“As for me, I’ll be glad to get home to my nasty old bugs. Even an ant would be a welcome sight. I’ll tell you one thing,honey, I’m glad I’m on the going-out end, instead of coming-in … ‘My Father’s house has many mansions and I’m ready to go.’ …
“The only thing I ask is, please, Lord, get rid of all the lineoleum floors before I get there.”
OCTOBER 17, 1940
When Vesta Adcock was younger, someone had told her to speak up, and she never forgot it. You could hear Vesta through brick walls. The booming voice from that little woman traveled for blocks.
Cleo Threadgoode made the remark that it was a shame that Earl Adcock had to pay his telephone bills since Vesta could just as well have opened the door and aimed at whoever’s house she was calling.
Considering that, and the fact that she had appointed herself president of the “I’m Better Than Anyone Else Club,” it was not surprising that Earl did what he did.
Earl Adcock was a quiet, decent man who had always done the right thing—one of the unsung heroes of life who had married the girl just because she had picked him out and he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. And so he had just remained quiet while Vesta and and his mother-in-law-to-be had arranged everything from the wedding to the honeymoon to where they would live.
After the one child, Earl Jr., had been born, a soft, pudgy,pasty little boy with brown ringlets who screamed for his mother whenever his father got near him, Earl realized he had made a big mistake, but he did the gentlemanly, manly thing: He stayed married and raised this son, who lived in the same house, had the same blood, but was a stranger to him.
Earl was in charge of over two hundred men down at L & N Railroad, where he worked, and commanded great respect and was extremely capable. He had served bravely in the First World War, killing two Germans, but in his own home he had been reduced to just another child of Vesta’s, and not even a favorite child: He came in second to Earl Jr.
“WIPE YOUR FEET BEFORE YOU COME IN HERE! DON’T SIT IN THAT CHAIR!”
“HOW DARE YOU SMOKE IN MY HOUSE … GO OUT ON THE PORCH!”
“YOU CAIN’T BRING THOSE NASTY FISH IN HERE. TAKE THEM OUT IN THE BACKYARD AND CLEAN THEM!”
“EITHER YOU GET RID OF THOSE DOGS OR I’M TAKING THE BABY AND LEAVING!”
“MY GOD, IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE ON YOUR MIND? YOU MEN ARE NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF ANIMALS!”
She picked out his clothes, she picked out their friends, and flew at him like an enraged wild turkey the few times that he had tried to swat little Earl; eventually, he gave up.
Thus, throughout the years, Earl had worn the correct blue suit, carved the meat, gone to church, been the husband and father, and never said one word against Vesta. But Earl Jr. was grown now, and the L & N had retired him with a nice pension that he immediately signed over to Vesta, and had given him a gold Rockford railroad watch. And so, as quietly as he had lived, he slipped out of town, leaving only a note behind:
Well, that’s that. I’m off, and if you don’t believe I’m leaving, just count the days I’m gone. When you hear the phone not ringing, it’ll be me that’s not calling.
Goodbye, old girl, and good luck.
Yours truly,
Earl Adcock
P.S. I’m not deaf.
Vesta smacked a surprised Earl Jr. in the face and went to bed for a week with a cold rag on her head, while everyone in town secretly cheered Earl on. If good wishes had been ten-dollar bills, he would have left a rich man.
OCTOBER 18, 1940
Warning to Wives
It’s that time of the year again, and my other half is chomping at the bit to get out with the gang and hunt. He’s been cleaning his guns and fooling with his old hounds and doing everything short of baying at the moon. So, get ready to say goodbye to the boys for a while. Nothing that moves is safe … Remember last year, when Jack Butts shot a hole in the bottom of the rowboat? Idgie said they all sunk to the bottom of the lake while ten flocks of ducks flew right over their heads.
Congratulations to Stump Threadgoode for winning the first prize at the school Science Fair, with his project, “The Lima Bean … What Is It?”
Second prize went to Vernon Hadley, whose project was “Experimenting with Soap.”
Idgie has a big jar of dried lima beans on the counter, down at the cafe, and says anyone who guesses how many lima beans are in the jar gets a prize.
The photograph of Mr. Pinto did not turn out as well as expected, and is just a blur.
Ruth said to tell everybody that she has thrown the shrunken head out, because it was making people sick to see it on the counter while they were trying to eat. Ruth said it was nothing but a rubber head that Idgie had bought at the Magic Shop in Birmingham, anyway.
By the way, my other half says that somebody asked us over for supper, but he can’t remember who it was. So, whoever asked us, we will be happy to come, just call me and let me know.
… Dot Weems …
P.S. Opal says again to please stop feeding Boots.
AUGUST 4, 1928
It had been two years since Idgie had seen Ruth, but every once in a while, Idgie went over to Valdosta on Wednesdays, because that was the day that Frank Bennett would come into town and go to the barbershop. She would usually hang around Puckett’s Drug Store, because she had a good view of the front door of the barbershop and could see Frank sitting in the barber’s chair.
She wished she could hear what he was saying, but it was enough just to see him. He was her only link to Ruth, and as long as she saw him, she knew that Ruth was still there.
This Wednesday, Mrs. Puckett, the thin little old lady in black-framed glasses, was busy as usual, moving around the store, arranging things as if life depended on everything being neat and in its place.
Idgie was sitting at the counter, looking across the street; watching.
“That Frank Bennett sure does talk a lot, doesn’t he? A real friendly fella, huh?”
Mrs. Puckett was on the first step of a ladder, arranging jars of Stillman’s Freckle Cream, her back to Idgie. “Some might say so, I guess.”
Idgie heard a strange tone in her voice.
“What do you mean?”
“I just said, some may think so, that’s all.” She came down off the stepladder.
“Don’t you think so?”
“It doesn’t matter what I think.”
“Don’t you think he’s friendly?”
“I didn’t say I didn’t think he was friendly, did I? I guess he’s friendly enough.”
Mrs. Puckett was now poking at the boxes of Carter’s Liver Pills on the counter. Idgie got off the stool and went over to her.
“What do you mean, friendly enough? Do you know something about him? Has he ever not been friendly?”
“No, he’s always pleasant enough,” she said, arranging the boxes in a row. “It’s just that I don’t like any man that’ll beat his wife.”