“Galvanize yourself,” he whispered. He tried calling Alec, knowing it to be futile. But Alec answered.
“Ah,” Raul said, “so I have finally reached you.”
“I was staying at Richard’s.”
“I see. Your mother didn’t give you my messages?”
“No, no. She didn’t.”
Raul laughed mildly. “Don’t be angry, Alec.”
“I shouldn’t, eh?”
“No.”
“You want forgiveness? I can’t. I will never forgive you for this.”
“Forgive me for what?” Raul shrieked. “For what? What the fuck did I do wrong?”
“Come on, Raul, you know what you did.”
“What? You think I intentionally took her away from you?”
“Something like that, yes.”
Raul sighed. “All right. Look, I don’t wanna talk about it over the phone. Can you meet me at the Castle before rehearsal?”
Pause. “I’ll meet you in front of the theater after school.”
“However you want to say it.”
Raul arranged to meet Barbara at five, so he had an hour, if he talked Alec into being late for rehearsal, to speak to him. This day passed more quickly, more painlessly, than others: the preoccupation of his mind blurred the boredom.
It was a beautiful, mild spring day, the kind of weather that suited the campus. The calm in the air and the tension within him contrasted sweetly. That fundamental knowledge he always had, but that seemed lost lately, returned. There was a consciousness in the light breezes and in the sorrow he felt that above all this something more precious was to be sought. Often he ironically called this the knowledge of his destiny.
His perspective returned. Alec’s anger was a furious little boy’s; Raul indulged in a terribly human desire. He laughed at him for being childish. How far off he, Raul, had strayed: all that had happened was off the point. The afternoon was only a matter of appeasement.
His quiet smiles came back; the whimsical, confident Raul gave him his objectivity, and his security returned. His camera hovered above him, and like a movie four o’clock came. The great mouth of the school opened and poured out its students; Raul filtered out with this loud mass. He was up the steps, and the rhythm of movement that carried him there halted abruptly as his and Alec’s eyes met.
The world centered between them, as students hurried about, hollering trivia. They said nothing but turned aside, walking away from the school. They walked silently until the noise of the school receded to nothing behind them.
The low whispering of the leaves, the clear, gentle air made Raul content to say nothing. They lit cigarettes, Alec offering his lighter to Raul. Alec asked, “Okay. What is it?”
Raul sighed. “Look. Let me speak. Don’t interrupt. I want to explain.”
“Okay.”
“I was very stoned that night, and all that nonsense Barbara told me about her father moved me. I don’t know if it was pity or compassion — that doesn’t matter, though.” He paused. “And when she complained about her fingers, it just seemed natural, you know…”
Alec hissed in dissatisfaction. Raul looked at him, surprised. “What?”
“I don’t wanna hear that you were stoned. That’s a lousy excuse.”
“What d’ya mean that’s a lousy excuse? Come on, man, weren’t you stoned?”
“I’m not saying you weren’t stoned. I’m saying…Raul, you and I both know that being stoned doesn’t eliminate knowing right from wrong.”
Raul smiled at Alec’s sarcasm. “I can’t plead not guilty because of insanity, is that it?” Raul asked, laughing.
Alec said nothing. His face tightened because of his annoyance at Raul’s laughter.
Raul quieted under Alec’s displeasure. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to laugh.” They walked on. “So what is it you intend to do?” Raul asked finally. “Not see me any more?”
“No, not that,” Alec said softly. “I’ll see you, but it will never be the same. I trusted you. I trusted you more than any other person, and you’ve betrayed me. There’s a wall between us from this, and it will never come down.”
Raul blanched at the clichés but was confused by the sincerity of his tone. Could he be serious with that nonsense? Suddenly Raul became amazingly annoyed; he was surprised at the rush of emotion. Is Alec seriously going to break this relationship with a pack of clichés? If one were to drop all pretense of modesty, this relationship is based on Art and Immortality. And this is what he’s sacrificing it to?
They walked on, Raul thinking. The silence that followed Alec’s speech gave it more weight. The air was heavy, and Raul discovered a mounting anger at the soap- opera tone. Suddenly he turned, facing Alec, and said, “What a bunch of bullshit! That’s real wholesome crap.”
The incongruity struck them both. The scene was hilarious: Alec speaking solemnly, Raul, apparently moved, walks on thinking, turns suddenly and screams it’s bullshit. Viewed peripherally, it was hysterical. And their eyes began to laugh, but Alec’s quickly changed. I will not be seduced, they said.
“Okay,” Alec said quietly. “Fine.”
Raul sighed. “Look, it’s crazy. What the hell are you angry about?”
Alec’s eyes met Raul’s with equanimity. “All right, I’ll tell you,” he said calmly. “I don’t like your using my house, my grass, pretending to be doing it for me, for a seduction.”
“What!” Raul shrieked. “Do you think I intentionally invited her there to seduce her?”
Alec nodded.
“You’re outta your fuckin’ mind, do you know that?” he yelled. “You’re sick!”
“That’s possible.”
“That’s possible,” Raul mimicked. “That’s possible. Your sarcasm’s really cute. I appreciate it.”
“So is yours.”
“Look, Alec, it just happened. Really, it just happened. I don’t care whether or not you believe I was too stoned to know better, but I didn’t, I swear to hell I didn’t, invite her there for me.”
“Okay.”
“You don’t believe me?”
“It doesn’t matter whether I do or not, what you did was still wrong.”
Raul sighed again.
“Look,” Alec said, “at least you didn’t have to do it while I was there.”
“Alec, I didn’t know what I was doing.”
“And then did you have to lie like that? I mean, you must have thought I was an idiot. You wanted material for a short story, that’s why you wanted to take her to your house.”
Raul blushed to his soul. “I kinda thought it was.” He laughed. “Believe it or not.”
Alec looked Raul full in the face. “Why did you lie like that?”
Raul looked away from him. “I don’t know why,” he said. “I was embarrassed or something. I don’t know. I was confused. I really didn’t know what I was doing.”
Alec looked away.
Raul strained under the futility of his words. In any argument between two people who are close, an unlikely explanation is enough. One acts as if one is terribly weak, receives a lecture and forgiveness. Somehow he couldn’t do it; he wasn’t organizing his words correctly. How could he? He really had acted unconsciously, and what he had done was not that awful.
“What do you want from me, Alec? I’m sorry, I really am. It happened, what can I say? I’m sorry, but what could I do? And what are you so angry about? I mean, I didn’t plan it. So you can’t be angry about that. Look, I’m sorry, Alec. It was silly of me, but it happened.”
“That’s not enough,” Alec said.
Raul pleaded, yelled, reasoned, with no result. Alec’s opposition was unreasonable; it seemed that he wished the relationship over. Could it have meant so little to him?
Slowly Raul lost his confidence. He was frightened: it would really end. He was running scared now, his hysterical pleading only making Alec more distant. He knew that his haste was working against him. He had to stop and think.