Maybe you see yourself as kind, creative and honest. Maybe you are generous, trustworthy and funny. How about creative, loyal and colorful? Pick a few qualities you’d like to show, and show them off! In many ways, you can choose what kind of person you want to be and then make it happen.Words I want other people to use to describe me:
Things I can do so that people will see me as I want to be seen:
Friends—Are They Walkin’ or Just Talkin’?
This whole “actions speak louder than words” thing helps you become the person you want to be . . . and it also lets you see what kind of people your friends really are. And when you know what other people are really like, that helps you know where you fit in.
Do you know any girls (or guys) who say they are your friends but then do things that aren’t so friendly? Like the girl who spots you across the room in that new, cool jacket she saw at the mall and suddenly she is falling all over you, calling you “her new best friend” and asking you to sit at her lunch table? Then you find out she’s telling other girls you think you’re “so cool” because of your fancy new clothes? Seen it happen? Been there, done that?
Doesn’t it make you angry? What that girl says and what she does just don’t match up! That’s called “talkin’ the talk” (she says she is a friend) but not “walkin’ the walk” (she doesn’t act like a friend).
True friends encourage you and build you up. They listen. They focus on the good things about you. They are honest and loyal. They tell you when you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe or your shirt’s on inside out. They say nice things about you to other people. They keep your secrets. They apologize when they mess up.
True friends don’t tear you down, “dis” you or make you feel foolish. They don’t gossip about you or focus on your weaknesses. They don’t tell you that you look great when they know your fly is wide open or let you talk to your crush with broccoli in your braces. They definitely don’t call you mean or embarrassing names, especially in front of other people.
Remember we talked about there being things that just happen to you (breasts, hips, pimples, periods) and other things you have choices about (when you kiss a guy, what you talk to your parents about, how you take care of your body)? Thankfully, friends are one of those things you get to choose!
And girl, you have some serious choices to make! We already know that your brain is telling you to be more independent, to spend more time away from your family and with your friends. The friends you choose to spend this extra time with are important! And the great news is that you have the power to make important choices like this that matter.
What do you value most in a friend? Trustworthiness? Loyalty? Rowdiness? Braininess? Humor? Religious devotion? Joyfulness? Truthfulness? Kindness? We could go on for pages and pages, because the truth of the matter is that you will choose friends with a combination of many traits you admire.
Try this. When you are deciding who will be in your close circle of friends, ask yourself: Is she walkin’ or just talkin’? If her actions match her words, you have a friend worth keeping! Here are some examples:
ScenarioTalkin' the TalkWalkin' the WalkYou have a crush on Luke. Luke asks your best friend to meet him at the movies. She knows that you would be hurt if you thought Luke liked her instead.Your friend tells you that Luke is a loser so you won't like him anymore, and she meets him at the movie in secret.Your friend tells Luke that she is flattered, but she can't go. She suggests that he calls you because she knows you don't have anything planned for FridayThe big party of the year is coming up. Your best bud is invited, but you aren't. One of the girls having the party tells your friend that she thinks you are a nerd and encourages her to come hang with the "popular" kids.Your best bud tells you she has family plans, but she goes to the party anyway.Your friend thanks the hostess for the invitation, but she hangs with you instead. She realizes that if they don't respect you for who you are, then they are not the type of people she wants to hang with anyway.Your friend is walking down the hall and sees you coming out of the bathroom. The hem of your cute skirt is accidentally tucked in your underwear, and your butt is almost showing. She's a long way down the hall.She laughs hysterically, ducks into her next class and tells everyone about it.She runs down the hall and quietly stands behind you, tells you and makes sure you get your skirt right.You tell your best friend two big secrets. One, your parents are separating. Two, you are seeing a therapist to help you with your emotions. It's obvious you are very sensitive about these two issues.Your friend acts all sad for you, but then you find out she told another girl that you are seeing a therapist so you must be "crazy."Your friend offers emotional support and keeps your secrets. She is there for you whenever you need her, and she's a great listener.
Introducing . . . Miss Popularity!
Remember Girl Power? It’s the confidence that lets you make choices that are good for you, even if they aren’t the same choices everybody else is making. Well, get ready to use your Girl Power, because the crazy thing is that sometimes the most popular girls are the ones who tear you down and don’t build you up. Go figure!
That kind of popularity is usually based on negative things. Some girls bully their way into being popular by intimidating or threatening people. Maybe they make you wish you had their gorgeous hair, killer clothes or good body. Maybe they flaunt their “sexiness” or put other people down. Lots of people seem almost afraid of this kind of popular girl because they don’t want to be on her “bad side.”
Oh, the glitz . . . the glamour . . . the fame of basking in the glow of the ever-popular, ever-beautiful, ever-manipulative girls! Yuck! The bottom line is that choosing positive, caring, trustworthy friends might mean that you have to distance yourself from a particular popular crowd.
That’s the yuck side of popularity. But “popularity” is not always a word you choke down like a bitter pill. There are marvelous reasons to be popular. They are all reasons about who you are, what your strengths are, what your talents are and things you have in common with other people. All positive things about you!
Popular just means that certain people like you. The soccer goalie is popular with the athletic crowd. The guy who plays Romeo in the school play is popular with the drama crowd. The girl who reads to sick children at the hospital is popular with the community service crowd. Everybody can be popular in her own way!
And remember that being popular is not the same as having a lot of friends. True friends know each other well, not just superficially. Just because a lot of people may know someone or may like her doesn’t necessarily mean they are all her good friends. Consider yourself lucky if you have even one close friend who is the true, heart-to-heart, soul-to-soul, secret-sharing, help-you-through-anything, stand-up-for-you-always kind of friend. Now, that’s more important than popular will ever be!
En Garde! Words as Weapons
Think about the last five times you got into an argument with a friend. What happened most often? Did you get your feelings hurt by something she said, or did she bust your lip with a vicious punch to the chin? We’re betting your friend’s weapon of choice was her words and not her fist.