But values are things that don’t change even if they aren’t easy to follow. So to be true to your values, you’ll have to keep the environment clean even when the trash can is all the way on the other side of the park. You’ll have to tell the truth even when it makes you look bad. You’ll have to turn down cigarettes even when the most gorgeous guy in school flips out a pack and offers you a smoke.
Sticking to your values when it’s hard is called building character. And it’s not easy! How much fun is it to tell the truth when you are the one who will get in trouble? Or lug your trash all the way across the park when everybody else is darting off to the basketball court? Or turn down cigarettes when the cool girls say it looks sophisticated?
It’s difficult. But at the end of the day, you can look yourself in the mirror and say, “You know, that was tough, but I stuck to my values and that feels good!” It’s a choice you make, tough or easy. And it’s a great way to practice your Girl Power!
What Do I Value?
All of this is to say that values are important! They are the foundation of that deep question, “Who am I?” And you are at the perfect age to start answering that question! You don’t have to know for certain what you want to be when you grow up, where you will go to college or who you will marry. But you do have to start thinking about how you want to act and what you think is important. You do have to think about what you value.
Deep stuff, huh? But you really already know a lot about values. Your parents, your grandparents, your other family members and other caregivers have taught you values your entire life. You have also learned from teachers, religious leaders and coaches along the way. Take some time and think about the values you have already learned. Pay attention. Write them down. Keep a list.
Remember, values are ideas and principles plus action. So if your parents value education, they make sure you complete your assignments every day and discuss your subjects with you. If your grandmother values the arts, she takes you to art exhibits, concerts and recitals. If your religious leader values loving your neighbor, she takes you to the soup kitchen to serve people less fortunate than you. Bet you’ve learned more than you thought!
The Friend Factor
You are still learning a lot about values from the adults in your life, but as we said at the beginning of this book, things are changing! Now that you are an adolescent, you are paying more attention to your friends and other teens who may not have the same values you do. Your friends with other values will challenge what you believe in. That’s when it’s most important to understand your own values. If you are not sure what your values are, look to your family and the people who care about you to help you decide. Check out that list you’ve been keeping!
There are some values that should be universal. That means that most everyone in the universe agrees with them. Obviously, there will always be crazy, mixed-up people, like criminals and tyrant leaders who don’t fit in to “our” universe, and that’s why they seem crazy and mixed up, because they don’t follow the values that normal people live by. For example, we can probably say that most people value the Earth, fairness, justice, safety, freedom and relationships with others.
There are other values that depend on the individual and are neither right nor wrong. What’s important is what your values lead you to do. For example, a lot of people value money. This can sometimes cause problems, like if they start to steal to get more money. But valuing money can be good, too. Think about the wealthy person who donates large amounts of money to build houses for homeless people. That’s cool, and nobody would say she was a bad person for valuing money.
Is it bad to value things? Valuing things is called being materialistic. It’s usually used in a negative way, but it’s not so bad if you don’t let it control everything you do, and you have other values that keep it in check.
Let’s say you really value your clothes and makeup. Are you a bad person? Nope. But what if you value clothes and makeup so much that you won’t be friends with someone who doesn’t wear the “right” clothes? Now that’s being shallow. You’d miss out on a lot of great friends if that’s all you based your friendships on. If you value clothes, makeup AND honesty, independence and kindness, then you’re working with a fuller set of values that will make you a happier person and a better friend to others.
These examples show that there are lots of different types of things that we value. We can put them into categories to make it easier to understand. You can value:People and relationships—friends, family members, crushes and boyfriends, pets (sure, pets can be considered people, but if you think about it, it’s probably the way your pet makes you feel and depends on you and even loves you that you value most)Actions—horseback riding, drawing, sports, playing or listening to music
Ideas—honesty, trust, loyalty, humor, fairness, popularity, independence
Things—books, stuffed animals, bicycle, special piece of jewelry, your hair
Think about your values and the values of the people you know.
Do you see similarities in this chart? We bet you do! That’s because most people choose friends based on similar values and beliefs. You might have some differences from your parents, but they have definitely influenced you.
But Why?
Now, remember we told you that you are old enough to start knowing WHY when your parents tell you what they think or want. Let’s think about your own whys. Why do you value the things you listed?
So where are we going with this? As you enter the world of crushes and romance, you need to have a very strong idea about what you value in relationships. Your friends and family have helped you make that list of values. Now it’s time to think ahead about what you would value in your relationship with your true love. Are there certain things and ideas you dream of having in your relationship with your true love?
Some of them will be simple. Let’s look at the categories:People and relationships: Duh, that’s your true love you have to value. Actions: Spending time together in nature, studying together, going to a concert together, riding bikes together, gazing into each other’s eyes. Ideas: Honesty, loyalty, trust, respect.Things: You might value the bracelet he gave you or a note he wrote you.
What else? What other things are really important in a relationship? Think hard . . . how about your body and his body?! That includes your physical and emotional health.
Value Your Body! It’s the Only One You’ve Got!
But wait . . . do YOU value your body? That’s a tough one. We know that a lot of girls DON’T feel good about their bodies. WHY? Is it because magazines have made them feel they don’t look like toothpicky models?
What about you? Do you feel okay about your body? Have kids at school told you your body isn’t good enough? Are you taking care of your body like you should by eating healthy (veggies, water, avoiding fast food and junk food), exercising (sports, walking, getting off the couch and away from the computer), and protecting it from harm (wearing helmets, seat belts, avoiding drugs and alcohol, abstaining from sex or protecting yourself against pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections)?