What Men Have to Do about This
It’s very simple, men. If you want to have a decent and fair live-together relationship, you have to start cooking whole entire meals all by yourself on a regular basis. And by “meals,” men, I do not mean “Kraft Cheez Whiz eaten directly from the jar with a spoon.” I mean meals that somebody else would eat. That even your mom would eat.
This is not as hard as you think, men. All you need to do is learn some recipes.
Recipes for Guys
Recipe Number One: Food Heated Up
This dish has long been a specialty of women and the great chefs of Europe, who have learned that, with a few exceptions, such as grape soda, almost all food tastes better when you heat it up. In fact some foods, such as baked potatoes, are very hard to eat any other way.
TO PREPARE: Get enough units of food to feed yourself and the person you are living with. Now select a pot that you feel is the correct size. Now put this pot back and select another one, because the one you selected first was wrong. (Trust me here, guys. In 15 years, I have never once selected an initial pot that my wife did not feel, based on her vastly superior experience and hormonal instinct, was the wrong size.)
Okay. Now try to put the food unit inside the pot. (CULINARY HINT: For extra elegance, try removing the food unit from its can or wrapper first!) If it fits, cook it on top of the stove on “medium” heat until just before it overflows the top and wrecks the stove. If it doesn’t fit into the pot, it’s probably a turkey, a roast, or a ham, which you can tell by counting the number of legs and referring to this convenient chart:
Food Type Number Of Legs Cooking Temperature
Turkey 2 medium
Roast 0 medium
Ham 0 medium
These larger foods should be placed inside the little room under the stove (the “oven”) and cooked on “medium” heat until just before they fill the entire dwelling area with dense acrid smoke.
IMPORTANT NOTE: If the food unit is, in fact, a turkey, be sure to check inside and remove the traditional Surprise Packet of yuckola blobs that is always found in the interiors of deceased frozen turkeys for reasons that nobody can really explain. One theory is that it is placed there as a protest by dissatisfied workers at the turkey manufacturing plant. A more plausible theory is that the blobs are actually dormant baby turkeys. Most savvy chefs immediately throw them into the garbage or flush them down the toilet, which incidentally is how there came to be giant albino turkeys in the New York City sewer system whose only natural enemies are the alligators.
Recipe Number Two: Two Kinds of Food in the Same Meal
Yes! This really is possible! In fact, your extremely advanced chefs will sometimes serve as many as three kinds of food, although I do not recommend that you attempt this yourself.
TO PREPARE: Follow the recipe for Food Heated Up, except use two food units, two pots, two stoves, etc. The trick is to select foods that “complement” each other.
Okay. We’ve covered the two biggest potential problem areas involved in living together, namely dirt and food. This leaves sex, which in the interest of decency we will put in a separate chapter.
Chapter 3. A Frank, Mature, Sensitive, And Caring Discussion Of Human Sexuality With Dirty Pictures
Special Advance Warning to Decent People
I’m afraid that, in this chapter, we must talk about sex in a very explicit manner, because we want to expand the Frontiers of Human Understanding and also we want to sell as many books as possible to adolescent boys. This means we are going to have to use certain highly clinical sexual terms, such as “puberty” and “mollusk”, which can lead to arousal in some instances. So if you have a shred of decency in you, you’ll want to stop reading and go make fudge or something until this chapter is over. You’d better leave right now, because the heavy pornography starts almost immediately after these asterisks.
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Still with us, eh? Ha Ha! Don’t feel ashamed. You’d be surprised at some of the readers we get in this chapter.
Okay. Now that we’ve cleared out the religious fanatics, let’s take a look (so to speak) at ...
The Major Male Sexual Organs
The major male sexual organs are the testaments, the nomads, the doubloons, the inner tubules, the vasal constrictors, the reversion unit, and of course the Main Organ, or “wiener.”
Men are very protective of these organs. This is because Mother Nature decided, apparently as a prank, to place them on the outside of the male body, where they are most likely to get hit by baseballs, or punched by small children, or even—this makes me cringe, just thinking about it—attacked by crazed birds. And what is worse, Mother Nature made these organs extremely sensitive.
You know how women are always talking about the Pain of Childbirth, and how awful it is, and how men will never really understand it? Well, we men don’t wish to make a big deal about this, but if you women really want to experience pain, you ought to try being male and taking a line drive to the privates. Yes sir. When this happens in a professional baseball game, and the player is down on the ground, writhing in agony, obviously clutching his private parts, the color commentator always says to the announcer: “Looks like he had the wind knocked out of him, Ted.” But the male spectators know better, and if you look around you’ll notice that they’re all hunched over protectively, thousands of them, as if a sudden epidemic of Bad Posture Disease has swept through the crowd.
What this means is that, as they are growing up, males develop an attitude about their sexual organs very similar to the one that over-protective, doting parents have about their children. This is not a problem when the organs are young and innocent and basically dormant. But things change drastically when we reach puberty.
Puberty generally occurs in males about two years late. By this I mean it occurs about two years after it occurs in females, which is somewhere around sixth grade. I remember at the end of my fifth-grade year, when we left for summer vacation, and the boys and girls were all just about even in the race for adulthood. But when we got back the next fall, the girls suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, were all a foot taller and had somehow acquired bosoms and God only knew what else. It was as though they had all attended Summer Bosom Camp.
This gives the girls an unfair head start. They get two whole years in which to get used to having sexually advanced bodily parts, and the result is they develop a certain maturity about it, a coolness of judgment, a savoir faire, that they retain for the rest of their lives.
Boys, meanwhile, are condemned to two years of wandering around the corridors of the junior high school, their eyes cruelly positioned by Mother Nature at just about bosom level, and consequently they develop this tremendous yearning to catch up. When puberty finally strikes them, this pent-up desire has become so powerful that they develop erections that last for an average of slightly over three years. You men out there know what I’m talking about. The main reason adolescent males carry school books is they need something to hold in front of them.