"Oh, TJ." My heart broke for him. "I'm so sorry."
"It's okay." He nodded. "That wasn't the part that hurt." He paused. "The part that hurt was seeing her hug and smile at everyone else. It made me feel small, unloved, like I'd done something wrong. I remember once, I had a party and she hugged all my school friends and asked each and every one of them how their day had been, yet she didn't even look me in the eyes. She didn't even care about me, her own son, the one she should have loved the most."
"I don't know why she did that," I whispered and stroked the side of his face. "I'm so sorry." The words sounded inadequate, even to my own ears.
"I was too young to understand that it must have been due to my dad," he said and sighed. "All I could think about was how she always used to hold me close and hug and kiss me until I couldn't breathe. And she'd tell me how much she loved me. How she couldn't imagine loving anyone more than me. And then she just stopped."
"I'm sure she didn't stop."
"She just stopped. I was her world. She told me I was her world. She used to tell me that I was her reason for living. That my birth was what had made her life perfect. She told me that the day she had me was the day she started to believe in God again. He'd proven he existed by giving her something so perfect." His throat caught. "And then she stopped loving me and she died."
"Oh, TJ." I pulled him into my arms and held him tightly. "You were the best thing that ever happened to her, but your dad and whatever other demons she had, well, that stopped her from being the person she was inside."
"Sometimes I wish I could talk to her," he said. "I'd like to know what happened. I'd like to know if she stopped loving me."
"She'd never stop loving you, TJ." I kissed him hard. "No one could stop loving you," I whispered against his lips. I could never stop loving you, I thought to myself as I dismissed the other girl from my thoughts. My heart was aching for my TJ, the man who still held the hurt and fears from his childhood.
"I want to make love to you," he muttered against my lips. "I need to be inside of you."
I didn't answer; instead, I slowly took off his shirt and then pulled his pants and boxers down. I then stood up and slowly undressed and threw my clothes to the ground. I looked down at his moon-kissed face and my heart swelled with love at the look of desire that shone back at me.
"Come to me, baby." He reached his arms up and I took his hands and straddled him. I felt his hardness between my legs and I rocked back and forth and teased myself with his manhood. He leaned up and pulled me down slightly so that he could cover my right nipple with his mouth and suck, while his hand played with my other breast. I stretched my body down against him and kissed his neck, while my hands played with his chest and ran down his slightly hairy stomach. My fingers played with his bellybutton and I gasped as he started nibbling on my nipple. I adjusted my body and sat up slightly and reached down and guided him into me hesitantly. This was the first time I was really the guiding force during intercourse and I was loving the feeling of power. As he slid inside of me, I found myself closing my eyes and moving back and forth on him gently, enjoying every stroke of him inside of me, as the stars shone down on us. The moment felt primal and raw and like we were one with nature.
“I’m flying, TJ,” I cried out as I felt my orgasm building. My hair flew behind me and the wind cooled down my heated body.
“I’m flying as well, Mila.” He grabbed a hold of my hips and moved my body back and forward even faster. I gyrated on him as hard as I could and I could feel both of our bodies trembling as we neared our crashing point. We cried out together as we both came and my body fell down on top of him as I climaxed.
“I love you, TJ,” I said softly into his ear. “That will never change.”
“I know,” he whispered back. “That’s my dream and my hope.”
Chapter Thirteen
Mila
I walked along the side of river by myself watching the sunrise. The previous evening had been touching and profound, but the sadness in my heart told me that things were never going to change. TJ was broken, even if he didn’t know it. And he might never be able to love me in the way that I’d wanted. I knew it in the way he’d pulled away from me when we’d broken up this morning. He’d looked embarrassed and sad, and even more than that, he’d looked vacant. That was what had broken me. I’d felt that after last night we were growing closer, but this morning it had seemed like we were further apart than ever before.
I walked over to the grass and sat down and then lay back and closed my eyes. I knew I couldn’t stay here long. TJ had to get back to work. His phone had been ringing since about 5am and I’d heard him muttering that he’d be in the office as soon as possible. I wanted to ask him what was going on at work, but didn’t what to seem like I was being nosey. Plus, that wasn’t the conversation that I really wanted to have. I wanted to talk about us, about him. About what we were really doing. I wanted to tell him I wanted out. I didn’t want to be his four week fiancee anymore. Sally had been right. It was only four weeks, but I knew it was going to hurt for a lot longer than that. I was fighting a losing battle. TJ was never going to be mine and the pain that I felt every time I was with him was almost as much as the love. It was becoming too much for me to handle. I didn’t want to feel this way any more. I didn’t want to feel like my whole day was made with his smile and my whole day was ruined with his frown.
I looked up as I heard footsteps approaching me. It was TJ. He was wearing a tshirt and jeans and a lopsided smile on his face, that looked nervous and anxious at the same time. It was weird to see him this way. I was so used to the man that always used to tease me and try and make fun of me. Seeing this vulnerable side of TJ made me see him as someone different, still wonderful and fun, but someone deeper and of more character. It was hard not to fall deeper in love with him, the more I saw of him; flaws and all. He walked towards me and sat next to me, not saying anything. I looked away from him and just stared at the sky and we just lay there in silence.
"I'll tell you a story." TJ said finally as he lay next to me in the grass.
"I don't want to hear a story." I didn't look at him as I shifted away from him. Why had he followed me here? Why couldn't he just leave me alone? Or just tell me that he needed to get back to the office and that we had to leave.
"There once was a girl. She loved a boy. With all her heart. All her soul. She loved him, even when she didn't know him. She loved him for everything he was. She loved him for everything he wasn't. She loved him for the way he smiled when she giggled. The way he frowned when he disapproved of something she was doing. The way he pursed his lips when he was cross. The way he held her hand when she was tipsy. She loved him for the way he always knew exactly how she felt. She loved him even when he didn't love her. She loved him with so much hope and wonder. And she waited. Patiently. She waited for the day when he would love her. In fairytales, soulmates always came together. And she knew he was her soulmate. She knew as sure as there were stars in the sky that he was hers." TJ's voice broke and my lips trembled at his words. My eyes started to fill with tears. I hated him. I hated him for coming him and talking and saying things that made my heart hurt even more.
"So then what happened?" I asked him, my voice barely a whisper.
"He wasn't good enough."
"You mean he didn't love her." I interjected, fed up of his bullshit.
"I mean, he wasn't good enough." TJ sighed. "Life isn't always a fairytale."