Kyler blinked. “Are you apologizing?”
The sound of disbelief in his voice unnerved me. Like he didn’t want my apology, that it was too late for that. “Yes. I shouldn’t have said that to you. And what you did a year ago—”
“Hold up.” Kyler raised his hand. “You can’t be serious.”
I sucked in a deep breath, but it got stuck in my throat. My heart pounded fast and suddenly I did need to sit. I sat on the edge of the bed, feeling like we were about to break up…except we weren’t together.
Kyler toed himself forward, the wheels of the chair squeaking over the hardwood floor. “You have absolutely no reason to apologize, Syd. ‘I’m sorry’ shouldn’t even cross your lips.”
“I don’t?”
“No.” He rubbed a hand over the scruff on his jaw. “All of this is my fault. I fucked up, Syd. I fucked up so bad, so many times, that I shouldn’t even be sitting here. You shouldn’t even be talking to me.”
“Oh?” I wasn’t sure how to process that.
He let out a shaky breath, and then he straightened. I tensed, because he had this look like he was steeling himself. Like he was about to rip off a bandage, and maybe that was why he was here. To tell me that nothing should’ve happened between us, that we should’ve stayed just friends, and he was sorry for allowing it to go any further. I didn’t want to hear it, but I knew I needed to. It was going to hurt—hurt like hell. I thought of Nate and what he had said, and I wanted to crawl under the bed, but I forced myself to sit there. No more running. No more hiding. Life was imperfect. This was going to be one of those moments.
Our gazes locked.
“I’m sorry for a lot of things,” Kyler started, holding my gaze. “I wish that you hadn’t had to go through what you did with Zach. He hurt you. I know you say you’re okay, but he put his hands on you, and it was because of something I had done. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”
“That wasn’t your fault.” The earlier guilt grew like a noxious weed. “Please don’t think that. The guy was obviously unstable—”
“I know, but it’s going to take me a lot to get over that,” he admitted openly. “I keep reliving the whole thing, and every time I think about you getting hurt, it kills me a little. I’m serious and I’m so sorry, Syd. I am so sorry.”
My heart hurt hearing him talk like that. “Kyler…”
“But that’s not what I’m most sorry for,” he continued, and I thought, here it comes. I tried my best to prepare myself, but a lump already was growing in my throat. Kyler ran his hands through his hair. “I’m most sorry for hurting you. I know I have. I know I’ve hurt you before with the other girls. I hurt you by not being up front about Sasha. I didn’t mean to lie. I just wasn’t thinking, because Sasha and I aren’t like that, but I should’ve told you that we did have relations before. And I didn’t sleep with her again. I sure as hell didn’t sleep with her when I went to her cabin to help her with the busted windows—”
“Busted windows?” I repeated numbly.
“Zach had bashed her windows the night before. She lives on her own up there and needed help,” he explained. “But I wish I hadn’t helped her. I should have been there for you and I wasn’t. I can’t forgive myself for that.”
I closed my eyes, feeling so much I didn’t know where to start. Too many emotions whirled inside me to really digest all of this. “Oh, Kyler…”
“And I don’t expect my apology to make a damn bit of difference. Trust me,” he rushed on, and I opened my eyes, blinking back hot tears. “I know there is a lot for me to make up for. There’ve been times I ditched you to go the movies with another girl, broke plans to get laid, that kind of thing. Because that’s all I was about, was screwing, you know? And then there was prom. I didn’t even dance with you. And this whole time, you were right there beside me, and I’m…” He shook his head. “I’m fucking rambling. I probably can’t fix any of that. I won’t blame you if you tell me to get the fuck out of this house, but just know, there are a lot of things I wish I could do over, but there is one thing I’ll never regret.”
I stilled, thoughts and pulse racing.
Kyler stood and he walked over to me, kneeling down. He tipped his head back so he looked me straight in the eyes when he said the next words. “I will never regret being with you, Syd. Never. And I wish I could go back and relive those hours. I wish I could go back in time, and instead of hooking up with some chick, I’d man up and tell you how I really felt for you, how I’ve always felt for you.”
I opened my mouth and gasped, but there were no words. I searched his striking face, and he stared back, open and right there—finally, right there in front of me. My heart was swelling and bursting at once. Hope burned as bright as the North Star. “How you’ve always felt?”
“I’ve loved you my entire life,” he said, eyes locked on mine. “And I would love you for the rest of my life if you’d let me, Syd.”
Chapter 24
Kyler
Once those words left my mouth, I knew it was the right thing to say. There was no doubt in my mind. It was what I should’ve said years ago, from the first moment I realized how deep my feelings for her ran. And there was a good chance it was too late now, but a weight lifted off my shoulders. I’d spilled the truth. I didn’t expect my apologies to be enough right now, but telling her how I felt could open a door for later. At least, that’s what I hoped.
But the longer Syd was quiet, the more worried I become. Syd looked a little dumbstruck. She didn’t move. Her hands were limp in her lap, palms up. She didn’t say anything. Her pretty, rosy lips were parted. She just stared at me.
It felt like I’d been punched in the gonads. Had I messed up so badly that my declaration of love had blown her mind in all the wrong ways? Aw man, I didn’t like this feeling. Most likely deserved it, but that didn’t make it easier to swallow, especially when her eyes turned glassy, as if she were fighting tears.
I hadn’t planned on that. Fuck.
“Syd, baby, say something, please.” I dropped my hands on my thighs to stop myself from grabbing her. “Please.”
She gave a little shake of her head, causing a few shorter strands to slip free from her bun. Dark tendrils brushed her temples and the nape of her neck. Then she leaned forward. Before I knew what she was doing, she cupped my cheeks with trembling hands.
Okay. This was good. This was heading somewhere I’d—
“I want to strangle you,” she said, her voice hoarse.
All right, that wasn’t good. Not at all.
“You have no idea how badly I want to kick you right now,” she added.
And that was worse. This wasn’t—
“I love you,” she said, and she swallowed. “I’ve loved you since you pushed me down on the playground. I swear—I’ve loved you since then.”
“I…what?” I stared at her. “What did you just say?”
Syd kissed me.
Her lips were soft against mine; the touch was hesitant and breathtakingly her and so damn sweet. I inhaled her through the kiss, pulling her deep into me. My brain shut down as I reveled in her kiss, like a dog rolling onto his back for a belly rub. I rose without thinking, my hands falling to her hips. She grabbed my upper arms, her fingers digging into my sweater in a way that had my entire body throbbing.
“Say it again,” I pleaded.
Her lips curved up at the corners. “I love you, Kyler.”
A shudder rolled through me. I lifted her up and set her down further on the bed. I came over her, kissing her back. In seconds our bodies were flush with one another. My tongue swept past her lips and she moaned, sending a thrill through me. Her hands ran down my back and mine found their way under the heavy sweater, against her camisole. She arched, as if willing my hand to travel further north. I rose slightly, my gaze drifting over her sweetly flushed face, long graceful neck, and the hard tips of her breasts straining against the thin material. My body shook with the effort to not strip her bare.