The sheer amount of loss on her face struck him dumb. There was nothing he could say to fix it, or even understand. His deadbeat mother had taken off when he was a kid, but he’d had Aunt Rose. She was as steady as the Mississippi and healthy as a horse. Luke wasn’t always easy on her—even now—but he couldn’t imagine a life where she was gone. “I’m sorry.”
“It was a long time ago.”
Maybe, but her feelings about the whole thing obviously hadn’t faded over the years. Even though he’d promised himself that he wouldn’t pry until she was ready, he couldn’t help asking, “Is that why you’re over here? Because of your mother?”
“Partly.” Alexis wiped at her eyes, and because she was trying so hard to pretend there weren’t tears there, he followed her lead. She tucked the picture back into her bag. “My mother was so strong and in love with life, all the way up to the end. Some people go through cancer treatments and become bitter and angry, but not her. If she could hold on to that happiness even when she knew she wasn’t going to make it, it kind of puts a lot of things into perspective, you know? I should be able to do the same thing.”
“What—”
“I’m not dying.” She gave him a half smile. “But I used to be a lot more like her, and in the last few years, I’ve let…stuff…weigh me down until it felt like I was underwater. So I’m reclaiming myself, a little piece at a time, with the added bonus of feeling closer to her.”
She might not be pouring her heart out to him, but she was giving him a glimpse of what she’d been thinking coming over here. And hell, he’d judged her too quickly. If Aunt Rose died, wouldn’t he want to hold her memory close in any way he could? It wouldn’t require a trip halfway across the world, but this journey wasn’t his. It was Alexis’s. “So, Cork?”
“When my sister and I were little, my mom used to read us Irish fairy tales. It might seem kind of silly now, but with the way she told them, it was hard not to believe in magic and faeries and good-luck charms.” She pulled her hair over her shoulder and absently started braiding it. “The Blarney Stone, in particular, always fascinated me. I’ve always wanted to be able to speak up and say the right thing in any given moment. It’s not one of my skills.”
Luke snorted. “You could have fooled me.” When she frowned, he said, “Darlin’, you’ve been speaking up and putting me in my place since the day we met.”
“That’s different. You’re different.”
“Or maybe you’re not giving yourself enough credit.” He moved on before she could argue with him. “And the cliff?”
“My mom wasn’t afraid of anything.” She shrugged. “There were probably simpler ways of going about it, but I stumbled across a picture of Pulpit Rock last year, and even that was enough to lock me up in fear. I made it my screen saver. I promised myself I’d go there one day, climb it, and touch the edge.”
God, this woman was amazing. She’d systematically picked out parts of herself that she found lacking and done what she felt necessary to change them. He shifted up to the bed, since the floor was hurting his knee, and considered pointing out that she’d already started conquering her demons before she’d ever gotten on a plane. “Where to next?”
She hesitated and then reached into her bag and pulled out the picture. “Here.”
It made sense that she’d want to visit the last place she had evidence of her parents being healthy and happy. It made his heart ache a little. “Want some company?”
“What?”
“Well, I’ve always had a thing for The Sound of Music.”
Alexis laughed. “You are such a liar.”
Yeah, he was. He’d seen the movie once, under protest, and been dragged to the live play another time by his auntie. But he liked that Alexis was now grinning and the shadows were gone from her face. “You’re coming across very judgmental right now.”
“You’d know.” She sobered. “Luke—”
It was now or never. “Look, darlin’, I know I might have a funny way of showing it sometimes, but I like you. I think you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you’re sexy as fuck.” He took a deep breath, feeling curiously like he was walking on a tightrope. “I’m not ready to end this. So if you’re okay with it, I’d like to come with you to Austria.”
She searched his face, and he had the insane thought that now was the time to fully come clean. She’d be pissed, really pissed. She might even walk away from him for good—which was no more than he deserved.
He couldn’t do it. Not yet.
Alexis finally sat back. “You know, I kind of like you, too. Most of the time.”
He could hardly believe what he was hearing. He’d hoped, of course, but part of him had already resigned itself to having to chase her ass to Austria when she left him again. He’d hoped after her declaration in the shower, admitting that she couldn’t get enough of him either, but that was sex. Hearing that she was starting to like him, too? It settled something in his chest and lessened the tension in his bones. He managed to keep his expression neutral, but only barely. “So that’s that, then?”
“I guess so.” She grinned. “Let’s go to Austria.”
Chapter Twelve
Alexis couldn’t get off the plane fast enough. Every time she moved through the short two-hour flight, her shoulder or knee brushed against Luke and set off a chain reaction of desire through her body. After his blowing her mind seven ways to Sunday in the shower last night, he’d backed off and hadn’t whispered so much as a dirty word.
It felt like the entire dynamic between them had shifted, and she wasn’t sure what to do with it. Letting him tag along to Austria had been a mistake, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that he was starting to understand what she wanted to accomplish with this trip. There had been something almost like respect in his eyes last night.
But she still hadn’t told him the truth.
Not all of it.
It was so stupid. Luke obviously understood what it was like to lose a vital part of himself and keep on kicking. If anyone could understand what she’d gone through—and what she was trying to reclaim—it would be him.
All she had to do was open her mouth and say those damning words. I had cancer. I beat it, but it took a bloody chunk out of me in the process. I can’t have kids. Hell, there’s no guarantee the cancer won’t come back and finish the job at some point. That was the difference between them. He’d battled his demons. Maybe he hadn’t conquered them yet, but he would—because they were in the past.
Hers could reappear at any moment.
She couldn’t live her life fearing that, though. There were no guarantees, for either the good or the bad, and she’d spent the last year missing out on all sorts of experiences because fear had been in the driver’s seat.
No more.
She shouldered her backpack and headed for security, Luke matching her every step of the way. A cab would be the fastest way to the hotel, and then… Then she didn’t know. It was too late in the day to try for the tour, but the thought of wandering around with him glowering beside her made her skin feel too tight. All she’d wanted when she got here was some time alone to figure her issues out, and it seemed like she’d barely gotten a moment to breathe since landing in Ireland. Nothing about this trip was going as planned.
In some ways, it had gone better. Would she have reclaimed that part of herself that made her feel so…womanly…if she hadn’t run into Luke in the alley? Her transformation wasn’t anywhere near finished, but it had started that night in Cork when she’d met him every step of the way and goaded him into taking her back to his room. It was a move she never would have made back home in Wellingford.