Portkeys, Polyjuice, and Harry's invisibility cloak were considered and discarded, and then Sirius started to grin. "I've got it!" he exclaimed.
"Got what?" Snape demanded irritably. "Fleas?"
"The perfect solution to our problem," Sirius assured him airily. "What if Moony and I handed over the chore to someone else?"
The Potion Master rolled his eyes at this further example of Black's idiocy. "And if this person should betray us to the authorities? Or feel sorry for the 'poor little Muggles'? What then?"
"I can guarantee neither of those things will happen," Sirius grinned. "Kreacher!"
To Snape's surprise, a hideous little house elf popped into existence. "What does horrible, wicked, disgusting Master Blood Traitor want now?" it demanded of Sirius in tones of utter loathing.
"I told you not to call me that!" Sirius exclaimed in annoyance.
The creature sneered. "Yes, Master Blood Traitor."
Black looked like he was sorely tempted to boot the thing through the wall, but a warning rumble from Moony held him back and recalled him to the task at hand. "Kreacher," he started again, forcing his tone to be bright and cheerful, "I have a task for you."
The elf spat to one side, narrowly missing Snape's foot. "And what can Kreacher do for vile Master Blood Traitor and his useless, stupid friends?"
"How would you like to go torture a family of Muggles for me?" Sirius offered enticingly.
Kreacher blinked in shock. "Has Master Blood Traitor finally seen the light and mended his wicked ways? Oh, Mistress will be so pleased!" The little elf broke into a smile that was even more frightening than his scowl. "Yes, Kreacher would like to torture Muggles! How very nice of Master to think of Kreacher! What can Kreacher do to thank Master?"
"Now it's just the one family," Sirius cautioned. "I don't want you torturing any other MugglesтАж at least not until you've proven you can do a good job. Understand?"
Kreacher nodded frantically, reminding the bemused Snape of a (more) demented Dobby. "Yes, Master. Yes, yes, yes! Kreacher understands! Kreacher will do a very good job! Kreacher can be trusted by Master to torture the nasty Muggles for him!"
"Good," Black sat back with a pleased sigh. "I've been torturing them myself all these months, and I'm getting a bit tired."
"Oh, Kreacher can help!" the old elf promised quickly. "Kreacher is very, very proud of Master! Master has been torturing Muggles for months and bad, wicked Kreacher has still been spitting in his drinks and calling him Blood Traitor. Bad, bad Kreacher!"
"Yeah, well, go get us some fire whiskey but no spitting this time!" Black admonished.
"Oh, no, Master. No more spitting! And then will Master tell Kreacher all about these bad Muggles and what Master would like Kreacher to do to them?"
"I supposeтАж" Black allowed, and with a whimper of glee, the house elf vanished.
"He's been spitting in your food?" Snape asked, nauseated.
Black shrugged. "Only after trying poison first. We figured that one out pretty quickly though - one of the benefits of having a roommate with a supernatural sense of smell," he nodded at Remus, who waved a hand modestly. "So, any questions?"
Snape had to admit this seemed to solve the problem handily. "Fine. And you will join us at Hogwarts in the next few weeks?"
Both nodded. "You'll be all right until then?" Remus asked. "It's clear that the Death Eaters are still after Harry."
"I'll start the boy's summer lessons once we get back. That will keep him too busy to worry."
Sirius shuddered. "Summer lessons! You really are a bastard, Snape!"
The Potion Master smirked proudly. He still had it.
TBCтАж
*Chapter 54*: Chapter 54
Snape took Harry back to Hogwarts the next morning, and within another week most of the other faculty had returned as well. Then Black and Lupin arrived, much to Harry's delight. Severus was secretly pleased as well, as the chance to practice new spells on his overly tolerant godfather made Harry a very eager pupil. So eager in fact that Snape began teaching him spells that he really shouldn't have.
The other professors were at first amused, then bemused, then finally resigned as over the next several weeks, Sirius ended up with green hair, pink hair, purple skin, donkey ears, and other interesting physiognomic changes. Then came the abrupt changes to his clothing, impairments to his abilities to walk, talk, hear, and see, strange compulsions тАУ such as clucking like a chicken every time a house elf appearedтАж the list went on and on.
Sirius was delighted by the evidence that his godson had inherited the Marauder talent for mischief and seemed not to have noticed that he was Harry's only target. Severus was gleeful at his ability to exact an indirect revenge for every meticulously remembered affront during his schooldays. Remus was extremely relieved that he did not have a similar target on his forehead. Albus was eager to take the pranks as proof that Harry's "high spirits" had not been irrevocably crushed or twisted by the Dursleys. Harry was thrilled that everyone seemed to be pleased with him.
And Minerva was growing quietly livid.
Matters finally came to a head when Snape was striding down one of the castle corridors, pleasantly plotting what he could encourage Harry to do next. Abruptly, a small, coal black puppy came skidding around the corner and hurtled towards him.
Snape stopped in surprise. The dog must surely belong to Hagrid, but it was surprisingly cute and harmless for one of his creatures.
Snape's opinion of the little beast changed as the puppy reached him and immediately began worrying his pantsleg, complete with fierce puppy growls. "Stop that!" Snape ordered sharply, pushing the little creature away with his foot.
He was careful not to kick the puppy тАУ he might be an ex-Death Eater, but even he wasn't that nasty тАУ but he did give it a sharp nudge. "Bad dog!"
The puppy looked up at him and barked, as if making a rude reply, then dove for his ankle again.
"No! Bad dog!" Snape thundered as he heard his trousers tear, and sure enough the puppy smugly lifted his head, a long strip of black material dangling from his tiny jaws.
Snape cursed and grabbed for the slippery creature, which managed to evade his grasp then caught a mouthful of his robe.
"NO!"
Too late. Another rending noise and then the puppy was dancing away, leaving the edge of Snape's favorite robe in tatters.
"You horrible little тАУ " Snape thought briefly of hexing the pup, but in the end merely seized him by the scruff of the neck and hoisted him aloft.
The puppy yelped in surprise as Snape gave him a brief shake. "Bad, bad dog!" he snarled through gritted teeth before tucking the dog under his arm. "I could use puppy parts in several potions, you know," he told the little cur as he set off again, this time heading for the castle doors and Hagrid's hut.
The puppy howled as if he could understand the threat, and Snape snapped, "Silence!" He put one hand around the dog's muzzle to quiet it, and let out a yelp of his own as needle-sharp puppy teeth closed in the webspace between fingers and thumb.
He swore loudly and imaginatively, even as he snatched his hand free and once again grabbed the puppy by its scruff. Then he smacked it soundly on its hindquarters. "BAD DOG!"
The puppy howled as if it was being disemboweled, and he smacked it again. "QUIET!"
"Da!" Harry skidded around the corner. "You found him!"