in on your sting.”
Dad was thirsty, so I brought him some water and tipped the glass to his lips. He said that six of his ten knuckles had been fractured and that the doctors weren't sure when the casts could come off.
“Until then, I guess I'm out of action,” he said dejectedly, “unless I learn how to steer a boat with my feet.”
“But you're still getting back your captain's license, right?”
“Absolutely, Noah. There's no law against punching out your own house.”
We heard Mom's car rolling into the driveway.
“Why don't you let me be the one to tell Abbey all this,” I suggested.
“Good idea,” Dad said, “but be sure to leave out the part about the dancers.”
That night I was jolted awake by wailing sirens, one after another. I figured there was a bad wreck somewhere on the highway. The clock by my bed said 4:20.
With all the noise, it took me a while to go back to sleep. The next thing I recall, it was daylight and Abbey was shaking me by the shoulders.
“Get up, Noah, hurry!” she whispered. “The cops are here to arrest Dad!”
I jumped into a pair of jeans and ran to the living room. Abbey was a half step behind me.
My father was still in his pajamas, and sitting in his favorite armchair. On each side of him stood a uniformed sheriff's deputy. I recognized one of them as the jowly guy from the jailhouse.
Standing in front of Dad was a young, barrel-chested man wearing a shiny blue suit. The man was jotting in a notebook, except he wasn't a newspaper reporter. He was a detective.
“This is Lieutenant Shucker,” said my mother.
Abbey and I nodded hello. We were real nervous, though not as nervous as Dad. Mom was pouring coffee into his mouth as fast as he could slurp it down.
“Mr. Underwood, what happened to your hands?” Lieutenant Shucker asked. “You didn't happen to burn them, did you?”
“No, I didn't burn 'em. I broke 'em,” my father said. “Donna, show him the door.”
“I'm not going anywhere,” the detective said curtly.
“No, I mean show him the holes in the doors,” Dad explained.
Lieutenant Shucker examined the damage, but he didn't seem impressed.
“Where were you this morning,” he asked my dad, “between three A.M. and four A.M.?”
“He's been right here with us,” my mother interjected.
“That's right,” I said. “Dad was home all night.”
“How do you know that for sure?” the detective asked snidely.
Abbey looked as if she wanted to bite him. “Geez, mister, check out his hands!” she said. “He can't pick his own nose, much less drive a car!”
The two deputies began to snicker, then caught themselves. Mom's jaw tightened. “Abbey, that'll be enough from you.”
Dad tried to act indignant by folding his arms, but the casts were too bulky. “Officers, what's this all about?” he demanded.
“Mr. Underwood, you have the right to remain silent,” Lieutenant Shucker said. “You also have the right to an attorney-”
“Wait a minute! Hold on!” I burst out. “You're arresting him?”
“Not right this minute,” the detective said, “but we've got lots more questions. He's definitely our prime suspect in this crime.”