Harry looked quizzical, and Snape gritted his teeth. "Spare me your smut, Black."
"Jealous?"
Remus stepped in before Severus could answer. "Sirius, I doubt you want to get into this kind of comparison with a Slytherin. Remember what Missy Rogers told you?"
"Oh." Sirius scowled. "Right."
Snape blinked. Who was - ? Oh, yes. Rogers. A Slytherin the year behind him. But what did she have to do withтАж?
Remus stepped over to Snape, who managed (barely) to control his flinch. The werewolf lowered his voice confidingly. "Sirius dated Missy for a few weeks our sixth year. When they broke up, she made some comments about his, er, prowess, and told him that, ah, the Slytherin mascot had special тАУ uh тАУ meaning for the males in your House. That they were taught special spells to тАУ er тАУ emulate a serpent with, erm, a certain part of their anatomy and that, uh," Remus was a brilliant red, but he gamely continued his whispered explanation, "well, it was hard for a girl to go back after having had a Slytherin boy. Sirius sulked for three days straight."
Snape's eyes were wide, and only his stern control prevented him from clutching himself. That was what the other Houses said about Slytherin? Where the hell had he been when those spells were being taught?
"A few weeks later, Missy told me she'd made it all up, just to teach Sirius a lesson, but somehow I never quite got around to sharing the news with him." Remus grinned at Snape's expression. "It's good to keep Sirius feeling a little humble."
"He's never figured it out?" Snape asked, stunned.
"Well, he tried to get his brother to teach him the spells, but of course he and Regulus were estranged by then, so Reg just told him to sod off." Remus' eyes were crinkled as he held back his laughter, and Snape suddenly found it hard to despise the creature quite as much as he had.
Sirius had gone back to talking to Harry after Remus interrupted his little spat with Snape, and now he gave another bark of laughter. "Sure, you can learn to be an animagus, Harry. I mean, your dad did, so why not you? We weren't much older than you when we started to learn."
"My dad was an animagus? Cool! Do you get to choose your form? 'Cause I want to be a talking snake."
The words were met with a moment of shocked silence, then Snape took two steps forward. "A talking snake? What do you mean by that?" he demanded, the back of his neck prickling with dread. Sirius and Remus exchanged worried glances.
"You know," Harry explained innocently, "since wizards can talk to snakes, I think that'd be a wicked choice. You'd get to be an animal but you could still talk to people who weren't animaguses."
"Animagi," Snape corrected automatically, his mind racing. Sirius and Remus were looking at each other in horror. "You can talk to snakes?"
Harry nodded.
"Show me." Snape abruptly conjured a snake. Startled, the Marauders pulled out their own wands, but before they could do anything, Harry had stepped forward. "Hello," he said politely to the hissing cobra. "It's nice to meet you. My name is Harry."
"A ssspeaker!! Hello, ssspeaker," the snake dipped its head in welcome. "Why have you ssummoned me?"
"My guardian wanted to see me talk to you. I hope you don't mind."
"No, not at all. Is there anyone you would like me to bite before I go?"
"No, thank you. But do you think you could find your way to Surrey? I have тАУ" But Snape, having heard enough, had banished the snake, and now all three adults were staring at Harry.
"What?" he asked, then realized he was still speaking Snake. "Sorry. What is it?"
"He's a Parselmouth?" Sirius gulped, looking a bit sick. "When did that happen?"
"If anyone finds outтАж" Remus looked worriedly at Snape. "The reaction could be bad. People can be very cruel."
Snape nodded absently, busy calculating all the benefits this talent could bring, if handled properly. Perhaps Harry could challenge the Dark Lord for mastery of his familiar Nagini? Or obtain his own, even more powerful, snake familiar? Hmmm. How long did it take to grow a basiliskтАж.?
"Snape!" Sirius was hugging Harry protectively, and the boy was beginning to look worried. "What are we going to do about this?"
"Obviously this needs to be kept a secret," Snape replied, giving Sirius a killer glare. "And by that I mean a real secret. Not like your ridiculous animagus form."
"Why? What's wrong with talking to snakes?" Harry demanded.
"It is a very rare and powerful talent," Snape replied before either Marauder could. "The fewer people who know it, the more value it will be in your fight against the Dark Lord. Keeping it a secret is therefore in your best interests and will help you protect yourself and your friends better. You don't ever want to allow Him to harm Ron and Hermione again, do you?"
Harry shook his head, eyes wide. "I won't tell anyone. You won't either, will you?" he appealed to Sirius and Remus.
"No! Not a soul," Sirius swore, hugging him again.
"Not even Dumbledore?" Remus asked.
"NO!" Harry yelled, just as Snape shook his head. The Gryffindors looked at Harry in surprise.
"Why not tell the Headmaster?" Remus asked Harry. "Don't you like him?"
Harry shrugged awkwardly, looking at the floor. "He's nice an' all, and he always gives me lollies, but he didn't help Mr Black an' тАУ"
"Mr Black!" Sirius repeated in horror. "What did you call me that for?"
Harry looked at him nervously. "I'm sorry. What do you want me to call you, sir?"
"Sir! Did you just call me sir?!" Sirius' yell was even louder, and Harry began to look frightened.
Rolling his eyes, Snape stepped forward and pulled Harry away from Black. "Stop screaming like a first year Hufflepuff," he ordered brusquely, draping one arm over the brat's shoulder. "You never told the boy what to call you, so don't be alarmed when he demonstrates that he has been taught appropriate courtesy."
"Yes, but 'Sir' or 'Mr Black'?" Sirius demanded pitifully. "You can't be serious."
"No, that would be you," Remus put in, chuckling, only to be hit by glares from the others.
"Harry, can't you call me Sirius? Or Padfoot?" he asked hopefully.
"Erm, okay, Padfoot," Harry agreed timidly. "I didn't mean to make you mad."
"I'm not mad, Harry; it's justтАж I want to be your friend. Not some random adult in your life, okay? I mean, how many godfathers do you have?"
Harry smiled.
"And you can call me Remus or Moony, Harry," Lupin put in. "And we won't tell Professor Dumbledore anything, okay?"
"Thanks!" Harry exclaimed in relief. He still didn't trust Dumbledore not to ship him back to the Dursleys if he thought Harry was too weird for Hogwarts. "So when c'n I learn to become a snake?"
"Well, Harry, it doesn't exactly work like that. You don't get to choose your animagus form. Sorry," Sirius explained apologetically.
Harry pouted. "But what if my form is something stupid?"
"It's still wicked to be an animal, Harry," Sirius coaxed. "Not everyone can do it, you know."
Harry looked over at his professor. "Can you?"
"No," Snape admitted coldly.
"Then maybe we could learn together!" Harry said excitedly.
Snape nearly snorted in derision. Black, willing to teach him something? That would be the day!
"Yeah, okay," Sirius agreed, ignoring Snape's shocked expression. "Then you can help each other practice. It was easier for James and Peter and me to learn together."