I have a pristine memory of what it was like to perch in those gnarled branches, where I would linger for hour upon hour, lulled into a happy trance by rhymes and songs. One of those rhymes I remember to this day.
It seems I am. It seems I was. It seems I will Be born, because It seems I am. It seems I was. It seems I will Be bom because-
And so on, round and round.
Marietta's right, I do miss England, and I do what I can to keep remembrance of it. English gin, English syntax, English melancholy. But the England I yearn for, the England I dream of when I doze in my chair, no longer exists. It was just a view from a plum tree, and a happy child. Both went into history a long time ago. It is, however, the second reason why I am writing this book. In opening the floodgates of memory, I hope to be carried, at least for a little while, back into the bliss of my childhood.
I should tell you, just briefly, about what happened the day I told Marietta I'd begun this book, because you'll understand better what it's like to live in this house. I had been sitting on my balcony with the birds (there are eleven individuals-cardinals, buntings, soldier-wing blackbirds-who come to feed from my hand and then stay to make music for me), and while I was feeding them I heard her down below having a furious argument with my other half-sister, Zabrina. As far as I could gather Marietta was being her usual imperious self, and Zabrina-who keeps out of everybody's way most of the time, and when she does encounter one of the family doesn't say much-was for once standing up for her own opinions. The gist of the exchange was this: Marietta had apparently brought one of her lovers into the house the previous night, and the visitor had proved to be quite the detective. Apparently she'd got up while Marietta was asleep, had gone wandering around the house and seen something she should not have seen.
Now she was apparently in a state of panic, and Marietta was quite out of patience with her, so she was trying to cajole Zabrina into cooking up some spiked candy that would wipe the woman's memory clean. Then Marietta could take her back home, and the whole untidy business could be forgotten.
"I told you last time I don't approve-" Zabrina's voice is normally reedy and thin; now it was positively shrill.
"Oh Lord," said Marietta wearily. "Don't be so highhanded."
"You know you should keep ordinary folks away from the house," Zabrina went on. "It's asking for trouble, bringing somebody here."
"This one's special," Marietta said.
"So why do you want me to wipe her memory?"
"Because I'm afraid she's going to lose her mind if you don't."
"What did she see?"
There was a pause. "I don't know," Marietta finally admitted. "She's too incoherent to tell me."
"Well where did you find her?"
"On the stairs."
"She didn't see Mama?"
"No, Zabrina. She didn't see Mama. If she'd seen Mama-"
"She'd be dead."
"-she'd be dead."
There was a pause. Finally Zabrina said: "If I do this-"
"Yes?"
"Quidpro quo."
"That's not very sisterly," Marietta groused. "But all right. Quid pro quo. What do you want?"
"I don't know yet," Zabrina said. "But I'll think of something, don't worry. And you won't like it. I'll make sure of that."
"How very petty of you," Marietta observed.
"Look. Do you want me to do it or don't you?"
Again there was a pause. "She's in my bedroom," Marietta said. "I had to tie her to the bed."
Zabrina giggled.
"It's not funny."
"They're all funny," Zabrina replied. "Weak heads, weak hearts. You're never going to find anyone who can really be with you. You know that don't you? It's impossible. We're on our own, to the very end."
About an hour later Marietta appeared in my room. She looked ashen; her gray eyes full of sadness.
"You heard the conversation," she said. I didn't bother to reply. "Sometimes that bitch makes me want to hit her. Hard. Not that she'd feel it. Fat cow."
"You just can't bear to be in anybody's debt."
"I wouldn't mind with you," she said.
"I don't count."
"No, I guess you don't," she replied. Then, seeing the expression on my face. "Now what have I said? I'm just agreeing with you, for God's sake! Why is everybody so damn sensitive around here?" She went to my desk and examined the contents of the gin bottle. There was barely a shot remaining. "Got any more?"
"There's half a case in the closet in the bedroom."
"Mind if I-?"
"Help yourself."
"You know we should talk more often, Eddie," she called back to me while she dug for the gin. "Get to know one another. I don't have anything in common with Dwight and Zabrina's been in the foulest mood for the last couple of months. She's so obese these days, Eddie, Have you seen her? I mean, she's grossly fat."
Though both Zabrina and Marietta insist that they're completely unlike-and in many regards this is true-they have some essential qualities in common. At their cores they're both willful, stubborn, obsessive women. But whereas Marietta, who's eleven years Zabrina's junior, has always prided herself on her athleticism, and is as lean as a woman can get and still have a lushness about her body, Zabrina gave into her cravings for praline brittle and pecan pie years ago. Occasionally I'll see her from my window, wandering rotundly across the lawn. At the last sighting she was probably three hundred and fifty pounds. (We are, you've doubtless begun to grasp, a profoundly wounded group of people. But trust me, when you better know the circumstances of our lives, you'll be astonished we're as functional as we are.)
Marietta had emerged with a fresh bottle of gin, and, unscrewing the top, poured herself an ample measure.
"Why do you keep all those clothes in the closet?" she said, knocking back a mouthful. "You're never going to wear most of them."
"I presume that means you have your eye on something."
"The smoking jacket."
"Take it."
She leaned forward and kissed my cheek. "I've underrated you all these years," she said, and went back into the bedroom to fetch the jacket in case I changed my mind.
"I've decided to write the book," I told her when she emerged.
She tossed the jacket at Nicodemus's chair and fairly danced with excitement. "That's so wonderful," she said. "Oh my God, Eddie, we're going to have such fun."