5. T. A parking space will be invented if there isn’t one.
6. T. As long as you are greasing his palm.
7. T. And also to your purse.
8. T. The heavier the accent, the more expensive the ride.
9. F. If you answered T, you’re in for a surprise.
10. F. Maybe after two a.m.
11. F. Your car is never safe in Rio.
12. T. If not trying to open it up.
13. T. Always carry extra money for a bus.
14. F. Only before the fourth one.
15. F. Not since the 1970s.
16. F. The beach is yours twenty-four hours a day!
17. F. A batucada is the use of anything available as a
percussion instrument.
18. F. Cariocas love to make fun of them.
19. F. Eight a.m. is more like it (in time for work).
20. F. Anybody who can reach the counter will be served.
21. F. Motels are for SEX!! If you are tired, you should go home.
22. T. And it snows in Rio.
23. F. And it snows in Brasilia.
24. T. Very much so.
25. T. Very much so.
26. T. Very much so.
27. T. Very much so, there is always some scheme going on.
28. T. Very much so, probably the most popular of all sports in Rio.
29. F. Yeah, right…
30. F. Yeah, right…
Results of the Carioca IQ test
Aí, beleza mermão! (Hey, cool buddy!) It’s time to sell the farm and move to the big city. You are definitely a true Carioca at heart.
You are headed on the right track. Try eating a few more day-old coxinhas de galinha at the boteco, and your score will improve, viu?
Aí! Qualé, seu gringo? (Hey! What’s up, you gringo?) Pull those polyesters back out of your closet, strap on your camera, and take a taxi to Corcovado. You are indeed a tourist, pal.
Lesson 24
So You Want to Stay…
If the thought of going back to your six-digit corporate position and those payments on your house in the burbs is making you a «bit» tense, your next Step is obvious. Go ahead. Put your finger on that dial and tell your boss that you are staying in paradise, saying «Tchau» to your high- pressured job, and are kissing that tenth floor office (with a window) good-bye. It’s time you lived like a true Carioca. The following initial Steps should help you get settled in the Cidade Maravilhosa:
Step 1. Rent an apartment
Your first Step towards living like a Carioca will be to rent a two-bedroom apartment. (You don’t want all those friends and family members who will be coming for extended visits to sleep on the floor, do you?) Be sure it has an ocean view and a veranda — so that you can appreciate the sites — and is situated no less than four blocks from the beach in the Zona Sul.
Living in a Carioca apartment you will be sharing your elevator with the other twelve apartments on your floor. Considered a bonus, sharing an elevator will offer you those optimum opportunities to meet your neighbors. Who knows? You could get in the elevator and find that special someone who, by chance, is taking his or her pet out for a walk. (Refer back to Lesson 16, «Carioca Romance.») Which reminds me, it is always wise to measure the elevator before signing that contract. You don’t want to have the unpleasant surprise of finding that, when it comes time to walk your pet, you have to use the stairs. Of course, unless you want to scrimp on aerobics classes and prefer running up several flights of stairs when the electricity is cut off, it is always a good idea to consider a lower floor when choosing your apartment.
A touch of Bauhaus: No need for those nasty interior decorating bills either. Designed for efficiency, the Carioca apartment will require very little furniture — a few pillows on the floor and a fan should do fine for the living room, while a bed and chair (to stack your clothes on) in the bedrooms should do the trick. The curtain rod in the shower works beautifully for those items still lingering on in your wardrobe that might need hanging.
If by chance you are an entomologist, you will be delighted with the variety of species your apartment will be furnished with. Then again, if you’re not, don’t panic. It’s nothing an old shoe can’t take care of.
Step 2. Meet your doorman
The first Step you should take after renting an apartment is to develop a relationship with the porteiro [poh ‘tay rroo] (doorman), without a doubt the most important person in the building. Porteiros are not Cariocas; they come from the Northeast of Brazil. If not in the garage washing cars, in one of the apartments having a cafezinho with a maid, or at the entrance reading someone else’s newspaper, a porteiro can usually be found in his living quarters with his wife and three children watching television. Greet him by saying the following:
«Е aí, mermão? Beleza?»:
«So hey, buddy? Everything cool?»
That way you will be guaranteed having your newspaper delivered by noon, your car «washed» daily, and your mail deposited on your doorstep at least twice a week. Also, because he is the only person who knows everyone in the building, your porteiro will be indispensable for:
• telling you if that gata upstairs has a boyfriend
• telling you if that gatão downstairs has a girlfriend
• letting you know that your galera came by while you were out
• doing very minor fix-ups in your apartment
• bringing the groceries up (especially if the electricity is off or the elevator is being serviced)
• letting the people on the floor above you know that you don’t appreciate their son’s drum playing at two a.m.
• finding empregadas [eyn prreh ‘gah dush] (maids) and faxineiras [fah shee ‘nay rrush] (cleaning women)
• keeping your car clean, and
• supplying you with the best tips for the Jogo do Bicho.
Note: Since the salary your porteiro receives doesn’t include the above duties, when pursuing him for any services besides sitting by the entrance to your building, a tip will be required. Simply wad up a few small bills, put them in his hand while patting him on the back and say:
«Aí. Valeu! Tomaí pra cervejinha.»:
«Hey. Thanks! Here’s a little something for a beer.»