“Jesus, Les.” I reached over to put my hand on his, but he stood and took his cup to the stove and poured himself the last of the coffee.
“And I kept thinking of my own son, of Nate, and I vowed for the hundredth time I would take such good care of him he’d never have to get that desperate. Get that turned around.” Lester looked out the screen door, standing there tall and barefoot, his shirt hanging out of his jeans, his shoulders hunched slightly. There was something about him I’d never seen before, only felt, a goodness behind all the sadness in his eyes, maybe an acceptance for all we could never quite be, him included.
“I need to go home for a while today.”
I nodded, but something dark and hollow opened up inside me.
“I need to explain things to Carol better. And Nate and Bethany. I should be home when they come back from school.” He looked down at his hands and I was thinking how he’d just used the word “home” twice in a few seconds.
“It’s okay, Lester. I’ll go catch a movie or something and catch you when you get back.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“Yes you do.” And I put on a smile, went over and kissed him, opening my mouth against his, but he cut it short and climbed up to the loft to get his shoes and all I wanted to know was this: was he telling himself he didn’t deserve me so he could leave me? Was he leaving me?But the question was so ugly inside me I was afraid if I asked it out loud it would come to life between us with claws and fangs.
We were quiet as we walked through the woods to the cars. I was sweating, and I was sure I must smell bad. At his station wagon, Les turned to me, then both his hands were holding my face and he kissed me hard and dry, said he’d see me later, and he got into his car and I backed mine out so he could leave.
I sat on the porch in the morning shade and smoked my last cigarette. My mouth and throat felt like one long ash, and my fingers were shaking a little, though I didn’t know if that was from last night’s drinking, today’s coffee and nicotine, or thinking now that Lester’s pain about his kids was so bad he really wouldn’t be coming back at all.
I drove the Bonneville to a mini-grocery gas station off the Cabrillo Highway and bought two Diet Cokes and three packs of cigarettes. It was still morning, but the sun was so bright off the white facade of the small building it hurt my brain just looking at it. I watched the sunlit cars and jeeps and vans go by, the people inside them young and cheerful-looking, and I pictured driving straight into them all. But no car was moving fast enough to do the job, to do more than just ruin the gift Frank had given me and Nick, my only asset now; no one was going fast enough to obliterate me.And that’s what I wanted: obliteration. Decimation. Just an instant smear of me right out of all this rising and falling and nothing changing that feels like living.
My hangover had settled deep and black into me. I started to feel afraid of everything that moved: the traffic in front of me, the gas station attendant pumping gas into a jeep, a lone kite hovering so tiny above the ocean, my own hand as I raised another cigarette to my lips.
I put the car in gear and made my way onto the beach highway heading north. I turned on the radio, but a DJ was hawking a free trip to Cancún, his voice full of good cheer, and I switched him off, the air-conditioning too. I rolled down the window and let the beach wind blow into my face. I drove through Half Moon Bay for El Granada and thought of Lester’s story of the Filipino boy, then I pictured him hugging his own two kids, his small son and daughter, and remorse moved through me so hot and thick my stomach felt queasy. I hadn’t thought about any of this the way the kids would. I only pictured them at my house laughing and playing, eating meals I cooked for them, sleeping in Nick’s old practice room. Now I imagined them crying themselves to sleep at night, and I stubbed out my cigarette and lit another. I drank from my Diet Coke, but it was just sweet empty chemicals down my throat, and I felt myself get shaky knowing that I’d been too weak to keep my situation in my own lap, and now I was letting myself have a huge part in destroying someone else’s family. As I drove through Montara, heading north for Point San Pedro and Corona, I tried to do what they used to encourage in Group: ask yourself the questions in life that scare you the most. But I already knew the answer; I knew why I had gotten drunk last night, was smoking so much again, and why I was sleeping with Lester Burdon: losing my father’s house had been the final shove in a long drift to the edge, and I thought about calling Connie Walsh again, just tell her to sue the county for as much as she could get. But that would take months, maybe years, and still my father’s only heirloom to Frank and me would be gone and even though it was just a little place in a low-rent beach town, I refused to be the one in the family who had let it slip away.
I started driving faster and kept seeing my mother’s face, a different look of hers this time, one she’d sometimes give me after Nick and I were married and rationally recovered, both working, when at a family gathering—a christening or a birthday, or Sunday dinner—I’d catch her watching me; I would just glance over and see her taking me in, her lips parted but slightly bunched, like she wasn’t quite sure what to think. Had she been wrong about me? Was I actually going to turn out all right? And somehow her watching me, looking like she was holding her breath doing it, was also me watching myself. I was her and she was me, and I couldn’t stand not tolerating my own company, not tolerating the very center of me.
The beach wind through the driver’s window was warm and I could smell car exhaust and seaweed. I was sweating under my clothes, sweating out the beer and last night’s nicotine. I wondered if Lester, in his drunkenness, had come inside me. I felt suddenly close to crying, and I didn’t know if that meant I loved him or not. I didn’t know. I needed badly to take a long shower.
As I drove into downtown Corona, slowly passing the one-or two-story shops, the glare of the sun off their windows making my eyes ache even with the sunglasses on, I thought about renting a motel room for the day just to recoup. But recoup for what? More waiting? More sliding over the dark edge? Instead I drove out to my Colma River residential, the divorced accountant’s house, and let myself in. I showered in the downstairs bathroom, wishing my suitcase was still in the car. Maybe I should have taken all my things from the fish camp, put them back in storage, and just let Les off the hook completely.
I towel-dried my hair and walked naked down the hall into the daughter’s room. Sunlight came through the sliding glass door to her small deck overlooking the river, and her bed was made. Propped against the pillows was a Cabbage Patch doll, a stuffed Garfield cat, and two teddy bears. I walked barefoot over the carpet, opened her top bureau drawer, and pulled out a pair of rolled yellow cotton panties. They were a little tight around my hips, but clean. I snapped on my bra, stepped into my loose khaki work shorts that still smelled like mosquito repellent and wood smoke, and used the blow dryer on her dresser to dry and feather my hair. Then I opened the rest of the drawers, pulled out an oversized turquoise T-shirt from Fisherman’s Wharf, and put it on, telling myself I would return it clean and folded. In the mirror my face looked pale, my eyes tired. There was a purple cosmetics bag on the dresser, and I poked around inside until I found some eyeliner and blush. The blush was too pink for me, so I thumbed away as much as I could, but it still showed. It was a color cheerleaders wore, so bright and instantly cheerful their faces could sometimes look almost fluorescent. It was okay if I looked cheerful, but I didn’t want to look cheap, not for the colonel’s wife. Somewhere between the fish camp and here I’d decided that’s who I had to talk to. If she really didn’t know the situation, then I would tell her. Just drive up there, wait for her husband to leave, and talk. No threats. No men shoving their weight around. Just two women talking out our problem.
I went back to the bathroom, folded the damp towel neatly over the rack near the sink, then opened the medicine cabinet and shook four Anacins out of their bottle, tipping my head back and swallowing them dry one at a time. Outside, a car drove up nearby, the engine shutting off, and I held my breath and didn’t move. The car door slammed, then I heard the door of the next house down open and shut and I let out my breath. I took one last look around the bathroom, put on my sunglasses, and left, thinking this is wrong; it’s so wrong to invade someone else’s home.