"Sounds good."She wiped a tear from her eye. "Sorry, I'm still in shock. By the way, I meant to say this earlier, but if this is a prank, I will personally break every single bone in your body."
"I wish this was a joke, believe me," I said. "I'm going to head off now, because quite honestly if I don't get a bit more sleep the killer could juggle chainsaws at the taping and I wouldn't notice."
"All right."She gave me the address and wished me luck. I gathered my offspring and we walked out of the weight room and past the front desk.
"So, you becoming a member?" asked Hercules.
I couldn't come up with a single even remotely smart-ass thing to say, so I merely shook my head. This was bad. I really needed sleep.
And as we walked outside and saw the package resting on the hood of my car, I realized that I wasn't going to be getting any rest in the near future.
"Someone left us a present!" Kyle exclaimed. He started to rush forward toward the colorfully-wrapped gift, which was about the size of a milk crate, but I quickly scooped him up by the waist and held him back.
"It's not a kid present, it's a grown-up present," I said, dangling him upside-down to the accompaniment of a severe giggling fit. Realizing that I probably shouldn't be holding my son upside-down when I wasn't in the best physical condition, I returned him to his feet.
"How do you know?"
"I'm smart. I know everything. Roger, go grab the present, will you?"
I'd actually been joking, but Roger crutched his way over to the car and picked up the package. Nothing blew up and no knives shot out of the sides. We all got back in thecar, and after a quick glance around to see if I could spot somebody walking away with wrapping paper and tape tucked under their arm, we drove home.
THE KIDS had been sent to clean their rooms, which I figured would keep them busy for the next few dozen hours. Roger and I sat on the living room couch, while the present rested on the coffee table.
"So what do you think?" Roger asked. "It had to be either Dominick or Linda, right?"
I shrugged. "It's not tough to get a present on the hood of somebody's car. Everyone could have known we were going to be there today, so Carl or Farley could just as easily have been hanging around, too. And who's to say that The Apparition was the killer's only hired help? I don't think finding the present rules out anyone."
"Not even Rachel," said Roger. "She could have had Mr. Muscle put it there while we were distracted."
"Yes, but we're not going to discuss that." I leaned forward and tore off the bow."Pretty big for a video tape."
"Plus it's too heavy for that to be the only thing in there."
"Are you sure you don't want to find a different continent to reside on while I open it?" I asked.
"Quit yapping and do it."
"I don't believe I've ever heard the word `yapping' as part of your vocabulary before. Stress brings out odd things in people, I guess. I once knew this guy who got in a car accident and started to cluck like a—"
"Do it!"
I realized that I was babbling just to delay opening the package, so I apologized and ripped off the wrapping paper. This revealed a bare cardboard box. I used a knife I'd taken from the kitchen to slice through the tape on the lid, and raised the flaps.
Inside it was filled with confetti.
"Enough with the confetti," I muttered.
"Huh?"
"Sorry. There was confetti involved last night."
"And I missed it?"
I wasn't about to reach inside a potentially booby-trapped box and dig around for the tape, so I lifted it from the coffee table and poured the contents out onto the floor.
Confetti only accounted for about two inches on top. The next layer consisted of tacks.
"Good thing you didn't shove your face in there," Roger noted. "I had a really serious temptation to do that, and thank God I resisted."
"Har-har."Next was a layer of those packing bubbles, which I can sit and pop for hours. I pulled that out and set it aside, revealing more confetti. There were probably more tacks under there, or something worse, so I dumped it out onto the floor with the rest.
"Damn it!" I shouted, as a quart-sized plastic sack of black ink tumbled out, landing on the tacks and splattering all over the carpet. The confetti blocked some of the ink, but not nearly enough.
I rushed into the bathroom and grabbed a stack of towels. Using the first towel as protection, I scooped up most of the tacks, then wadded up the towel and set it aside. I pushed the next towel tightly against the carpet, soaking up as much ink as possible,then repeated the procedure with the third and fourth towels. It wasn't wet anymore, but there was now a very large black splotch on our light gray carpet.
"I'mgonna kill him!" I said.
"Weren't those Helen's good towels?" Roger asked.
"She'sgonna kill me!"
I picked up the towels and dumped them in the bathtub for the time being. I needed to focus on the problem at hand, not worry about the future agony to be inflicted upon me by my spouse. I returned to the living room, sat on the ruined carpet, and looked inside the box.
More confetti, but the corner of a videotape was sticking out. I took it out and saw a note taped to it, which I unfolded and read aloud:
"Dearest Andrew, I hope that your hands stop hurting, or that you didn't ruin anything expensive with the ink. I also hope that you enjoy this tape. I made it just for you. Watch carefully, because it will tell you who I am. Figure it out, and the game ends today. You get to be a hero. Have fun!"
"That sounds kind of promising," said Roger. "Maybe he's not such a bad psychopath after all."
I inserted the tape into the VCR and pressed "play," then sat next to Roger on the couch and turned on the television with the remote control.
We watched snow for about thirty seconds, and then a picture appeared. It looked like a setup for a puppet show, with a colorful wooden booth upon which was painted "The Gaggles and Boo-Boo Show!"
Cheery piano music began to play. The sound quality wasn't very good, as if it were coming from a tape player next to the microphone.
"Hey, kids!" said an excessively perky narrator. "Ghoulish Delights is pleased to present The Gaggles and Boo-Boo Show, starring your very best friends Gaggles and Boo-Boo!"
I couldn't recognize the voice for sure, but it kind of sounded like The Apparition.
Two skulls popped into view from behind the stage. Each of them looked like a regular human skull, except that their teeth were filed into sharp fangs. One of them wore a cowboy hat.
"Hi, Gaggles!"The first skull's mouth began to move, and a comically high-pitched voice spoke for it.
"Hi, Boo-Boo!" said the second skull, the one with the hat. It sounded sort of like GroverfromSesameStreet .
"How are you today, Gaggles?"
"I'm fine, Boo-Boo! What do you want to do today?"
"I don't know. Whatdoyou want to do today?"
This was really a sad excuse for theatre. Their mouths didn't even match the words, like some badly dubbed Japanese monster movie.
"I asked you first."
"I asked you second."
"Well, Boo-Boo, why don't we eat somebody?"
"That's a good idea, Gaggles! I love to eat people! Who shall we eat?"